AIBU to feel snubbed not being invited to future SIL's hen do

[NewGoldFox]

Bil and future sil hen and stag dos are on the same day. My oh, mil and fil have been invited, I’ve not been.

AIBU to feel snubbed by this arrangement?

I have 5 SIL’s and was only invited to my brother’s wife hen do. We had only met about 7 times (it was a short engagement ) so I thought it was really nice of her. I’ve since become really good friends with a SIL on my husband’s side and we now holiday together, just the two of us. Fortunately I didn’t take offence when I didn’t get invited to her hen do.

oh that’s not nice at all.

Out of all the many hens I've attended, I don't think I've ever encountered the SIL-to-be of the bride, unless they were separately also quite good friends, and it doesn't sound as though you are. I mean, I know some people do invite female members of their fiancé's family to their hen, but I don't think it's the norm.

Shitty thing for BiL to say. But I don't think it justifies you deciding dh shouldn't be best man. Fair enough if dh decided to say no, or if you decided you didnt want to see bil again. But dont agree with you saying dh being best man is a step to far for you.

There's a 'jokey' way to call a 1 month old baby a bastard. Are you seriously for real. I don't think anyone would feel that's a joke if someone was to say that about their baby.

Out of all the many hens I've attended, I don't think I've ever encountered the SIL-to-be of the bride,

Quite. My DH didn't have SIL's then partner of many years at his stag do as in spite of knowing him for years they were not close and had no mutual friends. I didn't have SIL at my hen do as we were not close then, I only saw her every now and then. We are close and like sisters now.

I don’t think children at a stag or hen is appropriate…did you mean that OP?

I think Hen dos are generally friends of the bride…not sure if she sees more of MIL?

Id honestly not care. Hen parties bore me to tears

I can’t make sense of the best man role being a red line but allowing those same children to be taken out by BIL and fiancé.

Oh for gods sake calm done! Yes I am 'for real'!
When my son was a small baby he cried constantly, due to refux. My husband's friend once said 'noisy little bastard, isn't he'. I hated it it and was upset, but he had meant it to be in a jokey fashion. The supposed joke was a fail!
I asked the question as I thought it may have caused the bil to be a bit pissed off with the op, for not allowing his brother to be his best man and this could have had a knock on effect with the hen night invitation.

With kindness, events relating to the bride are not an appropriate time to ‘get to know you’.

You don’t know each other well. She wants to enjoy her hen with the people she knows well. Its honestly not that deep.

This. It's for having a good time with people you are very close to, not an 'extended family I don't know very well and never see outside of family events' one. It's not any kind of snub.

You sound very controlling telling your dh not be best man. We dont know the context his brother said it but even so you were happy for the kids to go out with them. Your the problem.

So years down the line to have forbidden your DH to be his bother's best man because years prior he called your child a bastard, pressumably as a terrible joke. My first was born prior to marriage too and I could have easily called her a bastard, as a joke. Not a good joke, admittedly, but unless he said it in an angry or derogatory way I would have let it go by now. It must be quite confusing for them that his brother isn't allowed to be his best man.

Because I’m not going to stand in the way of my children’s relationship with their uncle, if he was being unkind to them then I would step in.
I’m also not willing to be happy about my husband being the best man to someone who was abhorrently rude to me on my wedding day, there are limits to what I can accept in good humour.
It wasn’t a bad joke it was intended to be nasty.
To be honest I was shocked my husband had considered it as I would never do so if the roles were reversed. I’ve put up with a lot from this family so was not sure if this latest development was a slight or normal.

It’s been really lovely to hear all the different viewpoints and has left me feeling better that a lot of people in my shoes haven’t been invited and wouldn’t expect to be, so thank you to everyone who’s shared their experiences.

But why have you barred your DH from being his brother's best man because of his brother's behaviour, but you let his brotber and wife to be take your children out despite his brother's behaviour?

It's this conflicting reaction to your BIL I am confused by: if he isn't allowed to have your dh be an essential part of his wedding as he.was deliberatly nasty to you, why is he allowed access to your children when he was, through your dc, deliberatly nasty to you?

Are you punishing ypur? dh in part for not standing up for you?. If you still dislike BIL or distrust him I'd be rethinking him spending time with your children!

This.

But that makes even less sense. You are not going to stand in the way of your children having a relationship with your BIL, but you don't want your DH to have one? Are you more protective of your DH than your children? Even though it was one of your children who was the target for the comment that you haven't got over?

With all the additional info you have shared I am thinking that this may be the start of many snubs against you.
they’ll use the excuse that you’re needed for childcare.
im assuming this is the only event you have been excluded from so far? (I mean where all other adult family members have been invited)?

You don’t know her well. She’s probably only invited her mates.

You are still not making sense as others have pointed out.
You don't want your husband to be best man for your BIL for a few hours on just one day.
YET you allow same BIL take the child out because of free vouchers. The child he deliberately called a bastard! You want your child to have a relationship with him? I don't understand how you can think this is acceptable. You don't know what is happening with your children when they are with him or what he is saying to them.

I had some sympathy for you initially but saying you want the child to have a relationship with him is baffling. No way would anyone who called my child a bastard be allowed anywhere near them. I think there is a lot more to this given your comment that you have put up with a lot from the family.

Your husband is old enough to protect and look after himself, your children are not. Let him fight his own battles without your interference. Protect your children.

Yeah, none of this makes sense.
you’re annoyed you’re not invited to the hen do
you've told your DH he cannot be his brother’s best man because of something that happened years ago, that you’ve never brought up with the brother but you let the brother and his future wife take your children out without you?

why would you even want to be invited to the hen party of a bride you don’t know well is just the tiny part of this mess that’s been created years ago and never dealt with

Your post is quite contradictory, your BIL intended to be nasty to your child (and also you) but you're not going to stand in the way of your children’s relationship with their uncle... Please make this make sense! He has treated your child and you unkindly, so much so that you've made your husband (who sounds like a wet lettuce BTW) to decline the invitation of being best man, BUT you still let him take the kids out on day trips??? It sounds like you're very controlling!

Why do people here take enjoyment from trying to rile people into declaring blood feuds over the smallest thing?

I wouldn’t expect to be invited in the context of the relationship you currently have with your SIL. If you want to get closer to her, as you mentioned above that was a reason why she might invite you, you should ask her out one to one. You don’t need to host or make it a family event - so pet irrelevant.

I don’t identify with the level of hurt you seem to feel re not being included her and i’ll be honest find it a little unusual, are you otherwise sensitive to being left out by friends and family from things? Im sorry you feel like this but I think this isn’t something I’d take to heart, it’s just not worth sweating over - but then I always prefer to hang out with my friends than my DH’s relations who i’m not close to! I’d arrange a babysitter and go out with your mates 💃