AIBU to expect my atheist teenager to respect my faith?

[Cantstopeatingjaffacakes]

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed with DD16?

Religion is a big part of my life and I attend church weekly, lead children’s church once a month, go to a weekly prayer meeting and am on the PCC (church leadership). I also work for a Christian charity.

DD used to come to church with me and when she was 10 she asked to stop going as she found it boring which I was fine with as I’ve never believed in forcing it.

Since then we’ve never really spoken about faith other than I have one and it’s important to me. I’ve also said numerous times that it’s ok if she doesn’t believe and it’s something that has to come from within rather than be imposed on you by family.

Recently she’s become quite vocal about being an atheist which is fine - it’s something she’s thought about and has come to her own conclusion.

The issue is that if I chat about something I’ve done at church or that I’m going to my prayer meeting she’ll roll her eyes and say that all religions are stupid which I find quite disrespectful. I don’t agree with her beliefs but I would never call them stupid and I’m not sure how to address it with her without it turning into a big debate about religion.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to respect that I have my beliefs in the same way that she has hers? Should I stop mentioning my church activities even though it’s a big part of my life?

Sorry it’s a bit longwinded but I didn’t want to drip feed.

Teenagers can lack tact in how they express their feelings because, of course, they know everything.

That being said not every belief that someone else holds is necessarily deserving of polite deference. If someone talks to me about how they're in a hurry because they need to get to their meeting of "The Earth's Flat and The Royal Family Are All Shape-Shifting Lizards Society" then I'd struggle to pretend that what they're saying isn't batshit insane. If that makes me rude then so be it. The dividing line between beliefs that are deserving of respectful deference and those that should be called out for the utter bollocks they are is a personal one.

How can you be happy for her when you think she will burn in hell for all eternity?

[quote]I’m not sure how to address it with her without it turning into a big debate about religion.[/quote]

She probably disrespects your belief because you are not having a big debate about religion. You believe you know the secret of spending eternity in glorious perfection and you won't even talk to her about it.

I agree with this.

I'm an atheist (who grew up in a Christian home) and I'm fairly open about my views, but eye-rolling and calling something you care about "stupid" is rude, whatever that thing is.

I'm an atheist and think religions have caused a lot of harm. I don't see how rolling her eyes is "standing up for" anyone though?

You sound very respectful and careful, but have you had an express conversation where you have told her that you accept her feelings about religion and that you are not looking to change her mind? Teens can be a bit chippy and she might misinterpret you talking about your day as you wanting to guilt her into believing or participating on the sly or she might actually feel a bit conflicted, not about the religion, but about disappointing you. If it were me I would make clear that I have respect for her beliefs and would never try to convert her but that I would expect her to have respect for yours.

I am a hardcore atheist and I think she should be pulled up on her rudeness. She needs to learn to use words well if she is uncomfortable with your mention of things faith related, and she has to accept it is important to you.

Why do you think your DD would be interested in your comments about church stuff?

It's her way of saying stop preaching...

Stop looking through rose tinted glasses about religion when so many people have fallen off their perches for horrible reasons associated with the church.

Every year new things, hushed up for generations, come out. Not because finding out the truth is the 'right' thing to do. It's just that people have finally got caught....

I'd roll my eyes too....

Because it’s part of my day, The same as college / work / seeing her friends is part of hers.

I’m not sure I’m understanding what the issue with me saying I’m off to a prayer meeting or a leadership meeting is.

Why not simply forgive her?

Good idea. Turn the other cheek.

Because she probably thinks it makes you sound like a loon.

If you don't believe in it, then all of it sounds barmy. I expect she doesn't respect your beliefs and thinks they are stupid.

I feel she's safer not getting involved with the church and not wanting to.

Too many things that haven't come out yet, too many attempted cover ups, too many people still in post who probably shouldn't be. Too much trust based on friendships rather than DBS checks, recent references etc.

You are free as an adult to live your life however you like, eg bible meetings etc. But historically, middle aged mums haven't been the targets, it's more the children your daughters age.

I think its fine to expect her to be polite, but if you know she isnt interested in religion/religious activities why do you keep trying to talk about them with her? I have a friend who does this, makes everything about church. She cant tell a story about something funny or interesting without hamming up that it happened at church or overegging the religious element of it and making everything about that.

Eg she'll mention a carol service shes attended. but instead of talking how great the organist was or the lovely sound the choristers made or how gorgeous the christmas decorations were, she'll evangelise about how close to god she felt and wax on about witness and jesus and what not. This is very very boring to an atheist.

Trying talking to her about other things in your life, or share the bit of news about a friend or funny story, but don't focus on the religious elements. Its not meaningful to her.

I was an atheist from around 11 but became a fake satanist at 15 just to wind my catholic mother up. Upside down cross and everything.

Cringy now that I think back at it. But teenage rebellion and emotional immaturity. 15 year old aren't exactly known for being the best version of themselves.

I would ignore her but also be aware of yourself as well. My mum would no doubt have claimed she wasn't preachy, except she was in my eyes

She’s a teen. If you were into volleyball or art or bird watching, she’d criticise that. As a teen her purpose is to test and push boundaries. Give her the boundaries, ask her to respect them, anticipate push back.
You also need to respect her getting through puberty and a massive rewiring of her frontal lobes.

Eye rolls are standard teenage behaviour. She is allowed to have her beliefs. She is allowed to think religions are stupid. She is allowed to state her opinion, whether you agree with it or not. Why do you think she should keep quiet about it? If you don’t think it’s stupid, that’s all that matters.

I mean, I think all religions are stupid, were historically a way of controlling a population, are all massively misogynistic and have caused so many problems in the world, and continue to. Presumably you don’t think I’m not allowed to say that, and you can just disagree and we can move on?

If you were an atheist, she’d be a fervent Christian. She’s a teenager finding her way. Let her be. Odds are that in a decade she’ll be ordained.

she’ll roll her eyes and say that all religions are stupid which I find quite disrespectful. I don’t agree with her beliefs but I would never call them stupid and I’m not sure how to address it with her without it turning into a big debate about religion.

It doesn't need to be about religion per se, or at all. It isn't about religion it is about understanding that people have very different views about politics, (many issues), ethics incl things like vegetarianism , abortion, assisted dying, whether Yorkshire pudding goes with Christmas dinner, and religion.

Talk about free speech (start with Voltaire), expression and different beliefs and opinions in a democratic society and that different beliefs and opinions are up for mutual debate but rudeness and personal attacks are not part of a democratic discourse in which free speech and the right to a personal opinion are fundamental.

Ask her if she believes in equality and diversity and point out that as she moves into college, Uni, workplace, she will encounter Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Dialectical Materialists and Scientologists and she can't just be rude to them all.

She is entitled and allowed to think 'all religions are stupid' - she is not allowed to be rude to you and she won't get far if she is rude to everyone who holds different beliefs to her own.

Maybe she's bitter that she spent the first 10 years of her life being dressed up and taken to church and Sunday school etc every weekend and feels she needs to rebel against having your views imposed on her at such a young and impressionable age.

She's 16 - she's just trying to get a rise out of you. It's normal teenage rebellion and if I were you, I'd ignore it. Once she realises you're not giving her a reaction, she won't bother!

She does sound rude however you talking about the church you indoctrinated her into for over 10 years and now she is questioning everything has to be a huge thing for her and you still 'seeing the church' is almost like you are having an affair to put it anecdotally. You tried to make her believe what you believe, she grew up and realised she doesn't believe yet you still mention it lots to her. Shes a kid of 16, she may feel you are rubbing salt in the wound.

Because she sees them as akin to bustling off to a meeting of the Flat Earth Society, as not worthy of respect.

Play Jesus music loudly in the car. And in the house when her friends are there 🤣🤣🤣

No OP don’t actually do that. But she is being an immature disrespectful little madam. Part of being an adult is living alongside and tolerating other people’s beliefs and identities.
I don’t believe in Islam. But there is no way I would be berating my lovely muslim colleague for her faith. In fact I ask her about it and we have had some great conversations.

She is testing you. Continue to respond with kindness and grace, while being firm in your expectation that she treat you with respect. Don't allow her to goad you into being defensive, for example. You are right that you can't force your views on her, but you can model Christ's gentleness in your relationship with her.