AIBU to expect my atheist teenager to respect my faith?

[Cantstopeatingjaffacakes]

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed with DD16?

Religion is a big part of my life and I attend church weekly, lead children’s church once a month, go to a weekly prayer meeting and am on the PCC (church leadership). I also work for a Christian charity.

DD used to come to church with me and when she was 10 she asked to stop going as she found it boring which I was fine with as I’ve never believed in forcing it.

Since then we’ve never really spoken about faith other than I have one and it’s important to me. I’ve also said numerous times that it’s ok if she doesn’t believe and it’s something that has to come from within rather than be imposed on you by family.

Recently she’s become quite vocal about being an atheist which is fine - it’s something she’s thought about and has come to her own conclusion.

The issue is that if I chat about something I’ve done at church or that I’m going to my prayer meeting she’ll roll her eyes and say that all religions are stupid which I find quite disrespectful. I don’t agree with her beliefs but I would never call them stupid and I’m not sure how to address it with her without it turning into a big debate about religion.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to respect that I have my beliefs in the same way that she has hers? Should I stop mentioning my church activities even though it’s a big part of my life?

Sorry it’s a bit longwinded but I didn’t want to drip feed.

“She knows where you are going, it's weekly or monthly and has been for her entire life. Why can't you just say you are off out? She knows where you are going, what time it starts and what time it finishes because it is predictable behaviour.”

Imagine saying this to someone whose daily life has a lot to do with a different ideology – campaigning for gay rights, or feminist advocacy. “Why do you have to mention that you were at your Fawcett Society meeting? She knows where you are going, it's weekly or monthly and has been for her entire life. Why can't you just say you are off out?”

”It does appear by this constant reference to your gay rights meeting that you are indeed trying to force your gay rights ideology on your daughter.”

Being gay isn't a choice @YankSplaining.

Nor is being a woman.

Only on MN can you get posts saying a 16 yo girl is being rude and needs to be taken down a peg, and on another thread, no 16 year old boy going the army can possibly understand what that means

I don't recall any bit of RS requiring bible passages, let alone parental opinions. I'm not sure why you're doing OP the courtesy when clearly her daughter, the one who actually lives with her, feels otherwise and is acting out.

I don’t understand this.

Leaving aside the “only on MN” bit because it’s unprovable.

Is the sex of the child relevant?

16 year olds of either sex cannot join the army without their parent’s consent and they’ll be just training, surely?

A young person who has enlisted can still be rude.

Is being rude the equivalent of signing up to kill and be killed?

I just don’t understand the equivalence being suggested here.

Bold of you to assume people don't say this to us all day every day. I cannot make a single reference to attending queer events in real life without people acting like I've just described my last smear test.

@FriendlyMedusa ”I don't recall any bit of RS requiring bible passages, let alone parental opinions”

oh, did they finally ban Christianity from the Religious Studies curriculum?

seriously though… I’m so confused by your post.

Only on mumsnet can a religious nut job, sorry, poster, say a 16yr old girl will be 'going to hell'...

The good news is that the church is more interested, historically speaking, in boys than girls.

My DS19 makes barbed remarks from time to time. Like you I am an active church goer, lead prayers and do youth work. I know for a fact my DS prays and I pray for him to find faith. Your DD will too. We were discussing our paths to Christ at Bible study last night and we had all been brought up in faith to different extents and most of us had left church but then found our way back. If you know your bible stories it’s like a blueprint and it all comes back to you. Ask dad to respect your faith and pray for her return xx

Nope that's out of order....half my family are also religious but doesn't stop me asking if they had a good time or what they up to next...I mean if that's the attitude I can think of several people's work ethics but I would never say actually a job is a job till you get the one you want everytime they moaned they can't get one, either way you could not like many things doesn't mean be disrespectful or nasty

The feeling is mutual. When exactly have you or your kids required bible passages to complete RS projects?

I studied all major religions including Christianity and at no point was anyone reading the Quran or Torah, either.

You've obviously got a bee in your bonnet about christians being some sort of oppressed class in Britain '26.

As a dedicated atheist I think that she is being disrespectful towards you. She needs to learn that just because she’s an atheist doesn’t mean she can put down all other people’s beliefs.

is she rude to other people in other ways?

The problem with a lot of young people is that the ability to critically think the issues through is on the wane. She can’t just say religion is stupid, she needs to read books about philosophy and ethics and sciences to build her worldview. Also she’s 16 so she thinks she knows everything and her Mum is just stupid, like most teenagers.

Set boundaries now and teach her what it is to have her ideas but also to respect others without merely dismissing them as wrong. Also, your work in the Church obviously doesn’t interest her, so find another thing you can do together.

• dd

@FriendlyMedusa “When exactly have you or your kids required bible passages to complete RS projects?”

I did, but that was years ago

At this time of night, I can only check with the Internet, but it seems that using quotations from religious texts is still happening.

I’m genuinely baffled. Why wouldn’t it be? How would you do a complete piece of work without quoting from the text that you have read? I realise that other religions may have a language barrier but this is one that doesn’t -so you would be expected to quote from it.

As an athiest myself i agree with your daughter and i think anyone going on about their religion would do my head in. Maybe stop talking about it so much for a bit

She doesn't have to respect your faith. She does need to learn to be considerate of people. Many of whom have a faith.

It's an important difference and it's possible both of you need to learn the difference considering your thread title.

@Diamond7272 Funny you mentioned the BBC, who are very adept at covering for creepy predatory men over several decades. (What's with all the ellipsis at the end of your sentences?)

I thought the people bringing hell into the conversation were being sarcastic? At least that's how I read it.

My church is weird, but we're actually growing (although not as fast as an underground church in Iran.) Safeguarding is taken very seriously. We have lay clergy, so it's a bit different to the Catholic church or Church of England.

She should be polite of course, but please stop talking about her “beliefs”. She doesn’t have beliefs-atheism is an absence of belief! Do be absolutely sure you’re not talking to her in a way that sounds as if you’re trying to persuade her towards your way of thinking. But definitely challenge any rudeness.

I’m an atheist with stage 4 cancer. My partner is a devout Catholic who thinks lighting candles in the church and prayer is actually going to make a difference to my prognosis. Sometimes it’s hard seeing how brainwashed someone you love really is.

If you don’t believe that the Earth is round, for the lack of personally conducted experimentation and scientific research, how do you even get through one day? Quite a number of the fundamental things that make our world go round, so to speak, are generally taken on trust by us Muggles.

Personally, I’d have no truck with a Flat Earther any more than I would a Scientologist or Jehovah’s Witness, for example.
Faith is one thing, and good luck to the happy sort who have it, but when it’s wrapped in truly unacceptable dogma and barking mad attitudes to science, I exit stage left, shaking my head. Nope.

It covers a range of religions and philosophies and generally does not go into the detail of studying the religious text itself. You don't need bible passages for RS, its op being a bit "church blind" as a pp said and not realising how much she goes on about her faith.

Yes the DD is being a bit rude. But the op would do better to find common ground with the DD and talk about other interests & non church focussed parts of her life.

There is always a Bible verse. And here is the one for this instance.

"Deu 21:18-21 When a man has a son apostatizing and being rebellious he is not listening to the voice of his father and to the voice of his mother, and they have disciplined him, and he does not listen to them then his father and his mother have laid hold on him, and they have brought him out to [the] elderly of his city, and to the gate of his place, and have said to [the] elderly of his city, Our son is apostatizing and being rebellious; he is not listening to our voice--a glutton and drunkard. Then all the men of his city have stoned him with stones and he has died, and you have put away the evil out of your midst, and all Israel hears and fears."(LSV)

Woah. I am not suggesting that at all. I am atheist. I have no belief in the supernatural at all. But it is in the Bible. And if someone says they believe what is in the Bible....... well.

And I think this brings up an important point, and other posters have mentioned this. We can expand on what other posters have said. That is respect for beliefs, or nonbelief works both ways.

If a religion has a belief that there will be an end of days, burning in hell for eternity, or variations of this, for anyone not of the same faith, then that is rather disrespectful to those others.

So really, for me anyway, if a believer has a loved one who is without belief, then the respectful thing in that instance would be for a conversation where the believer makes it totally clear, with conviction and honesty. that the loved one is excluded from that belief.

That of course opens up a can of worms. But that can of worms belong to the believer, not the one without belief.

So when the OP announces they are off to Church, is DD sat there thinking, " Off they goes to pray for the end of the world so all of us burn for eternity while she and her pals sit on a cloud listening to Cliff Richard sing... for ever" ?

Edit - formatting.

@Diamond7272your post makes you sound like someone who likes to impose your views on others, and judge others negatively for not agreeing. Diminishing the rights and views of others, and acting superior because your beliefs differ. It reminds me of the school nuns of my Catholic childhood actually. Ironic, I think.

I would say sit down with her and have a proper conversation about how to deal with this moving forward.

I was forced to go to synagogue for years as a child and absolutely hated it. I am now an atheist.

From her perspective, you will sound ‘stupid’ saying that you’re going to prayer group as you will be praying to nothing. You will also sound silly saying you ‘respect her belief’. God doesn’t actually exist, so it’s you that has the ‘belief’, not her.

Speak to her about rudeness and ensure she knows she can’t act like this around other religious people withour facing serious consequences. But also understand she is allowed to be annoyed with it and she will always have the same opinion about it.

I as a ‘Jewish’ atheist understand people are religious. I don’t respect it though.

But she’s not an adult, she’s 16, a time when teenagers DO start to question the world around them.

OP, I’d open discussion with her. Let her air her views and encourage research, but keep it respectful.