Is my dad being unreasonable?

[AnimalChaos]

My dad gives all his grandchildren a lump sum on their 25th birthday. The grandchildren are all in their twenties so have either received it already or will receive it very soon.

My sister has 2 children who have both received it. She also has 2 step children, one has just turned 25 and one is 23. She has been their step mum since they were 10 and 8.

My dad did not give her stepchild child the lump sum for his 25th birthday and my sister has fallen out with him over it. She thinks he is unreasonable for not giving her step children the same. My dad’s reasoning is that he wants his money to go to his biological grandchildren.

Would you say my dad being unreasonable? My sister wants me, our brother and all of our children to tell our dad he should give her stepchildren the same lump sum. I’ve said I sympathise but we can’t tell him how to spend his money and it’s a shame to fall out over it.

My brother has 2 children and a stepchild who is 22. He has said it’s up to our dad what he does with his money. He’s been his step dad since he was 13.

I have 2 children and no step children.

I agree with this.
It isn’t unfair, it’s just normal to want to pass on money to your grandchildren. With step grandchildren any relationship with them might cease if your child got divorced from their parent. Grandchildren are always going to be related to you.

Sister is totally unreasonable

He is not being unreasonable.

No, as in I agree,it's not blood that makes family.
Sorry, was typing as I'd speak. I missed out 'no, it's not blood that makes family'. :-) My bad.

Even the amount of £75k seems quite specific to me. I'd have guessed that many in that position might have gone for £50k, and those who were absolutely loaded would probably 'round it up' to £100k; but £75k sounds to me like the highest amount that was decided as achievable for all each of the GC, based on the number that there were.

She can care about her step children
Her father is under no obligation to do so -and they are adults. Life isn’t always ‘fair’.
They may have been ‘members of the (sisters) family for many years -but that does not make them entitled to share in money of their father’s wife’s fathers!
Realistically -how much time will ‘grandad have spent with them? He didn’t know them on their formative yrs when their dad was married to their mum. He was an utter stranger to them.
It’s utterly ridiculous then entitlement people have over
a) other people’s money
b) expecting parity when it comes to step children.
They aren’t equal -so why pretend!

So OP's sister thinks that the step-grandchildren should be treated equally to the biological GC yet she has made no insistence that those step-GC treat him like the other GC and call him Grandpa. A silly thing I know but a double-standard none the less. It's always when money is involved that this blending family issue rears its ugly face. As pp have correctly said, if sister split from the step-children's father, OPs family would probably never hear from them again.

It’s tricky. It they had been in his life since a young age (like toddler/ young child) and lived mostly or entirely with dad and has a pretty identical relationship to him I’d say it seems mean (but still his choice) if he met them older or spent little time with them it seems less unfair

I know it's his money and he can do what he wants with it.

But I can't understand families where everyone isn't just family. We've got step-relatives, half-relatives and adopted relatives in my family. But everyone is treated as equal. We welcome and embrace whole heartedly and I find it so sad that others don't.

But there is only so much money to go round presumably so why would a step child who may have had only been on the scene a couple of years be written into the Will? And if someone marries several times, each time to people with children, what then?

The actual children get a smaller share and people who aren’t family get it.

Adoption is different because adopted children are legally part of the family but step or half siblings are just that. You could have a half sibling with whom you share a father but not actually grow up with them

I mean it’s great for the step siblings particularly but you can’t be surprised that not everyone wants to give their money to random kids

They're not random kids. They're his step grandchildren, who've been in his life over a decade.

And yes, to me it would be better to give smaller amounts than to have a 2 tier system that excludes.

They already know they're not his grandchildren.

Your dad has done the right thing. Your sister is grabby.

So if I've understood it properly, they don't call him Grandad, because they all know that he isn't their grandad; but when it comes to him giving generous monetary gifts to his grandchildren, that includes them? Got it........

They know they aren't his grandchildren, they don't call him granddad. This is not news to them.

£75k is a massive amount of money. It's not bunging someone £50 at Christmas. Of course the OP's father reserves that kind of gift to his actual grandchildren.

But presumably your sister’s stepchildren have 2 sets of grandparents themselves who may or may not give monetary gifts or an inheritance. Would we expect those grandparents to include their DGCs half siblings?

Your sister could have brought this up many years ago, if everyone in family knew kids are getting money at 25, discussions around step families are difficult, but if it's important to her , she should have started a conversation a long time ago, just expecting £150k without talking about it is weird. As pp have said, she hasn't adopted them, as they have a mother already and family on that side, who could leave inheritance to them.
They don't call him grandad, has he been to their school plays? graduations? Had visits with their significant others? as in, treated the man like a grandparent? Calling someone a few times a year isn't really cutting it is it? Actually turning up, doing little jobs, showing how technology can help them is behaviour of an involved grandchild, photos of holidays and high days in frames, family stuff.
I imagine they probably have a version of that with their actual (poorer?) grandparents though, which is just like the majority of us.
Even if they have with him, it's still his choice rightly or wrongly.
Sister needs to manage her expectations, she's wanting a family group to bully her parent into something he doesn't want to do. If I were him I would have concerns around what else she feels "the family" could bully him into money wise the older he gets.

But there is only so much money to go round presumably so why would a step child who may have had only been on the scene a couple of years be written into the Will?

There's no need to presume, OP has said in one of her posts that he has the money to give them, he just doesn't want to give outside his bloodline, and the step children have been in his life for 15 years..

There is also no will.. this is about cash gifts when the children turn 25.

Have you even read OPs posts?

Giving smaller amounts is the very definition of a 2-tier system. If he gives his bio GC £75K, anything less than that is establishing a 2-tier system - whether he gave them £100, £50K or any other amount.

And if he gave them £10k, or £25K, or £50K each, what's the betting that they (and OP's sister) wouldn't be immensely grateful at his huge generosity, when they aren't even his actual GC, but they would be complaining about how 'unfair' he was in not giving them 'their full entitlement'?

Yes thank you . I was replying to the person saying that all children have equal status in her family so I was discussing that and wondering how it would work in that person’s family.

That any clearer for you?

Yeah, it’s so weird. The ‘treat them the same’ people allow no room for nuance. They are adamant DSC must get the same.

Yet real life is more complicated and differing options are ok.

A grand-parent wants to give equal money to his bio grandchildren and step-grandchildren? ✅

A grand-parent wants to only give money to his bio-children? Also ✅

It’s like this in my family too but I imagine it’s a lot easier when the grandparents don’t have hundreds of thousands of pounds that they want to give to their grandchildren.

Also - if this poster meant smaller amounts for all, you can't preemptively reduce the amount so it's fair. With 3 adult children you have the potential to end up with say 2 children and 2 stepchildren per household and what if one of them only gets remarried after 4 or 5 of the others have had the full 75k?

Exactly this.