AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

I'd go ASAP. And work to rule until then.

My guess is your face no longer fits, they are threatened by your knowledge and abilities, and they have started the positioning to get rid of you. You will also be very expensive to make redundant due to your longevity. You can carry on calmly ignoring the insult, and they will eventually have to pay you what you are due.

It's rotten & ageist but it seems to be increasingly common.

What does downgraded actually mean? Does it affect your pay or does it just mean you move from 'excellent' to 'very good' or similar on some company ranking system?

If its not affecting your pay I would just try to ignore it and not let it add to your stress. Your managers sound awful and the whole company toxic. I would start to look elsewhere and make plans to leave but don't quit as a reaction to a unsatisfactory appraisal.

They clearly don't value you so I would stop picking up extra work and busting a gut for the managers. No job is worth your health, slow down. If they pick up on this say you realised that you were being over worked and over stressed and it had been affecting your mood so you've decided to take their feedback on board and slow down so you are less stressed and can return to your normal cheerful self, smile and coast!

I am actually the last of all my friends to leave. I think I have sunk cost fallacy. I have been waiting and waiting for it to get better.

I totally agree with what you are saying about my changed attitude and it coming out in my feedback and body language. One of my friends in another department told me honestly that she saw me go from really positive to negative about the job.

Some of my colleagues say that every day it just gets worse, and it is true. It is like death by a thousand cuts. I have stayed there too long, past my sell by date, and it has now come to bite me. I did try and move, but they said no.

Jeezo OP, I'd be out that door before the managers had a chance to shout a cheery "goodbye"! Id hand in my notice, and then give yourself a week or so to spend solely on planning and prepping your pilates work (even better if you are able to use any holiday accrued). If it seems like that will be manageable when it is your main focus, go for it, and if not, look at finding another nmw job to do alongside it. Life's too short even before the appraisal. It will be worse now you're self conscious about the whole environment.

Leave. You are more than capable. You’ve been doing the lions share for no reward. Perhaps your ability to manage shows up other’s ineptitude- not your concern. They will only verbally abuse you worse as they’ve opened the door to it. This will only affect your self confidence more and a reference you may need. Perhaps say “ since you find me difficult to work with, could we agree a reference and I’ll resign?” intending to resign anyway. Don’t give into their mind games!

"I would start to look elsewhere and make plans to leave but don't quit as a reaction to a unsatisfactory appraisal"

It is not really the appraisal but that vitriol feedback on my character at work that indicates to me that they want me out.

I think the key to this is that you are one of a handful of staff at your level on a permanent contract, so they are pushing you to resign. IME being the reliable workhorse isn't sustainable long term - and I guess it's human nature for management to not want to admit any responsbility for an overwhelming workload ending up overwhelming you and affecting your mental health. As you've already got a side job, I would either take some time off sick if you genuinely feel too upset/unwell to go into work, or simply resign.

Absolutely a toxic workplace, they literally expect you to work harder than everyone else, have all your requests turned down for work life balance AND skip about looking happy about it while never questioning their shit decisions.

Just walk, they don’t appreciate you.

This.
@derFutterneid The first thing to realise is that this is not about you. The issue is not your attitude or your menopause or your lack of smiling.
It is really nothing to do with you.
Higher management want to cut costs, but they can't afford (or don't want to pay) to make you redundant with your long service.
There is also ageism at play. And your experience makes the twenty-something managers nervous.

Just leave.
Or, wait for a redundancy that might never materialise, and put up with the utterly toxic and unprofessional behaviour from management while you wait.
The choice is yours.

You know in your heart this is never going to get any better. If you have the opportunity to up your hours elsewhere, just do it. You can replace a job, you can’t replace your health.

I had the same feedback about my personality btw. Not that it was negative but that I lost my spark. I moved location for my main job and took up part time work in a completely different field and volunteering in a third entirely different sector. I'm back with a vengeance!

They don't give references as company policy, only a letter head with "they worked here x to y".

In your shoes, I'd be slapping my resignation letter on them tomorrow morning, clearing my desk and then being off sick for the remainder of my notice.

Awful, I feel for you. My take, this job has affected you and your professional behaviours more than you realise with all the extra work etc. their feedback may be factual and valid but nothing has been mentioned to you or documented and that is unprofessional and unhelpful. I would immediately increase the hours on the other job and / or get another job. If you can afford to resign and are comfortable moving on without another extra role then do. I could not bear to work with such a bunch of unfair amateurs. You sound like a thoughtful, experienced thoroughly professional employee, they don't deserve your dedication.

But it is the appraisal. You’ve been downgraded because of all those things they listed. You know how toxic this working environment is because you’ve seen so many people leave. Look back on the thread, it’s pretty unanimous. It’s not you, it’s them

I work with late 20s early 30s. I am not that much older. But some of this is almost certainly generational disconnect between how the two generations communicate. IME in particular they give out extremely harsh criticism and are the first to cry unprofessional but absolutely cannot take any negative feedback themselves and like it all to be super positive and 'collaborative' without any of the work to get there. It's all about appearances and does t go any deeper. There's no loyalty cos it's all about them and how they feel. So anything you say has to be reframed into their mindset. There's some really good research and you tube videos into how gen X can approach communication with gen z to try to bridge the gap and it does help.

OK, thank you.

I think I have decided to resign. I will have another job - my pilates work and I can up it. I can also take some time for myself, and to support my DC doing their A levels.

I am shaking with stress here, I didn't sleep last night.

What do I go in and say to them?

Get signed off work with stress, and use the time to plan your next move be that upscaling Pilates or applying to other jobs. When ready you can resign while still off sick.

Are you in a union? If so, get them onto your case. Sounds like shocking treatment. The damage is done, and I'd understand that you probably don't want to stay there, but they might help you get an exit with some recompense for the treatment you've had.

Be blunt. Tell them that you’re leaving because you are not appreciated for the work you do and you wish to work somewhere that you will be. Don’t need to say much more than that. They will have a shock when you go- they probably assumed you wouldn’t leave and that they could manipulate you into doing more work, criticising you to erode your confidence and giving you less pay. Don’t stand for it, you deserve so much more.

Sorry to derail but if you are a Pilates instructor please increase! Where I go, the waiting list for a class is huge, you need to be at one to book on the next and the evening one I go to is full of retirees, pt workers and SAHP… you absolutely could get day time or 1-1 classes well full!

You've already had plenty of great advice (I definitely agree with your decision to leave!), so I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're being treated like this when you've obviously worked so hard for this company! Ultimately it's going to be their loss 💐

Great plan from them- make your staff really unhappy. Then give them negative appraisals for daring to appear unhappy and god forbid anyone should have an opinion. Your manager is not doing there job properly if they can not politely and professionally address any issues that they have with your behaviour. If you have been rude etc, as they imply then this should be dealt with promptly, by your direct line manager- sounds like they are flaky! Do the bare minimum look for another job. Speak to GP re stress and menopause and log this with your HR- it could be seen as discrimination to be down grading you for displaying signs of menopause!!!! Play the game. You owe them nothing. Get signed off and practise your Pilates or phone in sick on random days with a ‘migraine’ - they have come on because of the stress of the appraisal. Continue to plan your exit. Good luck

Go sick and plan your exit.