To not lend my mum money

[LastMemory]

My mum and dad split up 5 years ago as my mum had an affair. My dad was completely devastated. My mum apparently regretted it and they tried to save their relationship but after trying for about a year, my dad said he couldn’t get over it and they split up.

My relationship with my mum never really recovered. I hate cheating and my mum says my dad was a great husband, she just got flattered by the other man. She told me it was her biggest regret and cried a lot but I just couldn’t see her in the same light again. Sometimes I think I hate her.

I have recently found out that she has been seeing the man that she had an affair with again, for at least 18 months. She doesn’t know that I know.

My mum is struggling financially and has asked us to lend her money. Apparently she is facing losing her house. I have refused to give her the money because I feel so resentful of what she has done to our family and that she is now seeing this man again and I am ready to cut her out of my life completely.

AIBU?

I'm lovely and calm thank you, don't know about you? I am taking an issue with you as you are being very hypocritical and that rankles me. You are accusing the OP, others and myself as being aggressive and / or attacking you, however, don't you see that it has only been in response to what you have said first? And as you point out, this is AIBU and giving advice is to be expected. That goes for me as well as you.. Why are you allowed to give "frank & direct" advice, but others cannot challenge that?

The op is being judgemental of their mother, who they dont say abused them - based on something that can happen to any woman
Having an affair with a married man, whilst you are married yourself "can happen to any woman"? How? It wouldn't happen to me as I love my husband and take my marriage vows seriously and if I realised I was unhappy and wanted to end my marriage, I would do so before sleeping with another man and throwing my morals away and hurting my family.

I don't see that that has anything to do with the situation in the OP. OP's mother cheated on her father, tried to come back, was dumped, and then tried to guilt trip the OP saying she was her mother. I don't think it's nice to put on a guilt trip when faced with the consequence of your own actions. This has nothing to do with life being 'hard for mothers' given the OP is an adult and the mother's caregiving days are done.

It’s not a loan if she can’t or won’t pay you back.

Your posts towards me do seem laced with anger. Your anger is disproportional to the frank advice given in my first post.

You don't have to like my post, thats fine, but this is a bit much.

Maybe you could disengage now? Youve made your angry point.

Not shagging someone else isn’t being superhuman!

I would not lend any money. Make it a blanket policy that you don't ever lend money. You need your resources for your family and your life.

For the people saying you're being judgemental....Yes all humans are, every second we have life. It separates us rorm the lower animals and forms our personalitie, morals and world views. I'm Judgmental? Yes, water is wet.

So instead of paying her rent she went on multiple holidays???!!! Hell NO would I give her any money! She’s a grown adult she needs to grow up and behave like one!

I think this is what many posters are forgetting or ignoring. It's not like her mother got left with next to nothing and is scrambling for her next meal.

She got a pretty hearty divorce settlement and WASTED it all by quitting work and spending it on holidays and who-knows-what.
The mother has proven that she cannot be trusted financially, even leaving out the affair.

The mother needs to lie in the bed she made or get up, make it and take responsibility for being reckless with money. It's her problem to fix and no one else's.

@LastMemory I'm glad you are not lending her the money. Personally, I would stay just LC with her and not go NC, but I am not living your experience so I wish you the best,no matter what you end up doing.

OP has said a number of times that her mum wasn't unhappy with OP's dad. She was just flattered by the other man's attention.

Plus, the fact that OP's mum raised her and didn't abuse her is a very low bar for motherhood and doesn't give her carte blanche to expect OP to bail her out financially when her mum gave up work and went on a spending spree with her share of the marital assets after her divorce.

OP has said a number of times that her mum wasn't unhappy with OP's dad. She was just flattered by the other man's attention.

It's very arrogant to assume that you know what's going on in someone else's marriage when actually it's not always clear at the time even to the spouses involved.

I don't see how it's 'arrogant' to go by the mother's own words for what went wrong.

All those saying we don't know what goes on in a marriage and people have a right to have their needs met, we all make mistakes, hope you never make a mistake etc etc.
The fact is that anyone having an affair lies to everyone around them or make them complicit in their lies. The judgement on them is not about whether they have a right to get their needs met, or justification for the affair because of a poor relationship. That's not our business.
It's that they have to lie about where they are, lie about spending money, lie about not being available to the family, deny any accusations or suspicions. It becomes part of who they are and is part of the 'excitement' of the affair. So when it all comes out we realise how easily they lied to us so they could have an exciting time. It makes us feel foolish, hurt and let down and then angry. Why wouldn't you be angry that someone lied to you for months on end. The biggest reaction to finding out about an affair is a feeling of being taken for a fool.
So it's not 'nobody's perfect' 'you don't know the reasons for the affair', they aren't important. It's the realisation that one of your parents can lies for a prolonged period of time to you as an individual and to all those in your family, including your other parent, to ensure they get what they want.
That's the judgement.

I was simply interpreting a pp who said OP should have some compassion for her mother, because of what she went through to give birth to her.
I really don't know what the narrative about guilt tripping has to do with it. Pointing out that one's parents deserve some compassion is not exactly guilt tripping.
Another poster said that bringing up a child and staying in a long term relationship is not easy and no one is perfect. I do agree with this.

t'he fact that OP's mum raised her and didn't abuse her is a very low bar for motherhood'

Nevertheless it's a hurdle not everyone manages to cross.
Mothers have to sacrifice a lot to bring a child into the world and bring up a child.
It would be betterif we could acknowledge thus more openly.

You are the poster that has said on another thread they like to be on the side of the underdog. That must be draining.

Agree. it seems like people are so harsh on the mother when the most deadbeat dad gets a free pass

OP, I think you’re doing the right thing not lending the money and by cutting her out of your life. You’ve had time to think about your feelings over the last 5 years. Sometimes ‘even’ mothers do things that just don’t fit with our own morals and can not be got over. This didn’t ‘happen’ to her, as someone tried to say to justify and minimise. She did this. She has now lost a husband she admits was good and wanted to stay with, and 2 daughters. FAFO.

OP has said she hates cheating and would have felt the same if it was her dad. Her mother felt the same when it was OPs sister being cheated on by a man.

My dad cheated, very similar to OPs situation. I no longer speak to him. I hate cheating. My dad lied to me and my children so he could see his other woman. I couldn’t have someone around me that did that whether they’re a man or woman.

Can I just say I love your username!

I have no idea what you’re getting at. I can see you’re aiming at a bit of sarcasm. However, I can assure you I’m not drained by anything so please jog on.

That you actively try to be on the opposing persons side, the side that the minority side with, just for the sake of it as you said you ‘like’ to stick up for the underdog which implies even if you didn’t feel that person was right, you would do it anyway.

She sound financially irresponsible so giving her money would be stupid. She needs to get control of her finances. Asking you for that amount is really cheeky. All those saying to give it her make me 🙄. People are good at spending other peoples money.

If after 5 years you can’t forgive, I think you are better to have no contact. I wouldn’t forgive her either. I’m glad your dad is happy again and he sounds better off without her.

OP has said she would react the same if her dad cheated. My dad cheated and I cut him off. The lies he involved us all in made me sick. I couldn’t never have trusted him again.

**I couldn’t have trusted him again.