AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

Maybe the question should you be asking yourself might be
Would I rather be honest and voice my hurt, or would I rather go martyr-like to my grave and be a silent sufferer?
I imagine that the only way you can not let this "bother" you, as you said, is to tell yourself, Well, that's the way I brought my child up.
Assuming that you know for a fact that this child enjoys going out with you (as opposed to just enduring the obligation) - wait, does the child propose meeting up with you, or it's only if you propose it? Anyway, if you think the child enjoys seeing you, I think you can speak up - especially if you say it brashly with humor, as opposed to in an earnest, self-pitying way.

Yeah I was wondering the same. I was a lone parent so it’s always been just the two of us.

my mums not helped as I remember years ago now when dc was at uni , my mum also doesn’t drive, that I drove us all so we could spend a day together and paid for everything for all of us. I felt sad at the time as thry both thought it was ok for me to do everything. And it reminded me of a bad day out. years before that I had an awful day out with both of them when my child was about 13. I drove us all, paid for the day out which they were both rude about and ruined, took a picnic as I knew I couldn’t afford to pay for food too which they both refused to eat. Then my mum wandered off and bought herself and my DC an ice cream and said I didn’t need one as I could have the picnic food. It was an awful day and I was just trying to do nice things with both of them.

seen your updates yes same here when I have said I’m skint and can’t afford to pay we just don’t go. We no longer go out places as I can’t afford to pay. It’s all very sad. I have said how I feel over the years but it’s not sunk in.

are your parents difficult op? I’m LC with mine nowadays. I did everything I could to be the opposite of them both as I had a neglectful childhood. I keep wondering if that’s added to it. I’m not sure but I think you and I are both being treated the same.

I hate this attitude. Your parents are not a cash machine. It wouldn't kill you to take them out for the odd thing now and then, something within your budget. You just come across as entitled and cheap.

Ugh.

Why not just talk about it with your DC

I like that. It's the best advice so far. Because it's not critical at all, just focuses on the OP and her needs. Being treated to a coffee/cake is only one example and if said while out getting a coffee, it seems it was only used as an example because they're doing it there and then. Love this, hope OP follows this advice and gets the attention she deserves.

OP, please update us!

Next time you're out, ask for separate bills. Or just calculate your share and pay that. No need for a discussion if you don't want to have one. Or follow previous excellent advice to share what you'd like more of from family while you're around.

Dear OP, I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Your diagnosis seems to have heightened your sadness and resentment about it. I experience something similar with close family and also feel sad and resentful at times. It's a tough one and I can't pretend to have an easy answer. You're dealing with ingrained habits on both sides. That is to say, you are complicit in this.

Have your children ever seen another person making a huge fuss over you, treating you, buying you a lovely gift or taking you out to the cinema and drinks? Throwing a party for you? Sometimes single parents struggle along valiantly and never ask for or expect anything from their children. The children never view them as a person who needs support or a bit of TLC.

Does this DC pay for siblings or friends? Perhaps s/he is selfish as you've suggested. Or perhaps it's a lack of imagination. S/he might just need some encouragement and role modelling.

Regardless of cause, it's obviously really bugging you! You've been handed a lot of suggestions about dealing with this issue. Some advocate just accepting it. Others suggest you stop going out with this DC, pleading that you are skint. Others yet again suggest humorous banter and direct request.

Ultimately only YOU can decide whether you want to just accept the status quo and work with that: drop your resentment, continue to pay. Or just never eat out with this DC. OR do you want to say/do something about it?

If you choose to say something, it will need to be tailored to your own particular way. No good using crude banter or calling DC out for being tight if that's not the way you normally communicate.

Rather than feeling sad and resentful, perhaps express that you'd love a token of acknowledgement and how much a card and small gift would be appreciated on Mothers' Day. You ADORE peonies - a bunch on your birthday would bring you so much joy - could DC see the way to picking up some on the way over?

Sitting silently waiting has not worked... no good trying that one again.

Here are a few top-of-mind ideas.

Have a complicit friend or relative take you out for a birthday or Mothers' Day tea and pay for you. Ask DC to join you. Make sure complicit friend pays only for you, not for DC. DC witnesses another person treating you.
Your other child is seen by the tight DC giving you a present for your birthday, Mothers' Day or Xmas. In other words, some belated role modelling.

You state directly that you'll be happy to come out for tea and coffee AS LONG AS DC PAYS, as you are on a tight budget this month. Start with an inexpensive venue so that poor tight wad DC is not too shocked or put out.

Let DC know in advance of your birthday or Xmas that you'll be expecting a present. Broad hints might work: I'd love some perfume or a particular gadget. Or that bunch of flowers. Tell DC where it can be bought. In other words, help DC along.

Ask DC to pick up some cakes or pastries or take away on the way to yours for lunch, tea or dinner. DC PAYS. Effusive thanks from you.

In your own way, create scenarios which positively encourage mean DC to put hand in pocket. Speak up for yourself! And if and when DC does make the effort and does come through, show your appreciation clearly so that DC feels proud, rewarded for their effort and more likely to be more considerate in future.

Only you can do this. As the ad says: Cos you're worth it!

sorry you're going through heath problems op.

i have 2 sons, they.re both generous with presents for birthdays/Christmas. one lives at home so the paying outside of home isn't an issue as it doen't happen - I think if I said I'd like to go out for a coffee he'd pay if i asked, or if we were on holiday, he would offer, but might need to be prompted. I think it's hard to change the adult/parent relationship when adult children live at home. though when we suggest something he's generally ok with contributing but it doesn;t occur to him unless we bring it uo. eg we have a,n event at home and his friends are invited, older son lives away and regularly pays for teas/coffees/ food out or cooks for us when we visit. I think ir's a bit odd that your child who no longer lives at home thinks you should cover cost of food out all the time. Perhaps you need to have a converstion with them about it though for us not necessary with away from home child.

Where is this land where a coffee and a cake is a couple of quid

Local cafe was advertising coffee and cake for £10

I was thinking about this today and I think we've lost sight of teaching our children how to care about others and give to others.

I think quite a few of us have made everything children's centered where we do the giving and the children receive.

I remember some play time was making gifts for each other. They all seem to love doing that. For their siblings, grandparents, pets
They also learned how to feed and walk the dog which was a good experience in learning how to care for others

Op, you can work on this. ‘Sure, we can go out. Your shout I think, you’re an adult now and need to offer sometimes.’

Open your mouth and tell them your thoughts.

You’d open it for cake.

When did you last offer?

I do think that this is a theme with single mums. My partner gives me presents, looks after me and thanks me for stuff so the kids have that behaviour modelled to them. It would be easy to grow up thinking your mum is s special case and doesn't need to be looked after if you haven't ever seen thst she 'deserves' it.

Maybe have a chat with your child in those terms. There's less blame-giving then and you can express the extent of your hurt and your love. Link it with your diagnosis and fears because that is what you are feeling now and it will help them to understand you better.

Lots of love to you OP. Good luck with everything.

Iit’s not the money - it’s the care, the thought, the desire to treat you that’s important, it makes you feel valued not taken for granted. It doesn’t matter if your parents are well off, it’s absolutely lovely when your AC say no mum I’ll get these. Buying someone a drink is not about who’s better off. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I would feel as an adult not paying my share, even a small contribution and if not paying saying I wish I could pay and doing something else that’s nice to show your love and gratitude.
But there’s always been tight people who never stick their hand in their pockets, they are always the last ones to offer and even then it’s only even to cover their own. And for the parents who won’t accept their adult kids buying them a drink - there are other ways to spontaneously treat people if they won’t accept you paying a token amount - bring them flowers, chocolates etc you’d find a way if it mattered and your parents should matter.

So not necessarily a "couple" granted. But my local cafe does a small cake and a basic coffee for £5.

I would discuss the issue with them. I can’t see a reason not to tbh.

Definitely unwritten family rules are in place.
I loved treating my DM to lunch/coffee out. It just felt a natural thing to do when I was earning fairly well and she was on a pension. She’s spent years buying me things until I was 18.

She would refuse to let me pay and we’d have a battle at the till but I ususally trumped her. She was always super grateful.

However, I knew it also made her happy to treat me as I did quite a lot for her/care wise in her later years, so I’d give in occasionally.

She passed away recently and I will inherit a sum of money. It’s all irrelevant to me, I’d rather have her back here for a coffee/cake at Tesco cafe.

You could say, this one is on you! You could just forget it and enjoy their company

Ah that’s going to feel hurtful for sure.
It sounds op like you’re just not used to asking for what you need. That doing so equates to not being loving or dutiful enough somehow. And maybe now with your diagnosis your body and mind are waking up to the idea that you really do deserve love and care, especially from those you have given love and care to for so long.

It will feel difficult asking for what you need from your child and also it will feel horrible because being bought tea by them is the way you have identified that it means they care about you.

Interested to know if they show love and care to you in other ways? Like maybe they don’t show love with paying but they give a lot of affection or help you when you need things done around the house etc.?

Honestly I would love yourself hard and put yourself first now. That means being the very best advocate and friend to yourself. It means being truthful to yourself and your loved ones. If they don’t understand when you do that then help them understand through personal boundaries.

Sending lots of hugs!

Yeah we live somewhere quite rough, a fiver would do it around here haha.

I’m sorry OP but this is unreasonable. Someone tells you they are struggling to make ends meet and you still think they should pay for a coffee and cake they can’t afford?

Well I’ve had some time to reflect on some of these comments and I think that I have been too stoic. I never wanted a single person to think I was struggling. I don’t need a single thing from anyone, that’s not martyrdom, it’s years of me having little support and learning to do things for myself, so much so that now it would feel weird if anyone helped me. I’m still quite young so I wouldn’t need any help around the house or a lift anywhere (I can’t think of anything at all actually). But typing some of the responses have made me realise that this is a choice by my DC. I sometimes need to think k about how I feel because I’ve always felt like I’ve done something wrong and other people often help me realise I haven’t. One thing stood out to me, a couple of people have mentioned me saying I can’t afford to and I have a couple of times. On those occasions I felt bad for saying it but I should have been wondering why they don’t offer to get me a hot drink somewhere! They have to watch the pennies like most young people but not to the extent that they couldn’t have offered to get the drinks in once every few meet ups. They’re choosing not to, they have IL’s and friendships where I know this isn’t happening. So for whatever reason they feel comfortable letting me pay every time. They’ve seen me offer to get them when my Mum was around so they’ve certainly been around it. I think they’re just a person that I thought I raised well that wants to ask me for favours, knowing I never ask / asked for anything and are comfortable with never getting a drink in. It’s not the end of world so I’ll just get over it or say something but I’m disappointed in them and it taints how I feel.

What a well thought out comment 🙄