To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

I wish she wouldn’t have done it and our family was as it was before, but she did, and the best thing is to just move on without her.

Separately from the money, I think you need to be clear on what exactly you wish here.

If you wish your mother hadn't had an affair and cheated on your father, that's completely valid.

If you wish your mother had just stayed in her relationship with your father and not rocked the boat, to avoid your father being unhappy and your family having to deal with the fallout from their relationship breakdown, then no, that's not a valid expectation. Your mother and father were always entitled to end their relationship at any time for any reason.

I'm assuming there's a back story apart from the affair for why your relationship with your DM is difficult, i.e. you're not cutting her off just because of that? If she's always been irresponsible and her asking for money is just the latest example of this, then that would make more sense.

Just in case you have forgotten, you said "I've survived a lot of awful people 🤷‍♀️ - i wish your mum the same grit, she needs it."

That's not offering an opinion, that's calling the OP awful. If that's not a personal attack, I am not sure what is. So it's okay for you to attack the OP, but not for other posters to speak up against you?

Nope, its a response to their personal attack on me, which was thankfully deleted.

Don’t feed them and they’ll get bored.

My thoughts exactly.

This.

You are putting oil on fire by bringing up other threads, it's completely unnecessarry to create a pile on.

Someone else could find your posts odd too.

OP has made her decision as she is entitled to, there is no need to have a bun fight.

Which was in your response to YOUR personal attack, which sadly wasn't deleted...

Yabvu, help your mum out fgs
The woman who raised you, by the sounds of it didnt abuse you, is a human being
Youre on a very high horse - so what, she was unhappy and had an affair. We all make mistakes, and shes admitted and been very fair about it. I hope you never screw up in your midlife honestly.

Just because you think the OP should throw away her morals and forgive her mother on YOUR assertion that she wasn't abusive and was obviously unhappy in her marriage (depsite the OP actually saying that her mother has admitted that her father did nothing wrong and was simply flattered by the attentions of another man), doesn't mean that the OP is on "a very high horse". It just means that she has some moral fibre and has several good reasons not to hand a large sum of money over.

I bet you wouldn't say that if it was the dad and not the mum who cheated. OP doesn't sound 'angry', at least, not irrationally so. She sounds clear headed.

Exactly. I think I've gone through the looking glass with some of these posts.

I wouldn’t OP I don’t think you would ever see that money again if you did, and especially with your relationship the way it is. Your mum seems similar to mine and I find it really hard to like her as a person, so I just stay away.

OP said that her mother actually tried to come back to her father, but he couldn't get over her betrayal, in which stance the OP rightly supports him. Also, the mum's boyfriend is married and shows no intention of leaving his wife. Mum has made her bed and now she must lie on it. I don't think the OP owes her a goddamn thing.

Rent arrears, not mortgage arrears. There is nothing to transfer.

She doesn't owe her anything but likewise the mother doesn't really owe the OP anything either. Relationships are two way, and if you choose to cut someone off, you can't guarantee that they'll still be there for you if you change your mind. It's a drastic decision to make.

Personally I wouldn't choose to be around an adult child who couldn't forgive and kept harping on about my 'immorality' as if my relationships were their business, but maybe that's just me. I'd just get on, own my mistakes and live my life.

That isnt a personal attack. Its frank and direct advice. The op is being judgemental of their mother, who they dont say abused them - based on something that can happen to any woman

I dont think that i am asking them to throw away their 'morals' - the op has stated clearly that their mum states she made a mistake

I think that your post is pretty aggressive really - if you post on aibu, you are going to get advice - which is what I gave which was - dont judge a mum for making a mistake - we're only human.

As for you, please calm down - maybe take a moral stance against singling out a poster for - whatever issue there is with me 😩.

How do you know OP would want her mother back in her life?

What do you mean 'something that can happen to any woman'? An affair isn't something that 'happens' to someone FGS. It's something that they choose to engage in. Would you say that about a cheating husband, that it 'happened to him' like the unfortunate Sir Norman Fry who keeps slipping and falling on inconveniently placed male appendeges!?

I agree definitely don’t lend her money. If she needs money tell her to go see her bank. If they won’t lend to her then recommend a debt advisor. Payplan are free and work nationally.

She might at some point. She might not. Few of us know exactly how life will pan out.

Exactly, particularly given that OP has said that she's seen her mum a whole 5 times in the last 5 years. Hardly close now.

I think, given your past posts about me, I would ask you not to engage with me.

I run the risk of being followed across the site with a changed name, but it is what it is.

I'm not that interested in you. I was engaging with what you said, not who was saying it. You're not that important.

I doubt that but please prove me wrong, thanks.

I think that simply describes the reality of having a child for women. It takes a tremendous amount of toll of all mothers. Whether or not women turn out to be rated ‘good’ mothers or ‘bad’ is partly down to their circumstances, for example, their env, education, support, where they’re living.

@LastMemory Your mother gave up work and now wants her child to bail her out of the financial mess she got herself into? Oh, hell to the "NO",
Tell her to go get a better job/2 jobs and stop sponging off others, or ask her affair partner for $$$$.

Edited to clarify the above and add: 9K? That's a lot of money. This is a problem of her making and not caused by "unforseen circumstances", so she needs to be responsible for fixing it.

I know she is your mother, but she is really out of line here.

Not your circus, not your clown car.