AIBU at feeling angry at husband doing his own breakfast and not for me and our 14 month old daughter?

[Biosblbay]

So I can’t help but feel really angry about the above. So I work from home full time 8-4:30pm most days, husband usually leaves at 8am and takes our son to pre school and goes to work and doesn’t get home until after the kids are already in bed, so I generally do everything while working at the same time and I use my lunch break to pick my son up from school, this includes the kids breakfasts in the morning and my sons lunch for school as my husband gets himself ready for work in the morning. His only responsibility is feeding the dogs and taking our son, the rest is mine.

He is working from home today so it is both of us home, our 14 month old has had her morning bottle already, but we have not had breakfast yet and my husband has just made himself jam on toast while on a teams call and not thought to do any for our daughter, or myself but I can deal with him not doing me any, but my blood is boiling that he has just fed himself and not thought to do any for my daughter.

I have kept quiet for now, he is still on his meeting but how would you react/ feel about this?

I already do so much and the fact he has just fed himself has made me want to blow but not sure if I am being unreasonable. and to top it off he is eating a bag of crisps now and my little one has heard and is now winging because she wants some and now I’m left to rush to do her breakfast while I am also working.

How would I react? Calmly.
You need to have a conversation about expectations. If you haven't had this conversation before and you are typically the one picking up these jobs because your husband is in the office, he is just doing what he normally does. And if you are not happy with that, then you need to have a discussion.
If you are making a call and still doing things in the background, then you are not really at work. However, if your mum comes to cover while you are on a work call, then there is another adult doing what you expected your husband to do while he is on call. So which is it, OP? Because if it is the latter, he is doing exactly what you are doing - assuming there is another adult to cover him while he is on a work call.

It’s both of them so that’s not a bigger reason right now. She needs to have a conversation that he’s lucky she juggled work and childcare but he needs to juggle it too when he works from home and respect the juggle you do.

I’ll get flamed for this but honestly it’s been my experience that men look after themselves first, and then think about others, and women take care of others first, and sometimes themselves if they think to.

What looks like a devastating character flaw is just a different operating system - and yes, it’s blood boiling enraging.

But take a look at your own operating system first

I generally do everything while working at the same time
I use my lunch break to pick my son up from school,
His only responsibility is feeding the dogs and taking our son, the rest is mine.
I can deal with him not doing me any [breakfast]

Stop doing so much and start delegating. He’s capable of doing more, but he needs direction. You don’t need to have a row about it, just a conversation.

Women with great helpful dh’s have higher expectations and better boundaries, and don’t just pick up the slack. Same with women who are successful in upper management - they delegate and then they do the follow through to ensure that the work gets done, but they don’t pick up the slack, or wonder why their subordinates didn’t offer to help.

It’s more effective to tackle this calmly than blow up.

Who walks the dogs or do they not get out either?

He was making toast while on a work call. That's quite different from having a leisurely breakfast and not getting anything for your child.

Why aren't you both feeding the children before your work day starts?

It’s not the jammy toast. It’s the fact he didn’t think to offer it to all. It’s like making a cup of tea and not seeing if anyone else wants one. It wouldn’t make me mad it would make me sad. If I was making tea/toast/ a sandwich etc I would always offer to my family and my dh would do the same. You aren’t in his orbit and that’s sad.

Cut a deal with DH.
Every morning he gets the boys ready, dressed, fed and lunches for himself and son. He delivers to school.

You are the girl team and cope with the breakfasts and lunches for you both.
You dress, breakfast and cut a full lunch box for DD before work.

Make it a competitive race, with stars on a chart, if you wish.

I agree that common politeness prompts me to consider if another person wants a cup of tea when I am making one.
I would not be sad if my baby missed out on crisps however.

Be angry at dh for supporting notion that you cannot “afford” childcare, yet you are expected to still work at home.

This is utter nonsense and I don’t see how it services you, your employer or your dc any good.

most of us struggled when kids were very small. In my case maternity leave was only 6 months at the time. We used child minder for first two years, then switched to nursery. I had to drive 30 mins to drop child off

childcare fees were about same as my salary. We would have been very little worse off by me giving up work. However, by working I did pay into my pension, I did get paid leave, and I did continue my career which paid back longer term.

you have to find, between you both, the money to prioritise childcare for your additional working hours. If it’s your dh that is thinking that’s optional, get a job that doesn’t allow wfh and see how he intends to cope with that. Yes, fiancnailly you will be very much worse off, and will need to make cutbacks on other stuff…but in longer term it will be way better for your career and you child fgs.

what you are feeling in terms of anger is the resentment of trying to “have it all”…cheap/no childcare yet a job yet being a stay at home mum. In meantime you are laying down foundations for a lazy husband who sees his wife’s work as optional, or magically done by elves and fairies, while he gets to swan around like the lord of the manor. You cannot continue to do what you’ve done. Change your set up. Tell him it’s not working, you’re not working, your child isn’t getting the best early years experience they could, and you both start paying for childcare..

childminders, or even, as they’re a little older and you are at home, an au pair - hard to get hold of nowadays. They’re certainly not a cheap nanny as they don’t and shouldn’t have sole lone responsibility for a child under 5, but a relative cheaper option and flexible, if you are in the house or very nearby or your mum is. They can do all basics like lunch, breakfast, school pick up, entertainment etc. We had au pairs once kids started school as they could do school walk and supervision until we got home. Kids were 7 and 5 though but that stage so could be looked after by aupair without our supervision. hours are limited for aupairs, but if they still go to your mum for two days that’d work out ok.

even if au pairs not an option, then childminder, or you change jobs to commute somewhere that does have nursery nearby that takes younger kids. It’s unusual these days, or even when mine were 6 months, which is 30 years ago, to not have baby or toddler rooms. If your dh can drop kid at school, he can drop a kid at nursery further away …or you can

youre literally making the rod for your own back. Rethink. It may have been a good idea, but it isn’t working for anyone but your dh .

This, in a nutshell.

I agree he was selfish to only make his own toast. I also agree with other posters that it’s a massive problem you are attempting to WFH with a baby to look after. I only attempted that a few times in extremis in lockdown and it was hell. As a manager I’ve never allowed it for others nor tried it myself again.

If he wasn’t on a work call then I’d say YANBU but as you weren’t working and he was - then YABU

It sounds like you work less hours and your job is flexible, whereas his isn’t.

I would be focusing on how he acts on weekends etc

The pandemic is over. Get some childcare

So you have a regular morning routine in which he makes his own breakfast and feeds the dogs and takes your son to school then goes to work . You do breakfast for you and the 2 children. And get them ready for their day. Then you work from home.
On the morning in question, he, by exception ? works from home, and keeps to the morning routine when he could have done more. I'm struggle to see where you asked him to take over breakfasts for everyone that day. I have found men are not mind readers. They tend to be creatures of habit and do not see the bigger picture unless it is pointed out to them.

Are there other underlying problems you need to discuss with him as this one off issue alone doesn't seem enough to explode with?. Of course t might be the 'final straw' , but best to focus on what changes you want to see overall ok n the division of responsibilities.

There's a huge difference in the amount of faff required in quickly getting yourself something while on a call, and getting it for other people. Simply trying to tell them there's food while simultaneously discussing work in a separate conversation makes it difficult. So I think you're being unreasonable to be so angry.

The child should be in childcare if none of you are looking after her. My first thought was how would he know she hasn't had breakfast if he's been working but I then realised you're both working. There's no way a 15 month old is getting the attention, care and stimulation they need if all the adults in the home are working.

This is a symptom of a larger problem, not the actual issue. You have too much on your plate and want him to help more without it being said because you want him notice and to want to help. I can completely understand that.
He didn't think about it because in his mind, you usually do it and him being there or not didn't matter. He was about to go on a call.
I think a proper conversation about how you're feeling and how he should be helping more Might be a good idea

It takes a special kind of dickhead to make himself toast and leave his child hungry. Come on now!

Stop doing so much and start delegating. He’s capable of doing more, but he needs direction. You don’t need to have a row about it, just a conversation.
Women with great helpful dh’s have higher expectations and better boundaries, and don’t just pick up the slack. Same with women who are successful in upper management - they delegate and then they do the follow through to ensure that the work gets done, but they don’t pick up the slack, or wonder why their subordinates didn’t offer to help.

Disagree that women should have to delegate or check to see whether the work gets done. This is mental load that should be shared. The woman is not the manager of her husband and he should not need managing.
I don’t have an answer about how to make this happen though!

This particular situation of him being on a work teams while making toast I would not get angry about. The usual routine is he feeds himself and you feed everyone else so that is the lane you have both made for each other.

The whole situation is chaos and feels very self inflicted.
Stop doing everything while working(presuming this means housework) save it for the evenings or weekend when you’re both home and he can do his fair share.

Get a child minder for the 14mo- you’re sacrificing your career whether you know it or not. Find a way to afford it.

Split the food prep and housework with DH more fairly. It’s nonsensical that he isn’t doing breakfast and pack lunch for the child he takes to school. He should also be doing family dinners a few nights a week.

There are more issues here than jammy toast.

A) Get yourself some childcare. Irrespective of whether your job is allowing you to be half-assed... you shouldn't be half-assing parenting your daughter. She needs proper attention.

B) Why had your daughter got to the stage of shouting for food? Surely you are making sure she's fed sufficiently before you start work? Where even was she... with you? With him?

C) You and your husband need a system. Once kids are in bed you both need to get to work to make life easier. Lunches / meals prepped night before. Clothes laid out for the kids for next day. Do extra work if you can if it means you can be more flexible for the kids.

D) When does the dog get walked?

Does your son not have breakfast before he goes to nursery? Couldn’t they both have breakfast then before either of you start work and avoid this kind of ‘I’m working too’ resentment? Although I do agree both WFH with a 14mo is a much bigger issue generally and can’t make for a very good day for anyone!

This^

The work isn’t split fairly and you need him to do his fair share.

This entirely.

Aside your husband’s toast and crisps OP, I don’t know how you even begin to focus on work or parenting, with your current set up. Seems you and husband need to hatch plan b (?) It may even be time to rethink your job, if putting DD in child care is currently problematic?

I think you are very lucky that you have a flexible job that allows you to look after your 14 month old while still being paid for working. The fact that your job allows you to work around your childcare commitments is very very rare. Your husband's job is probably like every other job - working from home being only allowed if you are not taking care of children. It's actually in my contract that they can withdraw WFH privileges if it turns out you are minding children at the same time. Getting on to teams call late because "oh I had to feed my 14 month old" probably wouldn't wash at all in your husbands job.

Him WFH doesn't mean he now takes 50/50 responsibility for childcare.

Having said all the above, he needs to pull his weight outside of his working hours more. Laundry when he gets home, getting up earlier to make lunches etc, so that you don't have to do so much during the day while you are working.