Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

[Coldcoffeekindamorning]

Honestly, what am I doing wrong? Always the ones crying and screaming when we leave. I give them count downs etc, I try to be patient and calm but they are always crying when it's time to go home and I honestly can't take it anymore. My 7 year old has always been like this, it just honestly has ground me down so much over the years. I dread going to them. What am I actually doing wrong because all the other kids seem to handle it fine? I know that the other kids have their off days but mine seem to have an off day every single bloody party.

I’m sure you’ve had time to ponder the replies but to add, it sounds like transition difficulty and an overwhelmed nervous system that can absolutely be indicators of ND and I’d really encourage some further research around it. Good luck, OP.

Tell me you don't have a neurodiverse kid without telling me you have a neurodiverse kid 🤣

Try developing a scale of problems - big problem or small problem.

Big problems are issues like feeling very sick, falling and cutting herself, being splashed by a passing car and drenched on the way to school, breaking or losing a favourite toy. They are problems that a grownup can help with, and she can and should ask for help without bawling about them nonstop.

Small problems are problems that arise from our feelings. Our feelings are all ok, but they don't need to be expressed by crying, whining, or tantrums. We can use words, and we can trust our adult to listen when we talk about them.

Maybe practice identifying the problems when she seems to be getting upset at home, then decide whether the problem is a big problem or a small one.

Feeling a little more aware of what's happening can take the urgency out of a situation for a child who goes into emotional overdrive.

It might also be productive to ask her how she is feeling about activities she's engaged in - interrupt her when reading, running in the garden, bouncing on the trampoline, watching TV, doing a puzzle, etc, and ask her how she's feeling. When it's coming up to time to get hands washed before dinner, ask her how she feels about stopping what she's doing and moving on to hand washing/ sitting at the table. It can help to keep on practicing identifying feeling.

Before a party, ask how she's feeling when you're getting ready, ask her how she thinks the party will go, what she's looking forward to, what she doesn't like about parties. Take her aside briefly at the party and ask her how she's feeling. About twenty minutes before it's time to leave, ask her how she's feeling, and how she feels about the prospect of leaving. If she starts carrying on, assure her you realise the idea may be upsetting, that you are there to listen when she is ready to talk using her words, and you hope she'll be ready to talk soon.

Remind her that she can talk to you in the car too, and you'll be ready to listen.

Social stories, where a child has a personalised booklet made with photos and text describing any transition she finds difficult, can also help. Basically, the first photo is captioned with biographical details of the child and family, the next page includes details of school, teacher, and friends, next page shows activities and social events. The next page describes feelings she has at parties or gran's or the beach, etc - any place she doesn't want to leave - and how she can deal with those feelings. Can she talk to mum and get a hug? Hold a tactile / fidget/ calming object? Put on headphones and listen to music she likes?

I suspect my son is ND. He can struggle with endings and overwhelming (to him) social situations.

What really aggravates it all though is lack of sleep. He now has 1mg melatonin before bedtime and it’s really changed his and our lives. He’s less tired and can self regulate better as a result.

I still make sure we build in downtime after a busy activity/day and avoid certain types of overwhelming (to him) situations but getting better sleep has generally improved his ability to respond better to so much.

We get it over the counter in Europe.

your daughter may not be nd. We are all different and don’t fit into one mould. Not all adults love parties/clubbing (the adult equivalent of soft play).

look - maybe just give the class parties a miss? My son was like this. Then I was just ‘busy’ when there was a big party. Then as he’s got a bit older the big class/group parties have reduced and now it’s smaller groups with his friends and he’s much happier.
you say she likes being with one friend - organise a few play dates for her. Invite a friend over one weekend.

Of course a party with friends, games, food, decorations is more fun than home for a lot of children- it doesn't mean anything is wrong with home.

DS used to be like this, it helped pre-empting and asking what he wanted to do when home before we went and we would set it up. I think the knowing helped, he did grow out of it also.9

As above…yep, something is up. I have shared the reasons this could be.

From one comment on the internet…come on!

This was my son, he used to hate parties and just used to cling onto my leg the whole time, we stopped going unless it was a small thing or a really good mate. He was just totally overwhelmed and parties just not his thing.

He's 16 now and TBH still doesn’t love parties but super sociable, lots of friends and just prefers doing things on smaller groups.

Yes, I've tried everything which is why I'm posting on MN!

She takes ages to go to sleep, she says she can't stop thinking. I used to put her to bed at 7pm to try and mitigate the sleep but she would just roll about in bed getting upset. She just won't fall asleep easily. I've just started letting her read for 15-40 mins before bed and that seems to help. She usually wakes up once during the night for the toilet (always has since potty training and even had appointments with urology as it used to be up to 4 times a night but nothing wrong there). She wakes up sometimes at 5am sometimes 6.30am but I never have to wake her. When I go through in the morning she will sit bolt upright. Her sleep was especially bad over summer and would wake up about 2 times a night plus the not going to sleep/waking up early.

👏👏

So you've actually not taken her to the next party? And reminded her several times of the reason that she's not going to it? If that's the case then I'd just refuse to take her to any more parties again.

This is soooo helpful, thank you. I will definitely do this. One thing I struggle with is I do say "when you're ready tell me in your normal voice" and she will usually lower her tone but when she is upset she will just keep repeating herself as if her brain is stuck like "I just don't want to go home" over and over and so I dont know where to go from that. Everything I say to her is just the same repeated answer.

The thing is she loves parties and she is usually in her element. I would feel bad making her miss out on them and bonding time with her friends.

I've tried this and it doesn't work. She is too stuck in her emotions.

Some parents just have easier children than others, it’s rubbish but from the sounds of it it’s absolutely nothing you are doing.

my two are 17&15 now and I’ve had an incredibly easy ride of it with them so far, and as much as I’d love to say it was parenting, I honestly think it was just that I got dealt a lucky hand.

my youngest does have adhd, which became pronounced with his complete inability to cope independently with the organisation needed for secondary school.

I think the only advantage I had here is that I’m a brain injury nurse, the psychiatrist said at assessment and diagnosis that I was automatically adjusting to his needs with strategies I’d use with my patients which is why it took him so long to get diagnosed.

I know it doesn’t help for now, but these phases pass, please don’t be hard on yourself.

I've done this with big play dates/outings and I have not let her go on the next one.

Hot take - just don’t go to parties?

my son would always get overstimulated and behave badly at parties so we just stopped going to them.

Behaviour is communication and floods of tears is a pretty clear communication that parties aren’t working for your daughter. They are meant to be fun - if they aren’t, leave it.

In next few years girls’ stuff will morph into sleepovers and stuff which she may find less draining

I'd specifically do it with a party, tell her we'll in advance of the next party that if she whines, moans, cries or tantrums when it's time to leave then she will not be going to the next party. Remind her of it in the run up to the party and throughout the party. Then if she still does it you tell her that she's absolutely not going to the next one. Then when she gets an invite you remind her of why she isn't going.

I had to do this sort of thing with my youngest and it took a lot of repeating myself, constant reminders and following through even when the consequences seemed quite harsh.

I really don't think you're necessarily doing anything wrong. Some children just find the transition from something exciting to having to leave incredibly difficult, especially if they're tired, overstimulated or having a brilliant time. My two have been very different with this, and I've found that sometimes the more I prepare them and talk about leaving, the more worked up they get. With my younger one, keeping it very simple worked better, something like "two more minutes, then we're going" and then actually leaving without a long negotiation. I also stopped comparing them with the other children because you really don't know what is going on once they get home. If your 7 year old has been struggling with this consistently for years, I'd be inclined to look at what happens around the whole party, rather than just the leaving part, and see whether they're becoming overwhelmed earlier than you realise. But honestly, I think most parents have had those awful exit dramas, and it doesn't mean you've failed as a parent.

Well you haven’t because you keep taking her to the parties. Tell her if she can’t behave she doesn’t get to go, and follow through.

Have you thought about out Sensory Processing Disorder? Or just sensory processing issues generally.

The busy, loud, bright and overstimulating nature of birthday parties can send kids who have this completely insane. School is also a really difficult thing for them, as they have to work extra hard all day to manage the environment around them and how it makes them over stimulated.

If she has issues with socks and shoes and when it’s busy at home with lots of guests that would all tie in as well.

And if it is sensory processing difficulties, punishment will not work. It’s to do with the nervous system not working as it should do, so she won’t have any control over her reaction. This is why the screaming and not listening will happen. She can’t hear you or be rational in that moment.

She’ll need taking to a dimly lit room that is silent and have a sit down for a while, listening to some calming music and having a snack and a drink. Once her nervous system is regulated again she’ll manage much better and you’ll be able to leave.

My daughter must be your daughter's twin devil lol 😁
She used to be exactly the same as this she.is nearly 24 years old now she isn't ND she was just a child not all children are the same sometimes some struggle with regulated themselves it doesn't mean their ND
My daughter is so strong now u have to handle them and prepare them explain before u go to the party that when u say we going home she must not behave silly or crying because if she does she won't be able to (do what do want here pet some dogs buy her a cookie it's called distraction ) Try this and when she realises that the fun is not actually ending she will come home without crying !
Hope this helps x