To not pay towards her rent?

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

My sister has struggled with addiction for many years, she's lost her kids (they live with their dad's) and been in trouble with the police.

She got into a rehab and got kicked out for taking drugs in there so we have kind of gave up on her getting clean. She bounced around from homeless place to another bit eventually got herself a flat.

She has now been sent to prison and because her sentence is over a particular threshold she can't get housing benefit and so is looking at losing her flat.

She has asked me to chip in towards paying her rent, she is planning to ask me, her boyfriend, best friend and her daughter to all club together.

I can afford it, I have a child I am supporting through uni and two children at home so it's not like I won't miss it but I could afford it if I want to.

The reason I am tempted to say no is - it is asking a lot of 4 separate people, if any of them miss a month or change their mind, then the whole lot has been a waste. She can only keep the flat if everyone pays (or someone else picks up the slack). So I can see a situation where everyone feels sorry for her in month one and two, then Christmas comes up and her best friend who has four children can't afford it, so I then pick up that payment too, she has an argument with her boyfriend and he decides he's not paying and before I know it I either pay the lot or. She loses the flat anyway and it's all been a waste of money.

So YANBU - don't pay
YABU - this is your sister, she will be off drugs when she gets out and this is a real chance to change her life. You can afford it so pay.

Can’t she stay with him on release?

Have you/her already spoke to housing association about any possible options? If you explain the situation they may be open to an alternate payment arrangement once her sentence is complete, it’s not unheard of and definitely an option to look into.

Honestly though I don’t know what I would do, it’s easy to say when you aren’t in that position. BIL is an addict and we have over the years thrown insane amounts of money at rehab, therapy, repaying debts which were supposed to get his head back above water as well as practical support in abundance, we are now no contact but it took us a long time to get here and looking back I think we were naive for a long time about what we could really do to help. You have to decide what you are prepared to do, and realistically what you’re prepared to lose.

I think relying on four different people for 8 months isn't realistic. If her rent is £1000 pcm it's asking each person to find an extra £250 a month, if it's £500 it's still £125. You say her boyfriend is on a low income and I'm guessing her daughter is a young adult so will be tight on money too. I honestly can't see everyone agreeing or if they do being able to sustain it.

She doesn't want to be stuck relying on someone else, she has been homeless for a long time and they are very on and off so not a reliable home.

Don't pay and cut her off completely. Why would you want someone like that around? If she wasn't your sister, would you really have a criminal drug addicted neglectful mother in your life?

I know she had checked out the housing benefit situation but I don't know if she has actually spoken to the housing to ask about alternative arrangements. Not sure they will speak to me on her behalf though.

I don’t know how to answer here. I totally see that the money might all end up being wasted -it’s so easy for one person out of four to miss a payment - but I think she does need support.
And oh if only beating addiction were as easy as bucking your ideas up, as some people on here seem to think!

That's the reason I am reluctant. It's a lot to ask from too many people with their own stuff going on. It will all come tumbling down and then we have just wasted money keeping a flat empty for a few extra months. What would be the point.

They will allow her to get into arrears, realistically she will be out of prison before they can actually evict her.

I'd walk away.

Sometimes it's the end of the line. Prison 8 months is that time.

Say no, accept being the bad guy otherwise you agreeing to help will be used to put pressure on the others and it sounds like they can’t afford it.
” Bugonarug is helping why can’t you?”
if you have money to spare and want to help anyone in this situation help her children, they were/ are suffering for her addiction issues and definitely through no fault of their own.

I would be more inclined to help her with a deposit if she comes out of prison clean than to desperately cling to an empty flat.

She was sentenced to two years but will serve 9 months of that, so realistically she will be out in 8 months.

Housing benefit would pay for 3 months but only if your whole sentence is less than 6 months so on this case that doesn't apply. They have stopped paying now.

Her letter is a bit garbled but she says she can get into two months of arrears so needs help paying for two months. Well that doesn't add up, she needs a minimum of 6 months paid to avoid eviction proceedings?

Given the problem with drugs in prisons she almost certainly won't be clean when she comes out, but I can't understand why you'd think the 4 way split in funding her is the issue here

If it wasn't this it would be something else, and there's no point helping until she herself is ready to make changes - which clearly hasn't happened yet

@Toosadtonightthat is another sting point that is playing on my mind. Her daughter is 18 and on universal credit which is something like £300 a month I believe, how will she afford to contribute £100 a month. Yes she can stay in the flat while her mum is away but she wouldn't afford to eat and heat the flat on that.

OP there is resettlement support from custody she might be eligible for an approved premises (like a hostel) or CAS3 accommodation which will be a flat or room in a shared house with other women these are both 3 month placements and it will depend on her risks as to which she is eligible for. She will also have a duty to refer done before she is released to the local authority she has a local connection to. She will also be referred to housing support services to find move on accommodation during those twelve weeks. This can be supported living if she meets the threshold if not it will likely be a rent deposit scheme and benefit claim to cover the ongoing rent in a private rental, this may be an HMO.

I don’t think this is a sustainable situation OP, and for all the reasons you and other posters have mentioned. I don’t hold with the posters who are saying walk away - she’s your sister and that would be very difficult. But you can’t set yourself on fire to keep your sister warm, and that’s what this amounts to. She’ll lose her flat and life will be difficult for a while when she comes out of prison, but maybe it’s a lesson she needs to learn. Sorry you’re in this position, it must be so stressful.

I don't think you should pay - ultimately, as PPs have said, you're enabling her. I think you need to say no, very firmly but very kindly. "I'm sorry, Sis, I wish things were different, but this is how it is. I will still be coming to visit you whenever you ask, and will help you in any other way I can. But the answer is no, and will stay no."

So to come up with ideas to stop the guilt i re-read your post and realised you have multiple ways to look at it.

The daughter absolutely shouldn't be asked to fund the 4 way payment: It is deeply unfair and manipulative to ask the child (who was already removed from mothers care) to fund her mother’s rent while she is in prison. By refusing to participate, you protect the daughter from financial exploitation. This is the massive red flag for me, the sister is selfish and has no thought if consequencesfor anyone other than herself.

The flat is already lost: Her actions got her where she is, not amything you did. There is no guilt. Yoy've already touched on the pitfalls of a 4 way multi-month financial chain thats only as strong as its weakest link. Youre not saving a flat; you are just delaying the eviction at your own expense.

Propping up a flat doesn't cure her addiction: Having a flat waiting for her will not keep her clean. She was kicked out of rehab for using; the root issue is her addiction, not her housing status.

So when the guilt comes in, STOP ✋️(even say it out loud, its stronger in voice), theres no guilt.

If anything you can say you'll put some funds in her prison account for essentials, treats and niceties, you can also offer help you look for temporary housing or support services when her release date is near, thats supporting her.

Paying the rent isnt.

I think you shouldn’t help her keep the flat but if her boyfriend is willing to take her in for definite when she comes out even for a fixed period then you could pay a little to him each month she’s there?

You wouldn't be helping he by paying.

You'd be showing her that once again she gets what she wants and doesn't have to face the consequences.

Does she have any money at all? Will she realistically have any money to start paying when she gets out?

Usually with HA properties if she says she is allowed 2 months of arrears what that means is they will allow 2 months of arrears before they start to seek possession. That isn’t usually a quick process, applying to court etc, and social landlord’s tend to be expected to discuss with the tenant and try to make something work if they can commit to SOME payment/repayment plan, even if they can’t manage the full amount. So possibly if partial payments could be made for those months, with discussion & agreement with her, they could hold off on possession.

I suppose if I were you I’d try to think big picture about what will actually help and what won’t. I wouldn’t bank on her being clean coming out of her sentence and if this flat was enough to keep her clean or motivate her to get clean then she wouldn’t be in this position, so would holding onto it really be for the best? I don’t know, you know her best, that’s your call to make, but if you truly think it is and you can realistically still afford it if you ended up having to make 100% of the payment if everybody else dropped out then go for it.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug Does your niece live in your sister's flat now?

I think you should help her, but not pay the rent for her. With permission from the council or housing association, she should be able to get a tenant and sublet part/all of the property while she is inside. Then, advertise the property on a website for renting out rooms and get someone in whose rent will cover the costs. If when she comes out of prison, she doesn’t have a home to come back to she’ll be in a worse position.

She turned 18 in July and left her Dad's to move in with my sisters boyfriend. It's all a bit of a mess and they all live fairly chaotic lives. She wants to stay at the flat if it's possible rather than her mum's boyfriend.

I'm not sure what the long term plan was.