Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Honestly, what am I doing wrong? Always the ones crying and screaming when we leave. I give them count downs etc, I try to be patient and calm but they are always crying when it's time to go home and I honestly can't take it anymore. My 7 year old has always been like this, it just honestly has ground me down so much over the years. I dread going to them. What am I actually doing wrong because all the other kids seem to handle it fine? I know that the other kids have their off days but mine seem to have an off day every single bloody party.

Ah I live in Switzerland and I can just buy melatonin at the French supermarket. It's next to the gummy vitamins etc. Not a big deal over here at all and you can just try and see if it works. Don't know why the UK makes such a fuss??

Also just thinking about the transitions thing, she almost always let's out a scream and cries when she has to come in from playing in the garden, if we have to leave the house quickly, if she has to stop playing her make believe game for any reason such as to eat or because DS needs to take a break, to stop for bath and bed, basically anything before she is ready, she let's out a scream and then cries. The make believe games are so intense and she would play them continuously if she could. She asks x4748484 times if we will be late for school every morning (we have never been late for school and hardly ever are rushing along the road). She is either an absolute breeze to parent or it's like dragging her through the swamps of sadness. I don't know if this is normal or if not.

Because I live in a community where the parties are family based and it is not an option. I follow through with everything else but it still has not made a difference to her outbursts in other areas of her life such having to come in from the garden or having to leave swimming lessons or having to stop playing. I am continuous with how I parent but there also needs to be leeway in certain social situations.

I also don't believe she is doing it because she is not getting what she wants. I think there is more to it than that.

In response to the suggestion about saying she won’t be allowed to go to parties if she doesn’t change her behaviour you said you had tried everything? So you haven’t?

With the transitions, how much uninterrupted down time is she getting on a regular basis? For completely free unstructured play, without people asking questions, directing to chores, snacks, or need to go to school, hobbies, events? Or the next 'thing' that needs to be done looking.

I ask because there's a huge correlation for my sensitive soul child's transition based melt downs and their free play time. I have a more introverted DC, and they absolutely need more time to decompress than I or their extroverted sibling does.

Difficulty with transitions is a massive indicator of autism and ADHD.
My friend is AuDHD and she is exactly the same - struggles with all transitions.

Too much sugar? Do they not get invited to many so can’t bear for it to end? As others have suggested neurodiversity eg ASD often presents itself as frustration at changes in plans/routine or a nice experience ending.

Lots of countdown warnings are how we do it here, and waiting to leave until others are leaving too.

Pda involves responding badly to demands. Ending something is classic for a meltdown - it helps to see it as a panic attack rather than a tantrum.

I usually give her a snack when she gets home from school/some TV if she wants it then usually 1-1.5 hours of play before dinner. She struggles to stop playing her make believe games.

What do you do in that situation though?

really agree about looking into the sensory processing side of things.

also schools tend to not be supportive of diagnosis when they are not affected by the child’s needs/ traits!

all autistic people are different theyre not all the same!

Yeah, there are a lot of kids in her class who have additional needs and as I said DD is very well behaved and likes to do the school work so I think they don't pay too much attention to her. I don't think she shows these things I have mentioned in school.

You use PDA strategies. You give options rather than make a direct demand eg "would you like to carry your party bag to the car or let me hold it" rather than "come here now". You understand it's part of a demand avoidance profile and you scaffolding her rather than seeing her as a brat who needs to wise up/have a consequence.

I have no idea if she is ND or what kind it could be.

But you can look at techniques that help with ND kids - they will not hurt a NT child.

Google AI comes up with:

Before the Party - remind them if they know the veune or look up location pics on line and who they will know there. Have an exit plan before leave for party s etablish exactly how and when you will leave. For some children, attending just the last 30–45 minutes of a party is a huge win because everyone leaves at the same time, removing the FOMO have a sensory kit prepare a bag with noise-canceling headphones, a favorite comfort toy, a familiar snack, and a preferred low-demand activity (like a tablet or fidgets).

At the party because countdowns alone (like "5 minutes left!") can actually trigger anxiety, focus on concrete sequences -

StrategyHow it HelpsActionable Example
Sequence Over Time
Focuses on events rather than an abstract concept of time.
"First we will have cake, then we get the party bag, and then we walk to the car."
Visual Timers
Allows them to visually track the remaining time without guessing.
Use a visual countdown app or a time timer where the red disc disappears as time elapses.
Micro-Resets
Lowers nervous system arousal before making a big move.
Ten minutes before leaving, step into a quiet zone or outside for a juice box and a tight hug.
Transitional Objects
Bridges the gap between the fun environment and the boring car ride.
"You can carry your new party bag/toy all the way into the car and hold it on your lap."

After the Party: Decompression

• The "Sensory Hangover": Recognize that your child has likely been "masking" or holding it together in a high-stimulus environment. A meltdown in the car or right when you get home is a sign of decompression, not bad behavior.
• Schedule Cushioning Time: Do not book back-to-back activities. Block out a few hours post-party for low-demand, quiet activities like sensory play, a dark room, or their favorite screen time to let their nervous system reset

Some of those I was doing for my DC automatcially and some were not needed.

Time blindness is also a thing with ND - but with young kids generally so if you remind they you are leaving in 10 minutes and then at 5 and 4 - rather than counting down I found those reminders were helpful rather than actual count downs.

That's because she's masking at school.

Meltdowns are reserved for home - not school.

I am wondering whether the children are behaving like this because at the moment… family life is quite sad and fraught?

What are things like between you and your husband?

She has been like this even before her DGP died (this year). I have not allowed myself to think of things when the kids are around and I'm too busy anyway. We have fun together and there are still a lot of moments of joy even though it has been shit. DH and I have been working together and supporting eachother.

You sound like you're trying really hard, please don't blame yourself! Please don't feel like its only your child - you don't see what goes on in other homes (i know this particular behaviour happens in public, but still). Some kids are just more sensitive.

I find it odd that some PP have advised not trying parenting techniques for ND children because you could get overwhelmed. You sound overwhelmed already and surely it would be easier to try some proven techniques than continue with her being upset and you being upset? You don't have to try everything, just those things to do with emotional regulation and transistions - because she has problems with those, whether these are caused by ND or not.

Talking to children about feelings and emotional regulation is useful for all kids, not just ND ones. Helping to identify feelings by how they feel in the body, using a feeling wheel to identify feelings or a volcano to talk about intensity etc is the first step to helping them understand their needs and get them met.

Once she understands what she is feeling, you can help her identify what she needs to feel better. Then you can be partners in helping her feel more regulated so she doesn't feel the need to cry. Its a skill that most adults could benefit from. Its really not something difficult that only parents of ND children need to do.

Honestly the comments about punishing a dysregulated 7 year old are heart breaking. Nobody enjoys being upset and crying. She's not being naughty! Kids and adults generally behave as well as they have the skills to. Would any adult who is upset enough to cry respond well to threats and telling off? I doubt it. It really would be pouring petrol on the fire.

I think a degree of resistance to change is normal with young children. My son didn’t want to leave the house to go to the park and once there didn’t want to come home again. I just accepted that was him and didntget upset myself and just got on with transitions as quickly as possible. No countdowns as that just prolonged the « we have to go » emotions and made things worse not better. I don’t think letting your daughter have a prolonged tantrum in front of others especially if it’s someone else’s special occasion is fair on them and I would be removing her from other people and the situation as soon as she starts up.

Funnily enough my NT child (dd) was much worse with this than my ND one - (DS) she was always upset at the end of plaster, parties etc, whereas he was usually happy to leave as a young child the age of yours.

She then became fine as an older primary aged child and is now a very well balanced 17 yo!

The buddying up idea sounds good - travelling back with another family so it’s not a stark change from being with everyone to no one. TBH my DS quite likes that when we go somewhere now, having someone to walk in and leave with, although he was fine when he was small.

Could you have a little chat beforehand about how they’re a big boy/girl now and need to leave when you say so without a big performance?

You could either offer a reward for doing so, or say they won’t be allowed to go to another party if they act up when leaving this one. (The latter will probably be most effective.) Then if they do act up you’ll have to go through with the consequence and next time there’s a party not let them go though and remind them why…

It does seem cruel but this is the way we were brought up and it worked.

God knows. Seems many counties you ca. easily get it

but not UK

My son is like this op - in fact in the mornings before school it's easier for him to have the telly on because A, it helps with timings (episodes have the same run time and a definitive end) and B, he'll turn the telly off easily after an episode, but has always struggled to stop a game, as there's basically no end point because he'd do it all day if he could 🤦

Does she do Lego or Playmobil type games? We've found saying "ok finish that part of the set up, then it's time to get dressed" or "ok do the bit where they go inside the house, then pause for tea and you can carry on after" - that has really helped but does mean we have to keep track of it all and be very specific!

My oldest, when she was about 3/4 started getting upset, with the 2nd only 12 months younger, she would replicate some of the behaviour.

I would just focus on the older one, with younger one in tow, and ask her if she was sad to go, because being sad is so ok and she can say that she is sad to leave and is really looking forward to the next one already. And if she isn't sad and parties make her very upset, we don't need to come to one again. After that chat, maybe twice, they both would come to me and say that they are super sad, I would reassure being sad is ok, give them a hug and ask them to let the parents of the party know how great the party is and they are sad it's over and can't wait for the next one. For me, that worked. Every kid is different though.