To not pay towards her rent?

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

My sister has struggled with addiction for many years, she's lost her kids (they live with their dad's) and been in trouble with the police.

She got into a rehab and got kicked out for taking drugs in there so we have kind of gave up on her getting clean. She bounced around from homeless place to another bit eventually got herself a flat.

She has now been sent to prison and because her sentence is over a particular threshold she can't get housing benefit and so is looking at losing her flat.

She has asked me to chip in towards paying her rent, she is planning to ask me, her boyfriend, best friend and her daughter to all club together.

I can afford it, I have a child I am supporting through uni and two children at home so it's not like I won't miss it but I could afford it if I want to.

The reason I am tempted to say no is - it is asking a lot of 4 separate people, if any of them miss a month or change their mind, then the whole lot has been a waste. She can only keep the flat if everyone pays (or someone else picks up the slack). So I can see a situation where everyone feels sorry for her in month one and two, then Christmas comes up and her best friend who has four children can't afford it, so I then pick up that payment too, she has an argument with her boyfriend and he decides he's not paying and before I know it I either pay the lot or. She loses the flat anyway and it's all been a waste of money.

So YANBU - don't pay
YABU - this is your sister, she will be off drugs when she gets out and this is a real chance to change her life. You can afford it so pay.

I hadn't thought of it from this point of view, and I have to agree.

How long is she in for?

How about you read all OP's posts??

So your DSis convinced someone to go out with her so their house could be burgled- I know she's a drug addict so desperate for money but her morals really are in the gutter @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug . I'm sorry, I know she's family but you can't trust her and you can't help her, the only one who can do that is her. I'd concentrate on keeping your DN safe, a far better use of your money

It's the main reason I haven't visited her yet, I can't get my head round what she did. I can't write her off, she's my sister but I can't just be like, oh ok never mind.

If it was drug dealing or shoplifting or god I don't know what, it would be easier to deal with.

Don't pay the rent, it's enabling her addiction and stopping her feeling the consequences of her own actions.

It's the opposite of helping her.

Helping her is offering moral support to go to NA meetings or rehab. Helping her is finding a counsellor to deal with whatever she needs to deal with to stop using.

Helping her is realising that she will go to ANY lengths to fund her addiction and she can apply that same focus on getting clean and sober. If she wants to. Which she doesn't.

Its her life, don't get sucked down the drain. She has to want to change and the quicker way to force that is to let her feel consequences, even if they are unpleasant.

I think different social housing providers will have different rules, but usually you can't keep a property empty beyond a certain timeframe unless there's mitigating reasons such as long hospital stays. Which is another reason for OP not to pay it as it could be money down the drain. I know when my cousin went back inside (also drugs related) he was advised to give notice on his tenancy asap to avoid arrears accruing, not only because his benefits would stop, but because the length of the term meant that housing would start action to take back the tenancy. Theres often a clause in the tenancy agreements that you can be evicted for certain types of criminal or anti social behaviour, and/or not using the property as your main residence.

Sorry if this has already been said also, but the time she'll serve is dependant on whether she adheres to her license on release - with the addiction issues, there's a good chance she'll breach those in other to fund her addiction, and then she'll be back in and serving a full two years.

Your sisters logic is addicts logic - where addicts think it's easy for everyone else and you're just being mean if you don't help! But in reality it's a stupid plan, it's likely not legal, it's not fair on her daughter at all, and you risk losing a lot of money for no gain. You can help her in other ways if you want to, this isn't it.

Lot of people saying that she has to hit rock bottom before she'll get help. Unfortunately, if losing your children repeatedly and getting sent to prison isn't rock bottom, she's never going to reach it.

Addiction is a horrific thing. It is not a testament to how much or how little the addict values things or people, which is how people around the addict perceive it (he chose alcohol over me, she chose drugs over the kids etc.). It's like a brain worm that takes over the entire mind of the addict. It is tunnel vision. It is continuing to go back to the addiction even when there are consequences. It's like being taken over by something else that steers your body, distorts your thoughts and perceptions, and interprets EVERYTHING in terms of whether it will or will not facilitate continued access to the addiction. If it won't get you the drugs/drink/gambling/whatever, it's discarded.

I don't say this to excuse any addict's behaviour, I just wanted to give an insight into why they act as they do, and that it isn't ANYTHING to do with what the people around them do or say or feel. I hope it helps someone.

No don’t pay. We’ve been through this crap with SIL and DH refuses to have anything to do with her. MIL rallies round constantly to help her and her shit show of a life but DH and I want no part. Addicts can only change if they want to and it doesn’t sound as though your sister does. As if losing three children wouldn’t wake her up… Very sad. Don’t get involved, you have your own life to worry about. I’m sure the state will put her up in a halfway house or something.

Hi OP, I completely understand why you’re feeling concerned and guilty, especially when it involves someone you love. But please try to remind yourself that feeling responsible and actually being responsible are two very different things.
You didn’t cause your sister’s addiction, and you cannot control her choices or fix the consequences of them. However much you love her, her life and recovery ultimately have to be hers to take responsibility for. You can care about her without taking responsibility for her.
It’s also worth remembering that coming from a difficult or dysfunctional family doesn’t mean everyone has to follow the same path. You have made different choices, and that shows that another path is possible — although ultimately, only your sister can choose hers.
Stepping back doesn’t mean you’re giving up on her or that you don’t love her. Sometimes putting down the responsibility you’ve been carrying is actually the healthiest and most loving thing you can do — for yourself, your own family and, potentially, for her too.
You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to say no to situations that are damaging your own safety, happiness or peace. You are allowed to stop trying to rescue someone who isn’t currently able or willing to rescue themselves.
When the guilt creeps in, try asking yourself: “Have I actually done something wrong, or am I feeling guilty because I’m no longer taking responsibility for something that was never mine to carry?”
You don’t have to fix this. You can love your sister, hope that she finds her way, and still step away from the chaos. Those things can exist together.
Be kind to yourself. You’re not abandoning her — you’re recognising where your responsibility ends. Wishing you lots of strength with it all

Please don't take this as patronising OP it is absolutely not meant that way but there are organisations that support relatives of prisoners, and one was helpful to a friend of mine who was very affected by the crime they'd committed and the related issues of dealing with their family member.

That is exactly her logic, everything is harder for her, everything is always someone else fault.

I think the best thing she can do is get her boyfriend to store some of her stuff, hand the tenancy back on good terms before rent arrears accrued and then she has a chance of getting back on the housing list when she comes back out.

I appreciate all the advice given!

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to sort yourself out. This maybe her rock bottom.

is it social housing? If she loses it she will be deemed intentionally homeless and won’t qualify again.

eta: you’ve already answered my question.

You obviously find it hard to think of cutting her off completely Op, if you want to try and support her then do it in a way that doesn't give her money for drugs- don't give her cash or let her move in with you- buy her food, pay money directly to utilities, anything that helps but can't be sold on or used for drugs. If you haven't done it already I'd suggest talking to a charity for addictions, hopefully they'd be able to give you useful advice

There you have it. If losing her DC didn't stop her addiction nothing will. You'd be better to help her DC.

I wouldn't pay her rent. You will never see the money again and in no time she will ask you for more money. It never ends with addicts before the take responsibility fir themselves.