AIBU at feeling angry at husband doing his own breakfast and not for me and our 14 month old daughter?

[Biosblbay]

So I can’t help but feel really angry about the above. So I work from home full time 8-4:30pm most days, husband usually leaves at 8am and takes our son to pre school and goes to work and doesn’t get home until after the kids are already in bed, so I generally do everything while working at the same time and I use my lunch break to pick my son up from school, this includes the kids breakfasts in the morning and my sons lunch for school as my husband gets himself ready for work in the morning. His only responsibility is feeding the dogs and taking our son, the rest is mine.

He is working from home today so it is both of us home, our 14 month old has had her morning bottle already, but we have not had breakfast yet and my husband has just made himself jam on toast while on a teams call and not thought to do any for our daughter, or myself but I can deal with him not doing me any, but my blood is boiling that he has just fed himself and not thought to do any for my daughter.

I have kept quiet for now, he is still on his meeting but how would you react/ feel about this?

I already do so much and the fact he has just fed himself has made me want to blow but not sure if I am being unreasonable. and to top it off he is eating a bag of crisps now and my little one has heard and is now winging because she wants some and now I’m left to rush to do her breakfast while I am also working.

The issue here is that you should both be do7ng some of those jobs before work. Of course they’ll remain undone while you are both at work - the fact your DH’s work is at home is irrelevant.

As an aside I’m stunned by the use of the phrase ‘jammy toast’ by several posters. I have never heard toast and jam described like this and it sounds weird. As you were.

I make work calls and still do things in the background

No one should be expected to do this. Neither you or him, the fact you’re doing it doesn’t make it ok and doesn’t mean he should do it. If you’re working you’re working.

I work from home full time 8-4:30pm most days What job do you do that lets you be a nanny to your own children during that time?

So you are not working from home Weds - Fri 8am - 4.30pm

You are looking after your toddler during your work time - breakfast, lunch, drinks. snacks, nap/s, playing, nappy changes etc.

Does your work know they are paying you to look after your youngest child ?

I’m confused OP - why are you both working while your children are at home

Exactly. You need childcare. It's bad of you both to be working and looking after children at the same time.

Do your respective employers know?

He is working. That is why he has made himself something quick to eat and not for the rest of you.

As others have said, the issue here is your work set up with a lack of consistent childcare.

A possibly selfish slice of toast, but seemingly not (he was in the middle of work!?) is the least of your troubles OP.

To that individual thing you have overreacted he was not being unreasonable but your whole set up - work & childcare is madness. You're a stay at home mum, full time cook/cleaner and work full time - you can't be all those things and keep a level head and on top of everything, I mean you can try, as you are, but you're going to burn out and overreact and be a general stress head.

He’s allowed to make himself some toast between meetings.

Your daughter needs to be with your mum or in childcare, not being supervised by you.

Who is looking after your son in the afternoons? Please dont tell me you are "working" from home and looking after 2 children.

So he usually makes his own breakfast and you usually make the kids breakfast? That is your normal?

If that’s the case then I’m not sure I see much wrong in him making his own breakfast whilst also working. Fair enough if he is day off I would perhaps think he should make you all something but he isn’t. It’s just a work day for him like any other and he is actually working. It’s weird that you don’t have proper childcare.

Can’t you get your free childcare hours?

He’s working! Would you expect him to come home from the office to make her some toast?

Domestic labour (child care, cleaning and laundry) are all proper jobs that you can pay people to do. If you’re already working, domestic labour needs to be shared between you and DH in non working time. Like any shared ongoing job, it needs proper planning to split the chores.

It’s easy to blame men for not getting it or helping with the mental load, but women who just absorb all the jobs without insisting a fair split, are also to blame for perpetuating the stereotype that mums do it all!

If mums stopped doing it all, men would have to change!

Help 2 days a week isn’t enough if you work 5 days a week.
The whole set up sounds incredibly stressful and unsustainable. What stimulation is your baby getting during the day?

You both seem a bit disorganised, as if mealtimes are quite incidental and it’s lucky anybody gets breakfast at all.

With a family of young children I think you both need to be up at 6am at the latest in order to get ready for the day if work starts at 8am. There are lunch boxes to prepare and showers to be taken, dogs to be walked for an hour, breakfast to be prepared, children to get ready and to be soothed and nurtured for their day ahead. It all takes time and effort. And thought.

And it definitely shouldn’t be every man for himself as demonstrated by your thoughtless DH with his jam on toast.

It should be strong communication and routine and forward planning so that everybody knows who does what in order to be set up right for the day. Otherwise the whole day feels off and you are constantly trying to catch up instead of being in control. It’s a struggle to get through as it is, so communication is key.

Have a serious conversation with your DH about who is responsible for what in a morning before work and again in the afternoon after work finishes. Make sure it’s sensible and fair. And stick to the routine where possible.

Decent communication and agreement between both parents is imperative if both parents are working full time and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day.
You both need to be on the same page, especially during the DC’s early years stage when it can become frantic at times.

But surely the point is that the OP is also working, but she still has to feed the baby while working?

Blimey
Poor little one
She needs to be someone's priority
This is not good for her
She needs toddler groups, painting,messy play ,water play ,being took to the park and having stories read to her
10 more months of this madness..wow

Agree with this. 'Cannot afford' childcare likely means you prefer to do other things with your salary. Are you running one or more cars, taking holidays, any hobbies, regular haircuts and treatments, house renovations, new furniture, eating out etc ? All these should come behind childcare in the priority list. If you have an annexe, do you have a sizeable property, or live in an expensive area and could downsize?

If you are truly on too low n income to reasonably afford childcare, you should be claiming UC. Then a large portion of your childcare would be paid.

No, the point is that neither of them should be doing things for the baby while working. The baby should be in some sort of childcare (whether it’s OP’s mum or a childminder/nursery set up).

The baby should be in childcare, then nobody would have to feed her.

Neither of them should be doing it while working, so the solution is that they need to find childcare.

My job allows me to not be on the ball 24/7

No but your children do! Children need constant care and attention in order to develop. You’ll end up sending your kids to school not being potty trained and with speech delays if you don’t look after them properly.

Well the child should have proper care, but setting that aside, this is OP normal day, the choice they have made. Her DH is doing his normal day, the choice they made.

Exactly. The whole set up is absolutely ridiculous.