To not pay towards her rent?

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

My sister has struggled with addiction for many years, she's lost her kids (they live with their dad's) and been in trouble with the police.

She got into a rehab and got kicked out for taking drugs in there so we have kind of gave up on her getting clean. She bounced around from homeless place to another bit eventually got herself a flat.

She has now been sent to prison and because her sentence is over a particular threshold she can't get housing benefit and so is looking at losing her flat.

She has asked me to chip in towards paying her rent, she is planning to ask me, her boyfriend, best friend and her daughter to all club together.

I can afford it, I have a child I am supporting through uni and two children at home so it's not like I won't miss it but I could afford it if I want to.

The reason I am tempted to say no is - it is asking a lot of 4 separate people, if any of them miss a month or change their mind, then the whole lot has been a waste. She can only keep the flat if everyone pays (or someone else picks up the slack). So I can see a situation where everyone feels sorry for her in month one and two, then Christmas comes up and her best friend who has four children can't afford it, so I then pick up that payment too, she has an argument with her boyfriend and he decides he's not paying and before I know it I either pay the lot or. She loses the flat anyway and it's all been a waste of money.

So YANBU - don't pay
YABU - this is your sister, she will be off drugs when she gets out and this is a real chance to change her life. You can afford it so pay.

Don't pay. This seems harsh but you will very likely end up paying most or all of it, and is it really the best option that she never has any consequences?

It would be a hard no from me.

If losing one's kids isn't the wake up call to get sober and clean, then she is beyond help.

I wouldn't be enabling anymore of her shit show.

There are consequences and how many rock bottom moments does she need? She won’t stop if people keep propping her up.

That's the thing @FreddoEspresso, she lost her first child and then years later took exactly the same course in life and lost her second children.

Neither time helped wake her up.

I don't believe she will come out and stay clean.

Don’t pay, not to “teach her a lesson” or to deprive her, but because this isn’t a sustainable solution for her (or realistic)

What a tough and sad situation.

I would think about it not as paying her rent but as a vote in support of her. Maybe the other people will do the same and she will keep her flat. maybe they won’t and she will lose but that is out of your control. ( and I don’t think you should step in if they can’t contribute)

what I don’t know is, is it more helpful for her recovery if she believes you’ve always got her back? Or more helpful if she understands she doesn’t have any more chances and she has to sort herself out alone?

if she loses the flat, where will she go after prison?

Seems like it’s better if you don’t pay. She will probably default when she gets out and then it will all be wasted anyway.

And if she does lose the flat she can look for some help when she gets out.

Seems like paying for a flat to sit empty would be a total waste.

Can it be sublet for the duration?

I don't know how I would deal with the guilt knowing I could help her and don't. If she loses the flat she will be in a hostel on her release and will definitely end up back on drugs.
If she keeps the flat she will probably have a massive blow out to celebrate getting out and probably end up back on drugs.

Where does the boyfriend live and what's his situation? I'd let the two of them sort it out between them TBH.

I'd offer to pay for a delivery of food, and the odd bill when she gets out, things like that. But enabling her to keep the flat, while she is once again incarcerated is not good, some people are not salvageable sadly.

It's a social housing property paid for by housing benefit so I don't think it can be sub let legally, then it's who do you let it to, someone that has means to pay, plus will move out when she gets out.

Definitely dont pay. You already know that it wont work. Addicts dont change unfortunately.
She will have to go into a homeless hostel when she is released

The boyfriend has his own flat, he works in a low paid job. He doesn't take hard drugs and has tried to help her off them, they have been very on and off over the years.

Agree totally with this. I wouldn’t pay.

Is private rental or council
Are you being asked to be a gaurrentees (if so you would still have to pay the money if she didnt)
Or is she just asking you all to pay the extra per month ?

Regardless i would not do any you will definatly lose money at some point.

She needs to buck her ideas up sort her life out and get support to find somewhere smaller / cheaper that is under the threshold that she can afford / Housing benifits allows.

My head totally agrees but the thought of not helping my sister makes me feel so guilty.

There’s a saying that goes something like play stupid games get stupid prizes.
It is HER responsibility and hers alone!
Do not pay @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug
It’s sad and I truly hope she eventually gets sorted - but only she can do it. X

It's a council flat, she wants us to cover her rent because she is on prison for the next 8 months and doesn't want to lose the flat.

Flat or no flat I sadly can't see her staying off the drugs @Brideofclovershe has been addicted to cocaine since her teens, never had a job in her life and more recently crack.
Lost custody of three children and been arrested for serious crimesore than once.

She needs to speak to her housing officer at the council/housing association.

Her probation officer will assist her with housing upon her release from prison.
Good post though, some good points there.

I know. It's very easy for us to say DON'T DO IT!, but the reality of your guilt about not helping, and the obvious love you have for sis, is evident.

I think you might need to discuss it with someone independent and get a steer as to how to approach the dilemma. What about contacting one of the drugs counsellors at the rehab maybe and see what they think? They might not guide you, but they might. Worth a phone call anyway, or to some similar service.

Tough one.

knowing I could help her and don't.

Stop woth the guilt. You have nothing to be guilty for. You could say that always "helping" her has made her situation worse. She has always had a fallback, never faced up to the situations she has created.

She's going to prison. She did that, no one else.
She lost her kids because of her actions.
She is loosing her housing because of her actions.
Her actions have consequences.

Its not for lack of help and support that she has continued on the path she is on.

Her social housing accomodation should go back into the social housing pool for someone who is on the waiting list for that property. Its another of those situations where HER actions have a consequence.

If she keeps the flat she will probably have a massive blow out to celebrate getting out and probably end up back on drugs.

Stop rescuing her. She makes her own decisions, let her sit with the consequences.

You support her by supporting her, when she is making effort to change, when she is trying. When she isnt trying to help herself, you can't will her or make her live the life you want her to live.

Once she is out she will be put into emergency husing and then on a housing list, she will be waiting a long time if she is privately renting as not deemed 'homeless'.
There is a chance when she is out she will go on a bender and you will be stuck paying her rent for a long time, best she gets out of it now..

Thanks @Ashmol,She will always be my sister, I can see how she has ended up where she did we had the worst kind of childhood in every way imaginable and I thank the lord that I didn't follow a similar path.

@DahliaDelightsyou are absolutely nailing it and my head agrees with everything you are saying. I just need to figure out how to not feel guilty about it.