Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

[toottootbeepbeeep]

DSS is nearly 19, he got accepted into a great uni on a great course that was his decision. He hasn’t settled. Spent his first year pausing units, dropping courses and basically doing nothing productive. He’s now not sure if uni is for him. DH and I still contribute towards his costs at home whilst he is living with his mum. He currently doesn’t work and his mum works part time. DH and I both work FT.
AIBU to think this should stop now?
I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

Has he actually dropped out of university? If so then YANBU. If he's still attending but messing around you should still support him but his dad needs a serious conversation with him about his future.

I'd continue to support him as long as he's in education. If he drops out then it's time for him to get a job and support himself.

Well what does he plan to do? He's still.quote young and obviously tried uni and it wasn't for him. It sounds like this is a recent change so I'd be more focused on your DH trying to help him find his way in life for the next few months (obviously not indefinitely but a reasonable timeframe before pulling the plug on financials).

£1k seems to be an awful lot of money though.

My DC is at university and I give them £300 a month, the rest is paid for by the (minimum) student loan. Why £1000?

Can DH give money directly to the son?

Time he got a job.

Well if he has paused units (didn't know that was a thing), dropped courses (again is this a thing) then he hasn't passed year one. Did he take exams over the summer? Has he been offered to resit year 1 or is he home with his Mum.

If you mean £1k a month, that's ridiculous if he isn't working at all.

Of course you don't pay that kind of money for a 19 yo just to do nothing. End of that game.

£1000 per month or per year? I think a chat with your DH about his plans is needed first. I would be more inclined to offer some financial support if he was also working to support himself. Money should go direct to him, not his mother, or possibly into a savings account.

If he's still at uni, then it's reasonable to top him up to the maximum loan, if necessary. If he's dropped out, he should get a job and sign on for UC while he is looking for work.

I take it @toottootbeepbeeep that the £1k is going straight to his mum, ie, was a child support arrangement?

Your DH doesn’t need to continue to fund his ex. She can get a full time job.

He should consider what direct support he wants to carry on giving his son.

If he still needs support then he still needs support and it would be a shit father that refused to provide it, especially on the say so of a step mother.
Why should his mother be left supporting him alone? He has two parents and your kids don’t stop being important or needing help as soon as they turn 18/19.

Was the 1k a month to support him while at uni but now he’s considering dropping out so you’re wanting to stop giving him the money? I’m pretty sure legally there’s no obligation anymore so you’re free to do this. It’s up to your partner though ultimately, his child after all.

We don’t have additional details to say she can work FT. People work PT for all kinds of reasons - they’re disabled, sick, a carer etc.

I think your husband needs to have a chat with his ex and their kid about kids future. If he's dropped out then he needs to work or go on UC and the ex will have to cut her cloth. But either or,.it's between them.

Your post doesn't make it clear if he is still at university or not?

We are only paying DS's rent. He lives off his minimum maintenance loan and hopefully a job.
If he is in FT education i think it's a parental responsibility to support then, but if he drops out then he needs to get a job or an apprenticeship.

His father needs to have a calm, non-judgemental talk with him - or several conversations, about what your DSS wants to do. Keep money out of it at first, but your DSS needs to understand that if he's not at university, he needs to get a job or a different sort of training.

Sometimes young people are on an educational treadmill and feel they have to go to university as a matter of course. It's not for everybody, and there are very good alternatives & other opportunities to learn through working.

But he needs to be brought gently to this and not holding money over him at the start. You can shift from gentle to firm, once communication is opened.

Doesn't sound like his mother is a particularly good role model however, which is a problem.

What does your husband want to do?

So you’re maintaining an ex whilst DS is away at Uni? That’s bizarre.
Maintenance should go directly to the adult child post 18. So paying for accommodation at Uni or topping up his student loans is fine but not to supplement ExW’s lifestyle when he’s not with her for 9 months of the year.

I’d support him only if he was at uni.

It's not entirely clear but I presume you are giving the money to his mum? I would definitely stop that and start supporting the son directly with an agreed amount based upon what his plans are re uni etc.
Edited to add, if he's not at uni, I wouldn't be giving him anything.

"Not sure uni is for him" - has he actually dropped out or been kicked out? If so he can claim UC and start looking for work. If he's continuing to think about it and might go back this month maybe hang fire. Has he thought about ADHD at all?

What is the reason he didn’t settle at Uni? You have left out so much. There has to be some reason for it.

In general, yes I think his dad is still financially responsible for him and should take an interest into helping him become financially independent or returning to Uni same or transfer.

I agree the funds should be going directly to him and not his mum.

Child maintenance stops once they start advanced education, due to them being able to apply for a student loan. I think you need to look into the full facts before challenging your payments as you may be supplementing the ex's income for no reason.