AIBU to expect my atheist teenager to respect my faith?

[Cantstopeatingjaffacakes]

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed with DD16?

Religion is a big part of my life and I attend church weekly, lead children’s church once a month, go to a weekly prayer meeting and am on the PCC (church leadership). I also work for a Christian charity.

DD used to come to church with me and when she was 10 she asked to stop going as she found it boring which I was fine with as I’ve never believed in forcing it.

Since then we’ve never really spoken about faith other than I have one and it’s important to me. I’ve also said numerous times that it’s ok if she doesn’t believe and it’s something that has to come from within rather than be imposed on you by family.

Recently she’s become quite vocal about being an atheist which is fine - it’s something she’s thought about and has come to her own conclusion.

The issue is that if I chat about something I’ve done at church or that I’m going to my prayer meeting she’ll roll her eyes and say that all religions are stupid which I find quite disrespectful. I don’t agree with her beliefs but I would never call them stupid and I’m not sure how to address it with her without it turning into a big debate about religion.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to respect that I have my beliefs in the same way that she has hers? Should I stop mentioning my church activities even though it’s a big part of my life?

Sorry it’s a bit longwinded but I didn’t want to drip feed.

@RedTagAlan You know what's coming next - Old Testament excuses. Of course that part of the Bible isn't true/what we believe etc. That was the old God, before Jesus. Whilst ignoring that Jesus himself was said to quote Deutronomy often. "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" - Seek Ye First, hymn sung in Christian churches all over the world.

Hypocrites in every religion, no wonder your 16 year old is atheist @Cantstopeatingjaffacakes.

I would reply every time “ well wouldn’t life be boring if we all thought the same”

DD16

This is the long and short of it. She's a 16 year old that thinks they know better than their parents, like many 16 year olds do. You just have to ride it out unfortunately - trying to have a conversation in which you calmly explain that you find her behaviour disrespectful will be like a red rag to a bull. Just eye-roll right back when she starts up, she'll get bored of being all militant eventually.

What is research going to achieve? @Cantstopeatingjaffacakes daughter has stated she thinks all religion is stupid, suggests she has already done some research. She's not going to suddenly discover the God her mother believes in exists is she?

I think you have picked a very poor metaphor here.

We may not go up to strangers to tell them they have poor taste in music, but we have a rich tradition of teenagers letting their parents know their Michael Bublé or Susan Boyle LPs are shit.

This is so sensible

I am a Christian too and would find the intolerance hurtful.

She is at an age where she is developing her own sense of self separate to you, it can make them feel critical and even repulsed by some elements of our personality- whether that is dress sense or taste in music. She also feels safe with you to state it, no filter or people pleasing going on at home like she might be with friends. However, she needs to be reminded that you are also a person with feelings and don’t deserve to be constantly negged about something important to you. A conversation about tolerance and kindness sounds in order. Do you have a DH? Sometimes I chat to my teens when they have a bit of friction with their other parent, try to broker some middle ground and try to help them see both perspectives. Sometimes it’s hard to have objective/curious conversations when you feel defensive or under attack.

do you think she might feel resentful in some way about the amount of time and energy you are volunteering at church? It can sometimes be a balance, sometimes you are needed at home more than being on the coffee rota iyswim

I'm guessing she doesn't go to a multifaith school

She should be respectful of your faith and the part it plays in your life. But she's also a teenager. I'd assume this is part of typical teenage rudeness / rebellion against what she's grown up with. The only thing really that you can do is lay down the law and tell her that there are plenty of things she does that you don't believe in, that you're not rude about. Explain it's about mutual respect.

But I'd assume her rudeness is going to continue for a bit. Unfortunately, it is quite normal for her age.

Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies when I woke up!

There have been some really useful well thought out replies so thank you for that.

Just to address the point around me giving her bible verses to help with her RS - that was at her request because she wanted to understand certain points. I wasn’t giving them to her a part of a bible study to convince her to convert. I thought I was helping but I guess not.

Religion is a big part of my life but I do have other activities that I guess I can talk to her about more.

Well yes. I agree. But given that this thread is not about if it is true or not, maybe not.

But I do have a NT verse for the OP that applies here. There is always a verse (almost always).

Mat 5:11-12 Blessed are you whenever they may reproach you, and may persecute, and may say any evil thing against you falsely for My sake- rejoice and be glad, because your reward [is] great in the heavens, for thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (LSV)

So OP should maybe be pleased they are being mocked, or feels disrespected/ persecuted etc ? I have no idea. That is one for the believers. But there is a problem with that.

Mat 18:6 and whoever may cause to stumble one of those little ones who are believing in Me, it is better for him that a weighty millstone may be hanged on his neck, and he may be sunk in the depth of the sea. (LSV)

I will just quote that verse, not the context. Being disrespectful/mocking a believer seems ok, but to try de-convert them is not. And the apostasy bit has been dropped. But it is a capital sentence. By drowning now, not stoning as per the OT.

Again though, this in on the believer. I am defo swinging heavily into the DD camp here. For the OP though.. there is this :

Mat 6:6 But you, when you may pray, go into your chamber, and having shut your door, pray to your Father who [is] in secret, and your Father who is seeing in secret will reward you.(LSV)

I was raised a Jehovah's Witness and was one well into early adulthood. Plenty of us who have left the cult are triggered when our parents and other people talk about it actually. My mum still pressures me to attend the church now, and the thought makes me physically sick. And yes, I do mock and criticise their beliefs because it's a harmful organisation. OP's daughter was lucky in that she wasn't forced to go after ten, but maybe she feels strongly about the harm that religion has done. She is also 16, so will struggle to hide these feelings. OP needs to get a backbone.

DD should always speak with respect to anyone who talks about their day.

Remind DD that you would listen respectfully about her Athiest group's fund raising and choir singing and not call her stupid or her belief's batshit and that you will not accept inappropriate and rude comments.

Be careful not to over share your feelings about your actual belief system.
Stick to details of people you meet, food you cooked and money you raised etc.

She’s 16. They tend to be quite argumentative and disagreeable at this age. I’d just leave her to it and not react.

Our kids were raised Catholic but are out and proud atheists. I’m quite proud they have the courage of their convictions.

It depends how much and how you talk about it / how much respect you are showing to her views if she feels you “go on” about it - hard to say without being there ) and without being a teen with enhanced intolerance of parents

Perhaps take the concept of faith out of the discussion:
'You don't have to believe what I believe, and I respect that you're an atheist. But church is genuinely good for me. It gives me friendship, community, purpose, time to reflect and opportunities to help others. There's scientific evidence linking regular participation with better mental and physical wellbeing. You don't have to share my beliefs, but I'd like you to respect that they're important to me'.

If she’s an atheist, it will be very hard for her to ‘respect’ your faith, but she should be respecting YOU.
Talk to her about it from that perspective and you may get some progress.
Good luck xx

Fervour of any kind is dull and absurd for the non believer, be it religion or sport etc

Tbf she is not an adult.
Teenagers are notoriously self righteous and she is displaying normal teenage behaviour. Obviously her rudeness needs to be called out - that’s the parenting side of things.

I wonder whether it is quite tedious for her hear about church-related activities all the time and maybe disrespectful of her beliefs. Or just hearing about the same activities repeatedly is getting grating- if OP was always talking about the cycling club, gym routines or whatever.
I could clearly be off the mark but something for OP to maybe consider.

Tell her that if she insists on eye rolling then you will be doing the same when she talks about her feelings.
Tell her that you won’t allow religion or politics ruin your relationship so no discussion and be respectful.
It is difficult when they’re teenagers. My DD is very left wing, I’m definitely more right wing, we don’t discuss of these issues. She thought it was funny to say her friends were laughing at memes about Charlie Kirk yesterday.
I told her to get a grip, a young father died. I like others didn’t agree with everything he said but would never mock a tragedy.

I am in a similar position with my own DD. She is also 16 and very much an athiest. Me, DH and her DB are all Christian. We are very respectful of the fact she doesn't believe and has no interest in church. However my DD is respectful of us (not the religion itself). She understands why faith is important to each one of us. How we came to it. We didn't indoctrinate her brother, he actually led us back to faith.
I am also a kids faith leader. My DH is also a kids leader, media volunteer and cooks for church so we are quite active in church life. She knows this, will ask about certain things (like hows Alpha going dad? Was service ok this week?) But will not get into theological debate because in her eyes its stupid. She has been to church before (to check it wasnt a cult) and decided it was "safe".
Do I wish things were different? Yes. But I respect her beliefs regardless.

My Mum was devout Catholic, we were all raised Catholic but I stopped going to church voluntarily about aged 11 when my Grandma died. But I attended a Catholic school and we had mass there every Friday in the chapel on site. Any Holy Day of Obligation that fell on a school day also meant church.

My Mum knew I didn't believe but it was a huge part of who my Mum was and she also gave out communion to those who were too ill to make it to church, was involved in other church activities. It wasn't just attending mass.

My children are atheists but they are not allowed to make fun of anyone having faith and believing in a God, whatever God that may be - Christian, Hindu, Sikh, Muslim etc. Your DD wouldn't dare roll her eye to a classmate talking about visiting temple or the mosque so call her out on her behaviour now. It is rude and disrespectful and do not allow the whole they are teenagers bit to sway you. Teenagers especially need to be taught how to behave.

A teenager will roll their eyes about anything they find a pain and they are hearing too much about. That's fine.
If a member of the family makes incessant mention of something they do not like it will be tedious e.g. grinding on about a hobby or political view. Showing irritation about this is normal.

Religion does not have to be exempt from this. It is not in a separate category. It is just as open to criticism and to annoying a family member as anything else.

I expect this lass has " had it up to here" with it all in her 16 years and wants to hear no more.

Why is it any more disrespectful to express irritation about this rather than about say golf?

No special pleading for religion I say.

i find it best not to talk about politics or religion with anyone if I can help it.

I would just try hard not to mention it all, as much as it bothers you how she reacts it probably bothers her the same when you mention it.

You're not comprehending what you're reading. Or, you don't care to take the time to try. I told you I don't actively believe things I don't have evidence for - as you shouldn't. But I do "accept" scientific consensus. I remind myself scientists have been and continue to be wrong about things and so I don't rely on blind faith - which is literally what we're talking about here! I can accept something without actively believing it. I wouldn't join a flat earth movement, but I also don't shout at anyone about science unless I know what I'm talking about - I don't need to have done the experiment literally myself but I at least need to understand the experiment and I don't so I'll just stay out of it either way. I don't need to actively believe anything about the earth's shape to go about my daily business. For the record: I accept it is round(!)

It's interesting you don't see the irony in choosing to believe something just because it has the word 'science' attached when you yourself don't actually 'know' for sure.

Anyway, back to the actual point: no, I don't respect people who believe in fantasies, but as long as they don't hurt anyone, I will tolerate them by not insulting them to their faces when they bring it up. I'm an adult and can just choose not to engage.

She is talking about how she spent her day not "religion". Do you think Andy Burnham talks about the weather when he gets home because it is rude to talk about politics and that is what he does for a living so no mention of anything he did all day is appropriate?