AIBU at feeling angry at husband doing his own breakfast and not for me and our 14 month old daughter?

[Biosblbay]

So I can’t help but feel really angry about the above. So I work from home full time 8-4:30pm most days, husband usually leaves at 8am and takes our son to pre school and goes to work and doesn’t get home until after the kids are already in bed, so I generally do everything while working at the same time and I use my lunch break to pick my son up from school, this includes the kids breakfasts in the morning and my sons lunch for school as my husband gets himself ready for work in the morning. His only responsibility is feeding the dogs and taking our son, the rest is mine.

He is working from home today so it is both of us home, our 14 month old has had her morning bottle already, but we have not had breakfast yet and my husband has just made himself jam on toast while on a teams call and not thought to do any for our daughter, or myself but I can deal with him not doing me any, but my blood is boiling that he has just fed himself and not thought to do any for my daughter.

I have kept quiet for now, he is still on his meeting but how would you react/ feel about this?

I already do so much and the fact he has just fed himself has made me want to blow but not sure if I am being unreasonable. and to top it off he is eating a bag of crisps now and my little one has heard and is now winging because she wants some and now I’m left to rush to do her breakfast while I am also working.

Seriously? He was on a work call!!!!! With another adult in the house, not on a work call?

@Biosblbay you keep saying it's fine because you're mum is there Mondays and Tuesdays, but that leaves 3 days a week your toddler is at home and you're trying to work plus nipping out to collect your son, I assume you've then got both of them at home whilst you finish working? It is not sustainable.

It’s not possible to work from home but also do the work of raising a toddler. No wonder you’re stressed and angry. it’s a recipe for disaster, burnout, stress and unhappy children.
you need to get your child in nursery/ a childminder /nanny if you want to work. So you both get up early, get everyone fed and dressed, get children to school and childcare and then get to work yourselves.

You are certainly not WFH 8-4.30. You are childminding when you should be doing what you are paid to do which is work. Your child needs to be in nursery when your Mum can't have her. No wonder WFH has such a bad reputation when people like you are simply taking the piss.

Who sees to the dogs??

But you haven't answered the question - does your work know you're working while caring for your child?

I agree that childcare is a nightmare and working parents (particularly mothers) have it hard. But that doesn't make it OK.

He was working. Also, you can just talk to him later and ask.

Hi Op, I’m sure he doesn’t know how you are feeling. Please do speak to him about it but not when you are upset/angry. Review your current set up with him and if you are finding it difficult be honest about it. The important thing is how you express your dissatisfaction- try not to turn into criticism of your partner. For example, rather than saying “why do I always have to ask you to do things?” you could say “I would really appreciate it if you initiated things sometimes without me having to ask”. Of course, I don’t know your dynamics and this approach would not work with abusive partners or those who are narcissists. Definitely would recommend reading “hold me tight” by Dr Sue Johnson.

Did he know she hadn't had breakfast or did he think that you had given it to her as usual with your ds. If he did know he's a dick, if he didn't know you were going to deviate from your usual routine because he's wfh, you should have given him a heads up. Despite all this, wafting toast smells in the house with a toddler is a serious lack of awareness, of course he should have made her a little or shared some of his.
I personally wouldn't eat jammy toast and crisps on a teams call, but that's a whole other thread.

Just talk to him. Tell him that next time, could he offer breakfast because it would’ve really helped you out this morning. And if he doesn’t, then you’ve got issues.

Omg, he was in a team meeting for work and he popped a measly peice of bread in the toaster then spread with jam . And you want to rip him apart . It’s not like it’s a lazy Sunday morning where is making bacon ,eggs ,beans ,mushrooms, black pudding ,sitting down to it and leaving you all out.
Anyway, just tell him . Then he won’t do it again .

@Biosblbay

you shouldn't be though. When you’re at work you should be working.

Absolutely no reason he couldn't have made her the same.

What on earth is this mythical FT job which allows you to care for your 2 children without interfering with your work with the full blessing of your employer? You seem to be avoiding answering the question "Does you employer know about your lack of childcare?"

Why is it always women who are working from home and doing childcare? Most men wouldn’t accept it and there’s no reason why women should as well. You need to find a way- whether it’s working less hours or something else.

You can’t do a job properly when looking after a toddler, and you can’t care for a toddler properly when working.

Do work know you are not fully concentrating on your job?

Think your problem here is you should be working not looking after your child whilst working. You need to get childcare. Are they just left to their own devices plopped in front of a TV when your working? Can't imagine your workplace would be happy with you if they found this out.

Im not surprised, this is the sort of stuff men (my husband) does constantly. Men dont see the domestic load as theirs, which sounds even more unfair when you both work full time. Id imagine it would be better when your daughtet starts nursery, less strain. Id also chat to him & explain how selfish that is that he wouldn't think to feed his kids before himself given they can't feed themselves yet.

This is the reason so many is pissed off about some people ”working” from home.

Also if you have time to post on here whilst working? While also looking after children? Is your job actually real or have you made it up as this sounds fictional.

I think it would have been different if he’d made a full breakfast but a slice of toast is just he was there and did it quickly. I think it’s probably that in your head it was ‘phew he’s home today I’ve done help’ while men horrendously don’t think like this. (Dh wfh I’m in work but got up early to get clothes out, dog walked, was on, floor swept, dishwasher emptied before dropping kids to school because I knew I’d come home to a mess tonight)

It's your choice to juggle so much when you are working, his choice not to. You've got expectations of him you perhaps haven't actually expressed to him?
Putting aside the fact that the vast majority of workplaces expect people not to be looking after kids whilst also working, you are clearly doing the best you can on this front. His behaviour with the toast is what I would do if I wasn't expecting to also be taking care of a child while working. This is why I think you may have the same expectations of him that you have for yourself, so does he know that? And it's no good expecting him to just think of it himself, a lot of people just live in their own heads most of the time, thinking about only what's immediately in front of them, in this case probably just work stuff. It doesn't mean he doesn't care it just means he isn't used to juggling like you are. I think you need an honest conversation about the balance of childcare. It feels like resentment is building and that will only get worse.
Why is the majority of care falling to you? Not including hours out of the home if he's got to go to the office obviously, but when he's home you should be working together to care for your children, equally.

I suspect this too. Like so many other threads lately. OP won’t be back.

I suppose this isn't really about whether she's double jobbing.

If she was a SAHM, and was asking whether she was being unreasonable expecting a bit of a dig out when DH was WFH, I'm thinking she'd get a different reaction.

However, even if she was asking that, I would expect the response would be "yes, in the time he'd usually be commuting, or at lunchtime, I'd expect him to be putting a quick wash on, or cleaning down counters, or making lunch for the baby". But even then I wouldn't be expecting people to say that he should be giving a dig out with the childcare in between meetings (or even more unreasonable, during a meeting). That's just not feasible for the vast majority of people.

OP, you are where you are with your childcare. Like everyone, I think you need to pay for someone to drive out to your house and mind the kids at least on Wednesday and Thursday afternoons, so that you can concentrate on work.

And separately to the jammy toast incident, I think you need to stop doing housework during the day. You can't avoid looking after your 14 month old, but save all the laundry, making lunches, washing up, everything, for when your DH is at home. Then split it fairly in the evenings and weekends. After a while you'll find you do some chores, he does others, and you can start doing your chores again during the day when you can fit them in. But he'll be used to doing his chores when he comes home and that'll ease the burden on you during the day. Whatever you do, don't pick up the slack.