AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

Does your company have values or behaviours / cultural principles? These are usually to do with respect, courtesy, solutions not problems, teamwork.

Look at these and align with those. A lot of the time at work it is not what you do, it’s how you do it. No one told me this until about 5 years ago and it’s a useful thing to know. Keep your opinions to yourself.

Tell your manager “thank you for your feedback. I hadn’t realised I was perceived in this way. I’m working hard to address it, I welcome your support in that.”

It’s only work - take the money and do the thing.

No one ever wants to know about a problem - we all know there are problems. We want constructive ideas on how to fix them.

They don't think about it because they don't care. They have no interest in you as people. When you remind them of your humanity, you create a problem for them.

If I were you I would get a sick note from your doctor, reduce your hours, and find a job in a nicer workplace.

I’d be gutted too but really angry.
i would hand my notice in immediately.
Up your hours in your other job if you need to but if possible don’t.
If you need to work apply for other jobs.
Join some groups that keep you busy and make new friends - personally I’d join a walking group, gym, yoga, take up a new sport ( I took up golf at your age - it’s almost too time consuming and I have loads more friends/social life now) art class - in short whatever you fancy.
Spend more quality time with H and children.
Redecorate or sort out your garden.
I’d rather do without things than work at this awful place where I’m not respected or valued.
Good luck.

If this is a minimum wage job I would just let it brush over you. You know what your personality is, you don't need them to tell you or distort it so ignore them.

Then when suits leave. They are ineffective managers the laugh is on them.

You sound like a really nice, hardworking, conscientious colleague. I think I would enjoy working with you. Heaven forbid that a woman should forget her handmaiden duties. I was called difficult too. I wasn’t difficult, I was disobliging, which is different. I had the same experience as you, and the person who started on me was well known for going after women in their fifties. So well known in fact, that the union rep at their previous workplace ‘phoned me to warn about them. It’s not always that easy to just walk out, but start planning if you can. On the day you leave, the same things will be true about you that were always true about you, that you were a good and valued colleague. It will take time but what is true about you will reassert itself as your dominant view of yourself, don’t let this calculated undermining stay with you for long.

All that work and responsibility for minimum wage? Resign immediately. You are worth more than this and like your children say, you're making yourself ill. Sounds like you have savings so take the time to build up your pilates.

She’s resigned! Did you not read the OPs updates?

If you're expensive to get rid of, this may be their building evidence ready to sack you. Watch out.

Edit: I read your update.

Nothing you hear in an appraisal should be a surprise. It there were genuine concerns with any behaviours you display they should have been raised before now, not thrown in with no examples or explanation now. They are not good managers and this isn’t a healthy company for its employees.

In the circumstances you describe I would also leave and develop your Pilates and other part-time work.

Wishing you a lovely life away from that place!

I have had something similar happen to me.Deep down you know it's them not you.
If they lie about people it will be the same in their other relationships.
Start telling yourself to the mirror how good you are and that you're looking after yourself and getting out.
I am very sorry about what's happened, but you just need to keep looking until you find something else, do loads of Pilates to help with the stress.

Well done for resigning. I wouldn't bother putting in a grievance, I think it would take up too much headspace and it is not worth your time or effort. It sounds like a very toxic place to work and you will soon be free of it and moving onto better things. Depending on how serious it was I would think about pursuing the accident at work claim. If you do decide to pursue it, it might be worth checking the correct procedure for reporting the accident, and also think about whether you need to gather any evidence etc. before you leave. But if it is more about seeking some sort of revenge, because of how they have treated you, my advice would be to try to let it go and focus on your future and a fresh start. Good luck with everything.

Hi OP

You’ve certainly done the right thing resigning. Your DC were right. The job was clearly affecting your health.

I’m older than you and have always worked. From what you’ve described, your employer is appalling. No wonder their business is failing!

If you’re not in a union, I advise you to join one and seek urgent advice. From what ACAS have said, and my own understanding of employment law, you appear to have a strong case of constructive dismissal. Not to mention a claim for the accident at work. A union legal adviser will be reputable. Some ‘no win, no fee’ lawyers aren’t.

A few points:

• Take your holiday. It sounds like you need to put your well-being ahead of earnings.
• Don’t focus on your age. Your employer has made ageist statements to you (e.g. comparing you to other older workers WTF!). There can be age-discrimination in recruitment, but good companies recruit on experience and skills.
• Consider counselling. If I may say so, your DH sounds v unsupportive. Clearly, the job was affecting your health. Your DC could see that. It’s obviously an appalling, unhealthy work environment. You didn’t take time off sick when under huge stress and bleeding heavily (and fast-tracked for cancer investigation). Yet DH told you not to leave without another job! What an a-hole!
• Your posts indicate and acknowledge you carried on, working harder and harder, putting up with every kind of shit. You didn’t leave or set boundaries like your colleagues. Is it possible you’re like that at home with your DH?

What’s the outcome you want from the grievance? I wouldn’t bother tbh. Your actions are doing the talking here.

I would be tempted to go off with stress. Just leave them to it.

People are in management so that they can constructively fix things. If they aren't able to do that they shouldn't be in management.
It appears These young people have got a situation where they have been promoted above their experience, told to solve the problem where everyone keeps going off sick/ resigning, have decided to blame the person who had shouldered the others workload, ( who apparently they are afraid of..) now she's resigned.
Do they have ' cultural principles' ?
I guess they can just do all the work themselves then?
What's your idea ?

There is your answer there. They want to get rid of their permanent staff. This is the start of them documenting everything and anything on advance of a performance management process

If you dont actively need the money, leave

Coming back to add I should’ve ended my post by saying you sound lovely, strong, humble and v hard-working.

Don’t let dreadful, failing managers in a toxic, failing business make you question your character or how you’re perceived by others.

I hope your Pilates colleagues and clients are much kinder, more positive people, who make sure you feel appreciated and valued.

And I hope your DH also reflects on how unsupportive he’s been. So that, if you’re ever under huge stress or ill again, he’s more encouraging and supportive of you taking the time you need to rest and recuperate.

Good luck for the next chapter 💐

Putting in a grievance is exhausting and miserable. And there is nothing to be gained as you’ve already committed to leaving.

But you could request an exit interview?
It won’t change anything but you might find it helpful to feel heard before you go.

Another person resigned the same day as me. Yesterday when I was at work, there were literally zero staff and nothing got done.

Still, no one knows I am leaving, or has acknowledged that I am. The manager who insulted me originally waked past and gave an overly cheery wave and hello, so they definitely know. That really annoyed me.

Still feeling a bit meh. Half of me is excited about a new future. TBH I always wanted to be a fitness coach, and if I had my time again I would go to Uni for sports and try to carve a career out in that area. My pilates work ticks that box. It is not as stable as having a job with a salary and sick pay though so I am a bit nervous about that.

Yesterday my youngest had a wobble and it made me realise just how much headspace and time this stupid crappy job has taken up over the last few years and how I am going to focus on my house and family for a while whilst I build up my new work.

Sounds awful. Has no one responded to your resignation? Your manager?

This is excellent @derFutterneid , but don't expect them to take it on board, your management seem to be absolute rubbish at managing and lack any insight into their behaviour, hence the staff turnover.
Good appraisals are supposed to have a component where you are asked what you feel about how you are being managed: I would put folding money on this not happening in your appraisal: you could ask them why, if you felt up to it.
Just know, anyone who leaves you feeling so shit (unless you have definitely misbehaved which you certainly have not) is not a good manager. The whole team sounds rubbish. Get out for your sanity, go via the sick note route.
Menopause is part of life, don't let them make you feel bad about it.

Agree, it’s odd if they haven’t.

Tell everyone, OP. And ask management for acknowledgement of the notice.

I’d also mention you’re seeking legal advice. Quite possible they’re harassing people out to avoid redundancy payments. Hinting they may have a constructive dismissal case on their hands may give them pause for thought.

If you’d like a permanent job, so you’re entitled to sick/holiday pay, there’s nothing to stop you looking for something in the sport field (e.g. council-run leisure centre or private sport club) with the increased Pilates hours as a stop-gap.

Glad you have resigned OP. If I was you I would be secretly hoping none of HR or my Manager acknowledged I was leaving until the last minute (or not at all), then I would be gone 😁 Absolute dickheads.

At one place I wrote a letter to one of the main people saying the reasons I had left, I posted the letter and I didn't put my name. The reasons were generic in that there were quite a few people who left around the same time and for the same reasons so they couldn't have pinpointed the letter back to me. I marked it private and confidential on the envelope, so it would only be opened by the person it was addressed to (not be reception who usually opened all post).

Good luck for your last few weeks, head down, work to rule (or less), fuck em !

I’ve just read all your posts on this thread, OP, and I am so happy that you’ve resigned. You were far too good for your crappy managers. I wish you a happy future and a successful new career with all the job satisfaction you deserve xx

Honestly good for you. It is always hard moving on from anything after that long, even if it was crap. You are one of life's workers, and we all need more of you. I dont know what industry you are in, but competitors would probably be pleased to employ you.
Having said that, assuming this is white collar work, I do think it's good to have a bit of perspective about it. Knowledge work can be hard, but it's not lugging bricks kind of hard, as that has a real ceiling. We're all capable of more than we think and most of us can manage considerable pressure, even if today's culture seems to find that a bit unfashionable.
I'd say nothing at all to anyone at work, the company's problems are not yours. Just contact one of those claims lawyers about your accident and they can sort that all out in the background. Saying too much now could undermine that claim.