AIBU at feeling angry at husband doing his own breakfast and not for me and our 14 month old daughter?

[Biosblbay]

So I can’t help but feel really angry about the above. So I work from home full time 8-4:30pm most days, husband usually leaves at 8am and takes our son to pre school and goes to work and doesn’t get home until after the kids are already in bed, so I generally do everything while working at the same time and I use my lunch break to pick my son up from school, this includes the kids breakfasts in the morning and my sons lunch for school as my husband gets himself ready for work in the morning. His only responsibility is feeding the dogs and taking our son, the rest is mine.

He is working from home today so it is both of us home, our 14 month old has had her morning bottle already, but we have not had breakfast yet and my husband has just made himself jam on toast while on a teams call and not thought to do any for our daughter, or myself but I can deal with him not doing me any, but my blood is boiling that he has just fed himself and not thought to do any for my daughter.

I have kept quiet for now, he is still on his meeting but how would you react/ feel about this?

I already do so much and the fact he has just fed himself has made me want to blow but not sure if I am being unreasonable. and to top it off he is eating a bag of crisps now and my little one has heard and is now winging because she wants some and now I’m left to rush to do her breakfast while I am also working.

If OP was in my team this would NOT be allowed - I'm not paying you to look after your child

The OP is the one who clearly agreed to this stupid, and potentially dangerous, situation.
She shouldn't ever have started this.

Yes of course it's his responsibility but I'd say he isn't aware how bad the situation is.

Why wouldn’t he be aware of how bad the situation is? The OP hasn’t mentioned that he’s stupid. The situation benefits him far more than it does her.
They both work 5 days a week. The OP has arranged childcare (her mum) for 2 of those days. The husband hasn’t arranged childcare for any of the days, he just passes the responsibility on to his wife. I can’t see for the life of me how she’s more to blame that he is.

My work and most peoples work I know would go ape shit if people routinely did this (outside kids occasionally being home for unexpected sickness). Maybe his work wouldn't be as forgiving as yours? Although in general yes if you're both wfh then childcare should be split, it's hard to feel sympathy as your approach is the reason that companies are pulling back on wfh and has spoiled it for those that wfh whilst using paid childcare for our children

He doesn't ordinarily work from home. The OP seems to think she's juggling it fine from her comments here so I'd have to assume in her deluded state that he actually thinks she is juggling it fine.

I imagine he tells himself it’s fine because it means he doesn’t have to pay for childcare and he gets to do his job unencumbered.

Like most people have said, you need to sort some childcare OP.

During COVID, me & DH had to move to WFH with a then 9 & 14 year old who were obviously more self sufficient than a toddler but trying to support them whilst working & attempting to home school (badly) was enough to nearly send me over the edge.

In the years before COVID, we had to pay out for nursery/wrap around care which left us totally skint but a necessary evil unfortunately.

Hope you find a solution 💐

And I imagine the OP says it's fine because she doesn't have to properly care for her kids, work properly or pay childcare.

Either way, it's the children who are at most risk here. No point on you, me or anyone else getting hung up on semantics.

The OP & her husband need to cop on and make sure the children are adequately cared for whether that's childcare outsourced, work different shifts or one of them stay at home.

Why can’t you afford childcare? Do you not qualify for the 30 free hours?! Baffles me that people have children then say they can’t afford childcare, which is something that should be factored into the decision to have a child, surely?!

Aw we all get annoyed with our partner for things like this, I think generally men do just look after themselves as women are often the ones to do all the organising and getting kids ready to leave as well. Maybe you’re feeling generally overwhelmed so I’d have a chat tonight and say how are you feeling at the minute? Listen to him then say how you’re feeling that you feel overwhelmed in the mornings with sorting all the kids stuff out for the day as well as the evenings and ask him if he thinks there’s anything he can do because you can’t go on like this it’s making you feel stressed and upset. People are often more willing to help if they think it’s their idea. Is there any way he can leave work a bit earlier why is he out all evening? I’d set out some set jobs maybe he could make breakfast since that’s something you would find helpful or maybe he could make sure all things are laid out for the next morning. Don’t have this discussion mid argument though have a sit down meeting where you show empathy to him and if you feel he’s not listening to you or showing empathy to you ask him if he can tell you why youve been stressed, ask him to tell it back to you as it’s a good test to see if he’s been listening but it also makes you feel heard. But you’re in the trenches right now there is light at the end of the tunnel

Yes absolutely. Shared cost, shared responsibility . Shared parenting

Gosh so many saints on here who have their lives planned out so perfectly that they've never had to worry about juggling the costs of childcare and work. How wonderful for you all! It must be fantastic to live such privileged lives!

Sorry you are struggling OP. I remember working from home in Covid times when my two were small and it was hard work!

I think the two of you need to have an honest chat about how he can do more to help. You'll be frazzled and resentment will be building so it's best to address that sooner rather than later.

You are both being unreasonable. No one should be doing child care whilst WFH.

It's not privileged... its called planning and parenting. We shouldn't be encouraging people to half-add parenting. Childcare should be a priority.

@CoffeeAndACroissant , most of us will have had to think hard about juggling the costs of childcare and working.
Most of us aren't trying to work and provide childcare at the same time.

Some of us had to during Covid, and found that the work suffered and the children suffered.

I remember working with people who basically did no work during that time. I was depending on them for input and basically my work suffered. Even conscientious colleagues were not working at full capacity.
We put up with it during Covid because we had no choice.

'You' can be plural.
I read it that anyone saying you need to sort childcare means the pair of them.

It’s not remotely weird to address the person you’re talking to 🙄

It’s not privileged to know you have to plan for childcare expenses 🙄 if OP and her DH can’t afford childcare maybe they shouldn’t have had a second child?

I think you are overreacting to be this worked up over breakfast. Is there more to this?

I anticipate you cook is evening meal. Eat early tonight and when he asks what's for dinner tell him you thought he wanted a household where we just feed ourselves abd bugger everyone else ... after his breakfast selfishness

how would you react/ feel about this?
I wouldn't react at all. I would just cook all meals going forward for just myself and my child, do only my own and my child's laundry, etc. And if he asks why I'm not doing his stuff, I'll gladly explain the reason. If he shows that he's sorry and it was a genuine oversight, no problem. But if he makes me out to be petty, I'll just become even more petty.

Over a piece of toast?

No wonder so many people on here are stuck in miserable marriages!

In a country where childcare costs for one child can end up being more than the take home salary of one parent, it absolutely is privileged.

Or are we saying that only the middle classes and above can have children now?

What about people who have all the best plans but then life happens and those plans go awry? Should we take children away from someone who got made redundant and had to accept a lower paying job?

It's a shame to see such little compassion and understanding for a Mum who is trying to juggle work and childcare on a parenting site.