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AIBU?

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AIBU to utterly despise someone based on one comment they made?

253 replies

Bleachedjeans · 11/09/2026 09:45

There was a similar thread a couple of years ago but it quickly sank into posters arguing and correcting grammar so it quickly became very boring…
So, here’s mine, triggered by 9/11 memories:
9/11. TV on most of the day updating etc. Naturally, because it was a news programme on all day, it was repetitive. He moaned about the repetition.
When the early evening news came on and obviously it was the first big story my partner at the time said “They’re spoiling it now, keep showing it over and over”
I said (something like) “Spoiling what? The thrill and excitement of seeing thousands people die in horrific circumstances?”
I despised him from that moment.

  1. For not recognising that a TV news channel is repetitive and not everyone is watching it all day.
  2. For using the word ‘spoil’ under such circumstances, as if watching it was some sort of entertainment.
I absolutely despised him from that moment. AIBU to absolutely despise someone based on one comment? I don’t think so!
OP posts:
Bleachedjeans · 11/09/2026 11:39

Horses7 · 11/09/2026 11:31

YANBU
Btw I’m one of those people who can decide very quickly if I like a person or not ….. plus I can (rarely) hold a ‘grudge’ for donkey’s years. Other than that I’m very pleasant and easy going!

I am not holding a grudge about his comment. I’m just remembering it and reflecting on how one comment can affect us.

OP posts:
Rubydobydo · 11/09/2026 11:42

Rox1701D · 11/09/2026 10:17

Yes. I despised a woman who I was doing my army basic training with instantly. I can’t remember the comment. I remember immediately hating her. We were in England doing our training having travelled from Scotland together. It was the Dunblane shooting and she made an utterly despicable comment about the children.

I’ve blocked the comment from my brain but I’ve never forgotten how instantly I hated her.

I despise an old fart at my husband’s sports club. Once I made a couple of pots of tea for people to help themselves from.
He hollered at me to come and pour his tea “as that was what women are for”.
I hope he rots in hell.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 11/09/2026 11:45

Oh yes. Not quite as heartless as this but I quite often find myself blacklisting colleagues in other departments or external partners. Especially if it's a legal thing. Something switches in my brain - you're a prick/you haven't read the material/ you don't understand the legalities of your job - I no longer need to have any regard for anything you say.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/09/2026 11:50

I disliked the old woman (dh’s old aunt) anyway, for appalling meanness with money and general selfishness, but she ramped it right up by phoning at around 4 pm on 9/11 to complain that Countdown wasn’t on.

I said, ‘But haven’t you seen the terrible thing that’s happened in New York?’

‘I don’t care! I want Countdown!’

I for one could not feel remotely sorry when she died.

FriendlyMedusa · 11/09/2026 12:02

I do try to give people a second chance if I know them well, but normally someone who says things like that is exactly who they sound like.

TorroFerney · 11/09/2026 12:03

ThePeppyOpalScroller · 11/09/2026 10:33

So he's 85 now?

Well done Carol!

TroysMammy · 11/09/2026 12:08

Instant ick then I dumped him for saying to me when we were having sex "you're just like a school girl". I was 38, and being 5ft and was around 7stone then so petite but all I could think was ew how would you remember what shagging a school girl was like at the age of 42?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 11/09/2026 12:10

To be fair 9/11 (I was 13 at the time) was my first experience of rolling tv news coverage. I remember being home from school with my younger sister whilst parents were still at work and watching it. Whilst we were absolutely shocked by what had happened, the fact that it was shown non stop on pretty much every channel was also very shocking to us and part of what we we discussed whilst watching it. I think we went through all the channels to see if there were any without it on.

OriginalSkang · 11/09/2026 12:24

I remember telling my boyfriend at the time about what had happened and he said something like 'oh right?...' and that was it. Couldn't work out what the fuss was about

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 11/09/2026 12:27

I never fully go off someone based off one comment. Normally when someone makes one of “those” comments I try and ask them about it and get to the underlying beliefs. Often, it’s just badly phrased or just a rouge comment/opinion, but sometimes when it’s indicative of a wider belief system I disagree with it can definitely put me right off people.

In this case it sounds like maybe it’s just a rouge comment?

Redheadedstepchild · 11/09/2026 12:41

Lots of people say awful things but it tends to give me extra pause when they aren't just being randomly racist, sexist, or generally horrible but when it is to do with their job, especially when they have the power to really do harm and I start to wonder if the system is quietly quite well populated by other people like them too for them to be so blasé about making the remark.

For example, somebody who worked in housing, who I thought was an all round good person, kindness itself and so on and so forth, (I'm going to have to at least paraphrase what she said here, so brace youselves)

"Why do Indian people have a red dot on their forehead?"

(Stabbing gesture with finger towards imaginary Hindu's forehead.)

"NO you cannot have a council house"

In a Peter Selllers, Goodness Gracious Me accent.

Turned out she was up to a bit of fast and loose on the old social benefits, who lived where and with whom and on what basis malarkey herself.

As is often the case with these charmers. They're usually hypocrites.

Another strange aspect of bigot behaviour that I have tried to make sense of over the years is why the most racist men tend to have wives or partners of the very ethnic group they claim to despise. I've seen it so often.

Some women as well. Very odd.

GrottBaggs · 11/09/2026 12:45

Mine was a friend, she had been a friend of a friend then our DC started in reception together and we were friends for 2 years. It was when the Section 28 stuff was in the news and lots of fear mongering. She proudly announced at the school gates that she had started a petition to " Keep those perversions out of School"
She knew my cousin was in hospital with a broken jaw and internal injuries after he and his boyfriend were beaten up - a so called queer bashing.
She asked for my signature, I asked her if she was fucking joking and I walked away and never spoke to her again.

Jiggerypokesy · 11/09/2026 12:55

My sister’s much older boyfriend at the time rang me up to tell me about having once taken the virginity of an even younger woman, implying he took advantage of her being naive.

I think he was trying to shock/upset me too as I was only in my 20s at the time. How revolting. I always thought he was a bit creepy but that clinched it.

HollyhocksandPeons · 11/09/2026 12:59

I had a fellow student at university, I thought she was amazing, she was superior in everything, her degree, her culture, her way of life, her confidence. I really really wanted to be her friend. We were going back from King's Cross to the halls and an old drunk homeless man smiled widely at us, not begging or anything, just said 'Hello, beauties!'. As we walked away, she started explaining how people like that should be 'gassed' because they are a blot on the society. It was like a switch in me. From total admiration to total revulsion. She had never ever said anything remotely inhumane ever before that moment.

rubixsphere · 11/09/2026 13:00

In the nices way it sounds a bit like you had a brittle skin and a bit of main character syndrome.

It's easy to disconnect from events that don't immediate impact you no matter how shocking the level. Work stress, personal losses and other factors can feed in to people not giving a shit what happens to strangers thousands of miles away.

I doubt you were watching news with such vested interest during the Tutsi genocides, Balklan wars and other huge events etc. Perhaps he saw the hypocricy in it.

But to despise someone based on one comment and to hold on to that for so long doesn't sound healthy, and makes me think you'd be really hard work IRL.

Presumably you despise most modern comedians? God help if you'd accidentally tuned into mock the week around that time.

ginasevern · 11/09/2026 13:04

@GoodGirlFaith "Did he understand it was actually happening and was not a film? I think that sounds like someone who spends so much time looking at screens, gaming etc. that their understanding of real and fantasy is completely undefined."

It was 2001. Only around 30% of the population had internet access which was slow dial up and clunky, and few people had home computers anyway. Likewise not everyone had a mobile phone. It wasn't weird for someone not to have one. Mobile phones didn't have screens as such or internet access and were only used to phone people. Texts were a relatively new thing for most people too. There were gaming consoles, although not as sophisticated as they are now. But it was still pretty much a children's or young person's activity. Grown men didn't tend to sit for hours in their room gaming like they do now. So basically there weren't many screens to look at!

Blades2 · 11/09/2026 13:06

powersthatbe · 11/09/2026 10:09

YANBU

My baby nephew passed away unexpectedly and I returned from staying at my Dsis’s having looked after her 3yo while she had been at hospital with baby DN. Altogether a very harrowing time and having held it all together for several days I got home to DP and DFIL and excused myself to my room where i lay down and sobbed my heart out. When I came downstairs later DFIL said “I’m sorry about what happened but you know you are just going to have to get over it’.

Have despised the man ever since.

My ex mother in law said something similar during a miscarriage. You’ll note “ex” is the keyword here.

Ilovemyfam · 11/09/2026 13:11

Bleachedjeans · 11/09/2026 10:06

I should have added: has anyone had similar experiences?

I am interested in all the views posted. TBH I think that there are two types of disagreeable comments. There are vile things that demonstrate someone is just vile. There are however vile comments that to me reflect views of times gone past.

My own father (who has since passed away) used to say some pretty rubbish stuff. I will never forget his comment when I showed him a photo of my boss who I got on very well with “mutton dressed as lamb”. Her wardrobe was admired by many. My sister and I would cringe at his comments - he said it was “just banter”. In his latter years I got bold enough to tell him it was misogyny.

I allowed myself to think that my father (and other family members) said things that reflect times gone by. The racism was awful - but again part of so called banter. I think that unkind comments about moving on from grief referred to in another post reflect a different period of time. This was shown in the recent documentary about Stolen Babies. We now know that trauma does not just go away.

I have actually found it helpful to write this.

I hope everyone else can come to terms with the s**t others can say.

LondonLass2026 · 11/09/2026 13:18

NeckMuscle · 11/09/2026 10:14

I was chatting to a Taxi driver. He then made a racist comment about a black person on the road in front. I ended the Taxi journey early and took the tube for the last couple of stops.

Same.

I was in a cab with my partner in the north east about 7 years ago (we've since moved here, as he's from here). The taxi driver said something which included the horrific P word to describe people of Pakistani origin.

I am mixed with some of that in me. Not sure if the driver noticed. I am very light skinned. I actually didn't take cabs for a long time up here for that reason, but I was delighted to see that when I was forced to take cabs last month, one driver was Eastern European, and the second African - brilliant!

But yes I feel such anger if that cab driver ever crosses my mind.

emuloc · 11/09/2026 13:21

NeckMuscle · 11/09/2026 10:14

I was chatting to a Taxi driver. He then made a racist comment about a black person on the road in front. I ended the Taxi journey early and took the tube for the last couple of stops.

Hopefully you told him why you were exiting early, if it was safe to do so. People like that need to have it pointed out to them, that not everybody agrees with their vile views.

FlorenceLawrence · 11/09/2026 13:23

Nothing like as bad as some in tis thread, but caused an instant dislike of this person.
Me & then Dh out for a work night out with a group of his colleagues. One of them was a quite attractive single mum. Her job was scheduling the work contracts - some of which were local, some far away, even abroad.
I overheard her boasting about how she loved to put the married men on the far away contracts, and that it was even better if they had young DC, so it would upset the wives to have their DH working away.
I was pregnant with DC1 at the time, and I couldn't believe she could so behave so nastily to other women. She had, in fact, just scheduled my then DH to work right across the country! Instant dislike of her, which was so strong, I persuaded DH it was time to get another job (without telling him why).
Which he did - and then she started this weird campaign to get him stay (!) Perhaps she had designs on him!! But he didn't stay thank god - the new job was a hefty pay rise
To this day I wonder about a woman boasting about being so vindictive.

Steeleydan · 11/09/2026 13:24

powersthatbe · 11/09/2026 10:09

YANBU

My baby nephew passed away unexpectedly and I returned from staying at my Dsis’s having looked after her 3yo while she had been at hospital with baby DN. Altogether a very harrowing time and having held it all together for several days I got home to DP and DFIL and excused myself to my room where i lay down and sobbed my heart out. When I came downstairs later DFIL said “I’m sorry about what happened but you know you are just going to have to get over it’.

Have despised the man ever since.

So would i the obnoxious insensitive prick. I'd of ripped his head off in you situation x

YourRoseFinch · 11/09/2026 13:28

Yes I started really hating a male colleague after he made comments at a work meeting about how inconvenient a crucial health clinic we ran for homeless people had been for him. The clinic helped 120 people but apparently everyone at the clinic was talking too loud outside his office and it ruined his week. Poor guy! I just thought: this guy is a complete fuckwit and hated him from that moment on.

JustSaying10 · 11/09/2026 13:29

Yes, Michael O'Leary, Ryan Air.

cabus · 11/09/2026 13:30

Yes OP, it was about 25 years ago as well. Very friendly shop assistant in a local supermarket next to where I worked who I chatted to regularly.

One day she offhandedly passed a nasty, racist remark about someone, totally assuming I would feel the same way. I never spoke to her again.