AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

Never put anything in your letter of resignation, it will go nowhere apart from your file.

Just 'please accept this as my letter of resignation, I am currently left with x days leave which are already booked off so my last working day will be y day as per the notice period of z weeks in my contract'. Leave them to make any corrections to take anything out of your final pay packet and if they do it wrong, tackle it then.

Agree with the previous poster who said to go on the sick until your leaving date then hit them with the workplace accident claim. Glad you’re getting out of that toxic environment.

So I resigned.

Last night I was really celebratory about my decision, but today I feel low.

It’s not that I regret it, or think it’s the wrong one, but I still feel a bit down.

It’s like breaking up with a partner who is horrible and abusive, but then missing them. MN’ers always advise that you are missing the old partner and what could’ve been. I’m sad because I loved working there at first, but it just got absolutely toxic over the past 1-2 years. That said I’m dreading going back in there and if I never set foot in the place again I wouldn’t care. There’s one person to say goodbye to, the others I couldn’t care less.

The leap of faith has me a bit scared too and I’m feeling a bit anxious. I’m not a spring chicken any more.

Hopefully in a week or 2 I’ll be regretting not leaving sooner.

@derFutterneid then don’t go back. Why put yourself through it? Either (my preference as you know) go on the sick for as long as you can then resign (by post, not in person, why put yourself through that), or just resign. They could pursue you for lack of notice but it’s unlikely.

i think you have to ask yourself why you’re still going in. You drew a good parallel with an abusive parter. LTB - it’s just that this is a bastard job, not a bastard partner!

Is the company on Glassdoor? Worth reading the reviews on there as part of the moving on' and 'letting go' process. Wishing you good luck for the next chapter xx

I think that's normal, op. Your brain will work through it all soon enough. Its probably the injustice of it all. I'm a great worker but its kind of meaningless in a toxic environment and just doesn't sit with my values. My brain cant make sense of it as it doesn't make sense to me.

Edited: just seen your update. You have done the right thing. Good luck with your next steps.

Any chance you could get signed off with work-related stress for your notice period? Something I wish I had done when leaving a previous job, instead of working my arse off trying to leave the place in good order. My name was still mud after I left.

I am back there tomorrow. If they stress me out and upset me in anyway I will not be going back.

Well done. I'm sure pilates will be infinitely less stressful and they won't make you feel treated like shit.

I've had shit workplaces like that, it's weirdly traumatic and years later I still avoid going near them.

Fuck them. You've done the right thing.

I know what you mean, I was at my last job for 8 years and loved it at first. Halfway through after a building move and restructure it became toxic and frosty. I left without having another job to go to and worried if I’d made the right decision. It was like boiling frog syndrome as it slowly got worse I couldn’t decide how bad it was! After I left I felt very sad and upset as I kept remembering the good old days, and staff! That was twelve years ago and I spoke to an old colleague from there since. She said it got a lot worse as they had another restructure (everyone reapplying for their jobs on a lower salary!) and morale was low and management were pushing back by being aloof and distant. My friend has lost confidence and won’t attempt to look for another job. I do the same work now but for another company for double her salary! I think it’s the right thing for you to leave, it will only get worse. Wishing you all the best. 🌺

If they do stress you out, immediately ring in sick and leave.
Don't just walk out.
Think about your claim to an adding in your whistle blowing information.

When my friend was in a similar-ish situation after a decade, she went out sick and was about to resign, but was persuaded by her SIL to stick in a grievance.

She included messaging from her boss making disparaging remarks about menopause and menopausal staff.
Mad stuff altogether.
She had quite few juicy receipts from years of his bullshit.
A lot has changed in the past 10 years in what is now completely unacceptable.

On professional advice she refused all efforts of mediation with him(too upset), and waited HR out, which made it clear she wanted to go to Tribunal.
The company didn't want this and it was resolved with 9 months full pay.

She ran into one of the HR team months later and was told his card, despite his seniority, was completely marked by HR.

The HR manager was very unhappy with him, and made her views on his illegal sexism very clear on paper, to the top management.

She refused to not have it noted that she felt he should have been terminated, very much covering her own arse.

He's a much much quieter twat now and keeps his head down.

Get some employment advice. It was £300 well spent in my friends case.

So I went to work, all of HR are off and so is my manager. The other managers seem oblivious that I am leaving. I’m 4 days into my 14 day notice.

At this rate I’ll leave and no one will be the wiser.

You have every right to be upset. These are not matters you should be hearing about as a result of questioning a down graded appraisal. If they think your behaviour is that problematic you should have heard about it many times already, in informal feedback, formal supervision and been pulled aside when it occurred. Its terrible management to store up all these vague feelings and impressions about someone and use it as part of a formal assessment.
If I were you, I'd appeal or put in a grievance after speaking to ACAS for advice. It won't make you flavour of the month, but you're obviously not anyway so have little to lose.

Will you get paid if you get signed off sick with stress? As you clearly are suffering from stress.
If not, stop doing anything extra, work to rule, take your time to do whatever your tasks are. Plaster on a smile when you have to, be pleasant, but don't do anything beyond your paygrade or agreed hours. Leave the office at lunchtime.
Look for another job.

Sorry, I posted before reading the full thread and your updates.
Make sure you have copied all the emails/documents you might need in the future, bearing in mind that you may well decide to go to a tribunal and get some recompense. I was in a job once where I received notice of redundancy, had a month's notice, but my email access was cut off within a few days of receiving notice ( local authority employer), hence my advice to you to do this as soon as you can.
You seem to want to continue to go in and work out your notice, so do that if you must, and decide whether you want to go with no fuss, or put in the formal grievances which you are entitled to do. `In fact, you could spend your last few days there drafting them and speaking to ACAS.

I want to put in a grievance. Do I do it before I leave or after?

Before you leave, technically they don't have to investigate a grievance of ex employees. But get advice from ACAS.

What do you hope to achieve by putting in a grievance? To have your say? Compensation? Validation? An apology?

Please don't just leave. Talk to a union or ACAS. You have rights.

Sounds like they are trying to push you out. Happens a lot to people in their 50/60s.

At least it would annoy them and they’d have to work to cover it up

Don’t bother. Just go. You have a plan and that’s what requires your full headspace, not for half of that headspace to be taken up with a grievance.

Grievance outcomes 9/10 are a whitewash: dismiss, deny, deflect. I’d not waste my time or energy OP.