Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Honestly, what am I doing wrong? Always the ones crying and screaming when we leave. I give them count downs etc, I try to be patient and calm but they are always crying when it's time to go home and I honestly can't take it anymore. My 7 year old has always been like this, it just honestly has ground me down so much over the years. I dread going to them. What am I actually doing wrong because all the other kids seem to handle it fine? I know that the other kids have their off days but mine seem to have an off day every single bloody party.

I have wondered because she is either good as gold or an emotional wreck. It's really hard to know what is normal 7 year old behaviour.

I’ve been to countless parties and there are always some who don’t join in and sit in a corner, some that go a bit ott and lots who who are rubbish at leaving. I think that bit is very normal to struggle with to different degrees. I think it’s pretty common to try and push a bit to stay longer but I think crying about it is probably less common.

I have one child who is very sensitive and doesn’t manage transitions well. When we go on holiday she generally cries on the first night (misses home) and then when she’s home (misses holiday), she cried most days going into school for infants. She will always feel things in a big way but I don’t think she’s neurodivergent.

So usually DD has a very low sugar diet as she has an enamel condition and we only allow biscuits or chocolate once or twice a week but at this party I did feel sorry for her and let her have a little extra than usual so maybe that's why. I just don't know what to do though if a table full of sugar is put out before them and everyone else is getting tucked in?

It's not a threat thou !
It's a bribe distraction

See this is what I wonder too as maybe it is just 7 year old behaviour? But then there are other things day to day that are also difficult for her and i swing between what I should do and if I should contact the school again or if they will just think that I'm an overly anxious parent like MN!

It seems very young behaviour for a 7 year-old. More typical at 4/5.

It is difficult for the school to act on something they haven't experienced your dd doing.

More typical age 1-3!

I'd have said that it was unusual behaviour for a 7-year-old. It doesn't sound like she's as capable of dealing with the emotions as you'd expect at that age.

My instinct was to agree with you that missing parties would be sad; but given everything - that she's usually a good girl, that she gets "stuck" on telling you she doesn't want to go, that nothing works to avoid the upset - I think I would stop going. She might have a great time before but you are continually putting her into a situation that she's not able to cope with right now. It might get better with age, or as someone else said, when the parties become more sleepovers and pizza instead of soft play and noise, or if she is diagnosed with anything, when she's got coping mechanisms, but for now - she isn't coping with it. She can't handle that transition. In any other situation, you'd not do anything non-essential that elicited that response.

Someone has suggested social stories and feelings scales and they are useful tools you could try, but it's worth noting that they're ND techniques, and trying to cover off all techniques for any possible condition will be exhausting for you both.

You could talk to her doctor? Is there anything else going on other than the enamel condition that you do know about? Does this happen when you leave other things, like swimming, or days out?

It sounds like the ‘addictive’ way a lot of dc (and adults) respond to video games and television. I found when dc was 3-5 it was often better not to start because ending was so painful. Distract and divert was better for emotional equilibrium.

Whereas adults just keep going all night until they drop. Learning tactics now, to extract herself when she chooses and avoid getting sucked into that sort of addictive, obsessive behaviour as an adult (against her ‘will’ / better judgement) would be really valuable.

Check out PDA.

Try increasing the size of her drinks. She needs to be able to drink a full glass of water in one go at her age. Had this with my son, turned out his bladder needed stretching. Been quite a common problem with children since the sippy cup and water bottle became popular.

Remember too that children, especially girls, can cry quite hard and often but not really be as upset as they look. I am old, but I still remember crying over not much as a child. Couldn't help it. It was like some sort of involuntarily reflex. Think it could actually be hormonal as seems more common in girls. Whining is a whole different thing.

Hiya!

If you google Sensory Processing Disorder there’s loads of resources online. The Out of Sync Child is also an excellent book to read, it goes through the different presentations children have (obviously all children are unique, so their sensory triggers are all unique too).

Her being in bed to calm down sounds likely she is struggling with being overstimulated! Poor thing.

My son is the same and can’t cope with birthday day parties. He loves them because he loves his friends and playing and having fun, but the environment is far too stimulating. He gets overwhelmed by the noise, the heat, the amount of people running around in the room. He usually ends up in a meltdown and getting a huge headache.

To get him out I often bring something he really likes (Jaffa cakes or a little bag of sweets), and tell him he can have those in the car. This usually gets him to leave and then once in the car he can relax and listen to some music and sit under a blanket etc. also leaving after everyone else had gone massively helps, the room is then quieter and less busy so he can regulate himself better and clam down before we have to leave.

I know it’s so difficult and frustrating watching all of the other children leave with no problem. But it’s not just your daughter, loads of kids have these issues in our super fast and busy and overstimulating society. You’re doing a great job!

@Coldcoffeekindamorning you said all of your children? Is it more than dd?

I never did count downs for parties but also he wasn’t at parties until he was old enough to go unaccompanied. I arrived and collected him as did other parents. No sleep overs until secondary school but we both worked and needed relaxing weekends.

I think it’s unfair on the others to do a countdown to go if she then wails for the countdown time. Doesn’t the parent in charge say “ home time” if lots of parents there or give clear signal party is over so everyone is going at once?

I was this child at 7. Also, quiet and good at school and compliant. Also, diagnosed 40 years later (NHS) as autistic, after an adulthood of anxiety and clinical depression, erratic work history, and relationship difficulties. Don't leave the issues to escalate at 11+ years.

I agree with this. Although it’s a shame for her to miss parties, the reality is she actually isn’t coping with them. You could try pausing them for a few months and then trying again, or prioritising one or two a term. My AuDHD son was the same and in the end I realised I was putting him repeatedly into situations where he couldn’t cope and it was my fault. He always enjoyed the party but the aftermath became too much and I couldn’t justify the stress (to everyone!) so we cut down hugely. In time he matured and has learnt to cope (or mask) better.

You have to parent the child you have, and that requires making different choices to other parents at times, ND or NT.
The fact that she becomes stuck repeating herself suggests a kind of shutdown, and it doesn’t matter what warnings or consequences you’ve given beforehand because she may not actually be in control of her behaviour in that moment. This means she can’t actually change the behaviour, so at that point you have to decide if it’s still worth going. Once you frame it as “she can’t help doing this so is it worth going?” you could decide on a case by case basis.

Do you tell her off? (I mean really tell her off properly). So many parents seem scared to discipline their children.

I don't want to dismiss your worries, sorry if it came across like that. If there's other day to day things which you're concerned about alongside the party issues, my advice would be to take a breather and find a time when you can sit down and write some points down. Think about what they struggle with, triggers etc but also what they enjoy, are good at, where they're most comfortable etc because it's all part of the picture.

Maybe even do a diary for 2 weeks - sleep, food, activities, behaviour. If you feel like things are jumping out at you, take them to your GP and the school and just see what they say for now and go from there.

Online there's some good resources, geared towards ND, but also good solid tactics for all kids really, especially maybe ones who are more sensitive. The contented child is a good page I've found.

I just get a bit annoyed when a poster can ask about something (anything) and the first 3 replies are "they probably have Sen" despite very little information. It's always geared towards "negative" behaviours too - lashing out = Sen, doesn't listen = ND, posts about awards etc for doing well = oh but what about kids who aren't doing well, they probably have Sen... It's like they find it impossible to believe that kids who are autistic or have ADHD or other differences are actually capable of anything and it really annoys me.

Sorry to derail!

Somebody said sugar- my son has an awful comedown from sugar, almost angry, exhausted etc. We don’t ban but definitely give as many alternatives that he doesn’t always notice but sometimes does!

Therescathairinmybath
Do you tell her off? (I mean really tell her off properly). So many parents seem scared to discipline their children.

They probably discipline them at home but there’s such a fine line when you’re out or especially at a party- everyone’s watching and many parents feel others have their notebooks out to see if the parent is reacting and disciplining the ‘correct’ way, plus they’re tired, you’re tired from the lead up/ build up (have we got the present/ card, what time is it at, do I hand around or drop off, can I get x done while they’re there, crap I may be late, phew, made it, oh god now they don’t leave!!!!!!)

My 2.5 year old is like this. My eldest never was.

Was at a baby shower yesterday (with other children) and ds cried for most of it so we left early. Same with a toddler birthday party last month.

I was due to be going to a wedding with both ds next weekend. I’ve decided not to go anymore as I suspect he will do the same and don’t want to distress him. He also refuses to be babysat by anyone unless it’s my DF and in a car ride (if I have a doctors appointment etc.)

This sounds hard. I think you are doing a great job and your daughter sounds lovely. On the matter of neurodivergence, you know best and do trust yourself to look into this further. (Masking at school and venting at home is common.) Either way, I hope you have some ideas from this thread that give you some hope.

I think the social stories idea mentioned could help, and framing big problems and small problems sounds brilliant advice.

Regarding bed-times, I was reading recently about Finnish children having a worry book which they use about half an hour before bed to write down their concerns. The book is then closed for the night. The message is that it is ok to have these worries and to think and talk about them, but the time lying in bed is not the moment for it - by then, the worry book is closed and put away until the next day. The worries are not suppressed but they are contained.

Regarding the possible effect of sugar at these parties, I wonder if you could do an experiment of giving her a high-protein and fibre snack just before the start of the party (maybe some cubes of cheese and an apple, or ryvita with peanut butter). This is known to prevent sudden crashes in blood sugar, and also may reduce the intensity of any peaks. You could see if this helps her; it’s not universally accepted, but a lot of people (adults and children) do seem to find this helps.