AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

Leave. Your health is more important. It sounds like a very toxic place.

Look for another job

Leave. If the money isn’t needed you will find plenty to give you structure in the week.

If it’s a minimum wage job I’d go to Tesco or Lidl and get a job there. I used to love working in a supermarket.

The money will be the same and you shouldn’t be getting so upset or stressed over a minimum wage job.

I would build up the pilates business and then leave. Stress can have a very negative affect on your body.

Leave. Do the Pilates

I'd speak to my GP about the stress they are putting you through and may be go off sick, this would give you time to look for new jobs and speak to your 2nd job about upping hours.

Also what’s the point of appraisals if you can perform brilliantly and do well and it never reflects in your pay

One of the other things I am worried about is that they have got inside my head.

I have never been told with such vitriol that I have a bad attitude and just the phrase "my behaviour" totally shocked me. It was like being told that I am a naughty schoolgirl and my behaviour is not where it should be and I cannot go on the school trip.

It now has me questioning if I am an awful person. I am a middle age post menopausal woman, and yes I say what I mean and mean what I say. Honestly, put me in the middle of my group of 10 friends and I am the most timid!!!!

Just leave. Management like them are not worth your time

Just last week I was asked to up my hours. I can also work in other centres. I have also logged a company name and trademark for some things I want to do online.

To be honest, I have also found doing the pilates stressful as I have not had time to study and prepare properly due to the stress of my other job.

This

I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me after 25 years with the company with no negative feedback at all. I was sacked- I was a contractor ( yes, for 25 years!) so perfectly legal.

For me the 'attitude' they talked about was menopause symptoms. I didn't realise this was coming out at work, I actually thought I was masking it.

Anyhow, I think you should leave if you don't need the money. Life's too short it really is. You'll have such relief at getting out of the petty office politics.

You need to leave - with or without a new job lined up.

Someone has your card marked and there is no going back when the rest of management aren’t backing you up. All this stress and being treated like crap - just no. Find a new job with hopefully decent management.

I think the menopause is playing a part in my work, but then loads of men and young women are leaving due to the stress, so it is not all that.

Leave.

You are in a no win situation whereby they expect the moon on a stick and for you to be happy about it and put on a performance.

There are loads an NMW jobs you could do instead if you choose (supermarket, cafe, cleaning) whereby you’ll be appreciated.

That is it. I have my card marked, but no one has ever given me any feedback as to what is the issue. I am not underperforming or anything.

I am the 2nd longest member, and one of a few permanent staff. All others are contractors.

For a start you can put down the rope. It's obvious it's not appreciated. Start and leave on time, do no more. Stop and talk to your colleagues. Your appraisal was beyond poor, there should be no surprises. You managed to get downgraded without realising it! It seems rather pointless if you are going through all this stress just to put it in the bank. Life is for living and very short. You're not going to change them but you can change your response.

It’s time to go isn’t it.
Do you think that given this information that from now on, they are going to be managing you out anyway and that work life is about to get even worse?

I do have experience of a colleague who was absolutely gob smacked at similar feedback.

Just get out of there if you don’t need to be there, it will be utterly freeing.
Try to think ahead, 6, 12 months from now, do you see this carrying on or do you see your life as free, happy, relaxed, no more stress and no more knowing that the people surrounding you actually do not like working with you & that you are not in the position you thought you were in?
Just get out.

We did actually get told in a meeting recently that we all need to smile more. They don't actually think about why we are not smiling.

Are you owed much annual leave and sick leave? I would take all you are owed and just don’t show up when you’re due back. They don’t deserve any notice period. Your children are right, the stress of it all will make you sick.

You’d be expensive to make redundant, maybe they want you out. Are their redundancies ever voluntary? If so I’d put myself forward next time in your shoes, if not go.

I left my job recently due to stress. Was told I was too negative but I was carrying a huge workload and nobody higher up was listening. Don’t currently have a job and I have no idea what I’ll say when it comes to asking why I left but I’m much the happier for it.

Get signed off with stress and just leave. Let them sort out the resulting mess.

I think the way the company has changed, the ‘toxic atmosphere’ you are enduring, the amount of extra work that has been put on your shoulders, will have affected your attitude to the company and is probably coming out in your feedback and even your body language - which is inevitable (and not wrong) given the stress you are under.
This is not good for your mental health at all, certainly to be coming home ‘stressed out and crying’.
It is now time for you to leave. The company will never go back to the good way it used to be, that you knew and loved - you’ve outgrown them.
Time to start a new chapter in your life.

How awful!! If you are going to leave anyway, I'd go back to them and ask for a meeting. Be very prepared with documentation of how much extra you've taken on in the past few years (and how much you've had in return: are there any benefits or payments for this??), how much the staff turnover has increased, and why moral is so bad. Point out that you're doing a great job but essentially being penalised for not pretending everything is ok when it's clearly not!!! Highlight all the solutions you've asked for in order to be able to manage the workload, and that they were all declined. If you want an official managers role (since you're filling in anyway) or another leadership position, sketch out what that would look like, and how you could help improve conditions.

But I really hope you find another job where you're appreciated and treated well.