Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Honestly, what am I doing wrong? Always the ones crying and screaming when we leave. I give them count downs etc, I try to be patient and calm but they are always crying when it's time to go home and I honestly can't take it anymore. My 7 year old has always been like this, it just honestly has ground me down so much over the years. I dread going to them. What am I actually doing wrong because all the other kids seem to handle it fine? I know that the other kids have their off days but mine seem to have an off day every single bloody party.

Are you happy @Coldcoffeekindamorning ?

Do you stay at all parties. Can you drop off and go esp at 7. Then return at end and when she sees other children leave

or can you take a friend home for another mum so collect daughter and friend

sound alike she has fomo plus prob overtired in general

Fgs ! Not every behaviour needs a diagnosis from Dr Google .

My ND kids are like this.
one diagnosed with Autism. One not assessed.
Leaving Parties used to be awful.
as soon as they were strapped in the car they were fine and excited to look in their party bags.
it was just always the ending and it was always busy at that point.

It used to happen a lot for things like after swimming lessons but the more we've done it the more she is able to cope so that's why I am hesitant to stop her going to parties. If she doesn't practise then she won't learn how to cope right? I think the problem yesterday was I was also not able to cope!

DH and I constantly talk about if we should speak to the GP but we have had such a terrible experience with our GP (they ignored a continuous cough with me for months and then i ended up in hospital with 80% oxygen levels is one example and then i have a bit of PTSD when DD was a baby and my HV/GP basically told me I couldn't cope rather than DD having reflux). I do worry if I am just not coping or if DD is more tricky than the average child or if there is something else that she/we need help with.

I have a 4 year old DS and he is so easy in comparison. He has his moments of upset but can cope a lot better in day to day things and can calm down much much faster and is generally a happier child.

I'm honestly not sure tbh. She's either fantastic or getting upset over the tiniest things and I really struggle with the jekyll and hyde. She has a lot of things where I think maybe it might be ND and i have braoched it with the school but no one is bothered. She behaves really well in school and is bright and clever. She gets very upset about her shoes, her socks, being late, she takes ages to go to sleep and then wakes up super early then is tired and can't cope, again floods of tears.

That says ND far more than the party thing TBH - ADHD and sleep issues are a very common issue. Schools always said they were fine or were uninterested and GP just stuck them on endless waiting lists - uni been where they got near diagonsis.

I have one terrible with transitions - even now leaving for uni - but parties weren't that bad - we were never first to leave and he was warned a lot and given count downs which for him worked and what was happening next was gone through.

Had more issue with DD1 clinging and not wanting to be left - she was slow to warm up.

Leaving local parks was harder - play groups and schools had activities before hand but parkes they'd want food drink loos but also not to leave.

Never even thought of this, thanks!

really unhelpful comment about something you obviously don’t know anything about. Transitions are very hard for some Nd people, even worse when they are having fun.

we’ve had horrendous problems with ‘ending fun’ like this, and making the transition to normal life, so I can totally relate OP. ( diagnosed autism )

She just seems to cry soooo much more than all the other little girls I see...

The his reminds me of my niece SO much! Bless her heart, she is very sweet, kind and caring, VERY responsible and respectful. But when she has to leave her cousins, a party, a day out, anything where she’s having fun, she gets very emotional. She’s not ND and doesn’t struggle generally (a bit silly sometimes perhaps!) but she’s sensitive and feels it very deeply when the fun stops.

It used to happen a lot for things like after swimming lessons but the more we've done it the more she is able to cope so that's why I am hesitant to stop her going to parties.

Most of the swiming teachers here had wind downs or phrases indicating end of lesson - then there a list of actviities they have to do before leaving building - like school or groups there's lots of cues that there a change of activity coming up - which DS learnt to expect.

That all makes it easier - harder when I was one doing in in a sitaution perhaps not exactly routine. He wasn't my eldest so perhaps saw more phrases and behaviors round leaving parties - maybe that helped.

Yes, if need be I do tell her off. I am not a soft mum by any means but I also have come to realise that when she is in the depths of her emotions then this is not the right call for her. As much as I wish that would work, it doesn't and makes her a lot more stressed. She does get upset with herself for not being able to stop.

Sounds like she has the 'tism combined with ADHD.
She needs to be assessed.

You're going to get a 1000 replies saying you have ND children, but highly sensitive children can be NT too.

Personally, I bribe mine. Jellies in the car, visit from nana after, watching their favourite movie when we get home.

I thank the parents before I call my DC over so we're ready to go as soon as I give final warning. If there's a party bag, I leave as soon as it's handed over and only allow them to open in the car as a reward.

I also set us up for success before going. High protein, high fat snack so their blood sugar is stabilised before the party food. Talk through expectations in the car, let them know how I would like them to behave, and what will be the consequences of misbehaving. Let them know they can ask to leave early if they're not having a good time too.

And then a lot of it is luck! How they're feeling on the day, how nice their friends were to them, how many sweets they scoffed down. We've all been there, I don't think any parents judge the leaving meltdowns.

Op are you happy? Do they see you upbeat and happy and chat with friends and in a social environment? And their dad?

I am stressed that I am not doing a good enough job to help DD.

I have also had a difficult couple of years and have had been to 7 funerals in the past 4 years. That sounds unbelievable when I type it out but I have had 4 friends die suddenly (all under 40), 2 family members and a student of mine. I am trying my best to be happy but I have not had time to process all of this so in the moments when it's hard with DD it is hard for me to cope. DD only knows that DGP has died and we are working through that but her behaviour predates that.

A lot of parties are family events in our community. Those are the hardest but they are unavoidable really.

Yeah, I find it really astounding that this is the standard response to a lot of behavioural problems for kids, well anyone these days.

When every meltdown, every preference, every quirk, every social mismatch is framed as ND, it:

• waters down the meaning of neurodivergence,
• creates noise that drowns out people with genuine needs,
• turns personality differences into pathology,
• and encourages parents to outsource boundaries to diagnoses.

It’s not helpful for ND people, and it’s not helpful for NT kids either. It also creates a culture where:

• normal developmental phases get medicalised,
• parents feel pressured to pursue diagnoses,
• and ND becomes a blanket explanation for everything from tantrums to shyness.

There’s a huge space between “totally neurotypical” and “clinically neurodivergent” and that middle ground is called being human. Kids vary. Kids struggle. Kids grow. Kids clash with their environment. Kids have preferences, sensitivities, temperaments, and phases. Not everything needs a label. But yes, I hear the OPs frustration and its normal.

When I was a kid, my brother had to be dragged screaming and kicking to events as he preferred 1:1, I had to be dragged out of gatherings in a mega sulk because I didn't want to leave. My sister sat in the middle, not bothered either way as she was a bookworm and she could read anywhere. Try taking that book off her and it was an altogether different story.

Same parents, same parenting, just kids with different personalities and needs. Interventions or boundaries that worked for one of us, didn't work for the others. That is the pain of parenthood.

ND shouldn’t be the first assumption. It should be one of many possibilities after all others have been discounted unless its a strong family issue.

She is so much fun when she is on form. If her friends are off then she is off but that seems normal right? Her Dad is very present and always helping. He takes over if I can't cope and vice versa. We are a good team.

Three girls in my daughter's primary class were diagnosed with autism, including my daughter, despite "no concerns" from teachers.

Those of us with asd girls know how hard it is to get it recognised, so yes, it may come across as pushing it, but it is very much the case that girls slip under the radar and how else are parents to recognise it?

In fact, I always suggest a sensory integration assessment or a speech and language one. These are not autism specific assessments but will point in that direction if appropriate.

I never said it was a teachers responsibility, I'm ND, and it shouldn't be the first port of call for every single childhood problem.

I'd have her on melatonin so she's at least falling asleep much more easily and not so overtired.
Overtiredness is absolutely awful for emotional regulation

This this this

Melatonin is very hard to get prescribed and comes with its own difficulties sometimes. It doesn't do anything for night wakes, can cause earlier waking and sometimes can cause stomach issues and nightmares. Don't get me wrong I know some parents swear by it and I'm glad it helps, but it's not a magic bullet and shouldn't be presented as an easy option/something to just dole out.

So if you followed through how is she still going to parties?