Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Honestly, what am I doing wrong? Always the ones crying and screaming when we leave. I give them count downs etc, I try to be patient and calm but they are always crying when it's time to go home and I honestly can't take it anymore. My 7 year old has always been like this, it just honestly has ground me down so much over the years. I dread going to them. What am I actually doing wrong because all the other kids seem to handle it fine? I know that the other kids have their off days but mine seem to have an off day every single bloody party.

why don't you just leave the party towards the end so you don't have to drag your children home while others are still having fun? it would be quite easy to adjust. It sounds like you are very rigid and just want to make a point that they have to follow your schedule because you want them to be like other children you observe. Others have already told you that part of the issue may be that your children are more sensitive or find it harder to adjust to change than others. This is probably part of the issue. The other part is probably that you are quite concerned with what others think of your parenting or that you take your children's behaviour as a measure of your parenting, hence you get unnecessarily disappointed or upset if they are not acting in the way you think they should. You may be having many unnecessary arguments with them about tiny things because you want them to do things in a certain way.

There are battles you pick when it comes to behaviour, of course they can't misbehave, but in the case you mention, I don't see why you can't just leave later if your children are having fun. I have always observed parents triggering completely unnecessary meltdowns on playgrounds when their children were behaving well and playing very nicely and the parent would say "it's time for dinner" or "daddy is waiting at home" and they would drag a happy child from the playground instead of just giving them another 15min to get tired or hungry themselves. One of my children has massive FOMO and we just always stayed until their friends were leaving as well. I often just coordinated with the other parents and suggested "let's all leave at this time so it is easier for all of us". It does not have to be a big battle.

Shes waking up very early and if shes not also going to sleep early she wont be getting enough sleep at age 7.
Quite often not being able to get to sleep and waking up early (before 6am) are signs of chronic overtiredness.

Id be doing everything you can to get her to sleep more as I'd bet its at least a part of the issue.

Shes probably fine at school because she can get through the main part of the day on the sleep shes getting but the tiredness is kicking in at 4.30/5pm.

Often body clock is partly determined by mealtimes - does she eat dinner quite late for her age, eg 6pm or later? Try giving her dinner at 5.30pm. Often you can't get to sleep if its too soon after a meal.

But actually it sounds like you havent actually had her miss a party?

It sounds a bit like you sort of want to do the right thing but not enough.

You really need to follow through and have her skip a party due to her behaviour leaving the last one, its the only way she'll see a real consequence.

Playdates and outings are different.

Sugar.
Your 7yo is old enough to know that if they aren’t polite at a party they won’t be going to another one. Pick them up at the actual end aswell so they’re not feeling like they’re leaving whilst others are still there.

Thank you. Both mine are AuDHD and neither had did this. I suspect there are other reasons it began and then, because OP was telegraphing her own stress and anxiety, that a negative behaviour cycle was established. Perhaps another family member could try dropping and picking them up to see if this changes tgings?

Also @Coldcoffeekindamorning for the sleep - try the calm collective on Spotify, there is a good one ‘breathe a rainbow’ I think it’s called xx

Can’t stop thinking and can’t get to sleep was my dd. She is diagnosed ADHD.

Not every kid is ND. Some are just badly behaved brats.

@Coldcoffeekindamorning ask for a meeting with the head and raise your concerns . The school nurse can support you too. Give it a couple of years and the school be noticing too when it effects her schooling . I’d bet she is masking .

When DD was small she'd get hyper on certain food additives and high sugar foods. When the crash came, it was spectacular. I'd look into the kind of foods that are on offer.

My youngest (ND) struggles with transitioning from activity to another at the best of times. Leaving a party has always been one of the hardest ones for him so I feel your pain.

Don't put too much focus on what she is saying about hating home, she is most likely just firing off whatever her brain thinks might get you to leave her alone in the moment.

You could try a transitional object, something you give to her at the end of a party but that she can't open until she has left the venue/got in the car (if applicable). For DS, party bags actually work really well as he's always really excited to see inside. We don't let him peek until he is in the car. But a snack or just one of her toys hidden in a bag could work well.

and FWIW after a couple of hours at a class party, being plonked in front of the TV and ignored for half an hour is pretty much exactly what DS needs in order to reset!

I was just thinking this, I knew the first thing would be "they're obviously ND" because any remotely challenging behaviour is automatically put down to that on here. I say that as the parent of an (officially diagnosed) autistic 6 year old.

We've had some issues with parties at first, mostly at the start with the noise/chaos but we have strategies we've used and he's been fine for ages now.

Some (NT and ND) find different bits trickier - settling in, the food, the more structured bits, the chaotic bits, leaving, it's not necessarily because they're ND, they're young kids figuring things out.

@Coldcoffeekindamorning I agree with an above poster about trying to buddy up with a friend and leave together maybe? Or say ok we'll stay and you can help put all the rubbish in the bins (half joking, obviously!)🤷🤣

I've not really heard of this before but she can get very emotional after school and seems exhausted.

But I don't think she is misbehaving, she is generally a really good girl and does try her best to behave. I am not a soft parent and I do follow through with consequences. I think she actually is struggling with the transition of leaving now and she gets stuck in her emotional state. I don't know what to do about that and I dont think your advice will help in this circumstance.

Conversely both my kids are ND but didn't do this? OP have you asked them why?

Sit them down for a chat when everyone is calm and ask them. Also ask what can be for them to stay calm the next time.

What if you wait until the very end? So she’s not ‘leaving the party’, the party has ended.

the stage of big whole class parties is short. She’ll be into small groups doing activities very soon, so maybe the problem will solve itself.

but how do her friends react when she tantrums? Is she at risk of becoming seen as the babyish one who they find difficult to be around when she gets hyped up, or doesn’t get what she wants? That might be a reason to go to fewer parties now and focus more on one-to-one and small group friendships, to help her transition successfully to the next stage, socially.

When she gets upset at home I used to send her to her room (and stay upstairs with the door open) for her to calm down and she would stay livid for ages. One day I just made a switch where I took her into my bed and lay down and cuddled her and wouldn't let either of us talk until she had calmed down and then I was able to talk to her about it and she snapped out of it so quickly. I can't do that when leaving parties/play dates though and need another technique to help her.

Do you have advice on where to look into this?

Thank you but this doesn't work with her. The threats of consequences just make her more stressed and then leaving is worse.

Schools are generally not interested in children who aren't causing them any problems. Girls often mask extremely well. Often their behaviour is misunderstood. They don't present the same as boys and so they fly under the radar - often things unravel at secondary school or when they go to university.

I would suggest you look into asd in girls in more detail and for starters get her assessed by a sensory integration therapist.

I have autism myself and yes, authoritative and consistent parenting is the correct approach to autism in children. They, more than children without autism, need their parents to follow the Govern, Garden, Guide model of raising children to prepare them for independent life and the expectations of society.

I mean I think you're right on my behalf but I also think that DD would stay and never come home if she could especially if it's a party at someone else's house!

I've been trying to get her to sleep more for 7 years now! Sleep begets sleep after all! If you have any magical ways please do tell me!

She has a snack after school and then dinner around 5.30pm.

And not every ND kids behaves like this - mine didn’t, I didn’t, my sisters didn’t.

Fed up with the automatic reaction to poor child behaviour and parenting failure (and all parents make mistakes, myself included, so no judgement just acceptance) resulting in the automatic: ‘they must be ND’!!

You understand children's parties are for a fixed duration. It is very rude to leave the party before the end (unless ill etc) ? You dont just drop in and out as you feel fit!
Parents will comnent on it and it will filter back via their children to your dc at school-especially the older one!

Good luck