Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

[toottootbeepbeeep]

DSS is nearly 19, he got accepted into a great uni on a great course that was his decision. He hasn’t settled. Spent his first year pausing units, dropping courses and basically doing nothing productive. He’s now not sure if uni is for him. DH and I still contribute towards his costs at home whilst he is living with his mum. He currently doesn’t work and his mum works part time. DH and I both work FT.
AIBU to think this should stop now?
I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

I suppose the thing is this type of thread comes up so many times, usually from the SM, when should we stop paying towards stepchildren. But the mum is expected to be able to house, feed etc the offspring and dad and SM can wave away any financial responsibility or housing of said person.

It really isn’t realistic to expect uni students to pay their way at home

We paid DS £1000pm whilst at uni as he got minimum loan, he also worked every holiday but we didn’t take money from him in the holidays. It is also quite hard for some students to find jobs, both whilst at uni and afterwards, so that financial burden can carry on for some time. The graduate market is brutal at the moment

Your stepson has paused his studies, your husband is paying his ex so she carry on working part time and you both are working full time? What incentive is he giving his son to become an adult? To take this time of his life seriously and face up to adulthood if even his mum doesn’t have to face up to a drop in income once their son reached a certain age and have to work more hours.
My eldest DD wanted to drop out of uni for many of the same reasons and I sat her down and told her she needs to find another course quickly if possible or keep on the course she’s in as she can’t just leave and become a layabout and she has to learn to make new friends as she won’t find the same job with all her friends. She had to face facts and her dad stopped paying anything once she left school.
Your Dss is 19, he needs get a part time job as he is studying so he can pay some of his way and not be treated as a child. Your husband is acting like a Disney dad and actively encouraging him to expect the bank of dad to cushion him from having any responsibility in life. Is he doing it out of guilt or is he afraid that his ex won’t step up to the change in her circumstances and work full time so son has to move in with you guys?

Actually no. When dd was 19 she left college and apart from helping her with a deposit for a rented house share we expected her to work to keep herself. When she returned back home after 2 years away she paid us rent.

When ds was 18 he talked about a gap year and we told hi that was fine but that he would be expected to work to support herself. When he went to uni we gacve him the expected parental contribution but once he left he was expected to support himself.

If he is not attending any courses at university then he needs to get himself a full time job.

I would give him 1 months notice that the £1000 payment will be stopping as he is no longer studying.

It does cost money for a student to live at home. Which is why they still get a maintenance low so they can pay their way.

How has he managed to have done the whole of the first year of uni and in theory at least, be about to enter the second year and still not be 19 yet? I thought the cut off date for birthdays was 31st August so everyone was 18 by the time they started in Sept or Oct?

Unless he opted to go a year early, but that's pretty unusual. It sounds as if he went straight from mainstream school and I'm sure you'd have mentioned going a year early that if it was the case? Although if it is the case, then it might be the reason he's failed to thrive there. He's still too young and just wasn't ready.

Scottish students are oftn 17 when they start. Also certain subjects such as elite performing arts/music they can start earlier.

He's not your son so I would personally try not to get too involved. I think if he's dropped out of uni completely then it is fair to change the financial agreements. £1k sounds a lot for a student - is this because DH earns too much for him to get a maintenance loan? I guess depends where in the country. £1k in London if you're paying accommodation etc won't go far. If accommodation is paid for or he's in a cheap area of the country then it seems ridiculous.

If he's just having a break/struggling with his mental health then I think just getting to the bottom of what he wants to do would be far more important to me than counting my pennies. You were going to give him £1k a month regardless but of course if he has fully dropped out then he shouldn't get the money really (or less if you want to help him until he finds a job or other training).

Priority as a parent should be on what is going on with him not about money.

How often did DH do pick ups and drop offs to school /childcare? Attend sports days? Nativities? Doctors appointments or dentists? When he was sick who had him?

There's an argument to be had about her increasing her hours now, but I would assume that his mum did all the above and couldn't have done if she worked full time.

If he is still enrolled in education and living at home he is still entitled to support. Maybe look at reducing the amount. Is it 1000 a month or a year?
I know BIL has to continue payments until his daughter is 21 when in 3rd level education.

He's an adult. Time he got a job.

You have a problem with the ex not the son. She needs to work FT. She is part time and you are funding her lifestyle.

Hes 19 hes an adult non of this is relevant
As an aside many working mums cant do sports day
Drop offs etc
Does that mean they have to pay for their children for ever more ?

This really isn’t about the DDS, I’m guessing the only reason he is still enrolled is for the maintenance payment. He will be kicked off the course soon enough and then DSS will be forced to seek an alternative course or contribute. It sounds like DSS’s mother is reliant on the maintenance and you are doing neither of them any favours by continuing with an arrangement that enables them not to change. Uni isn’t for everyone and so your partner should be supporting his son in making decisions that are better suited to him.

If your partner chooses to continue to pay maintenance, I would pay it directly to DSS. He’s an adult now and he needs to be made aware the value of money and the more transparent you are with it, hopefully the more he will be aware of the responsibility that comes with it.

Do you know how hard that is for people of his age?

I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

So, this is more about you begrudging the mother working part-time, and not about your stepson faffing about at uni?

I spoke to a young lady this week who said she missed most of her lectures for various reasons, but managed to graduate UCL with a 1st 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Maybe he's a late bloomer and will settle in eventually. Until he drops out, you continue 'supporting their lifestyle'. Find a way to improve your future, without curtailing your stepson's.

As soon as my DS turned 18 I told ex he could stopped paying. The rule is as soon as the child benefit stops so does the maintenance.

She won't be getting child benefit anymore.
If you want to support DSS that's different ie some money to help him at uni with costs.
But maintenance stops after A levels.

Very hard but hes entitlitled to UC as mght his mum if shes only working part time.

This post should read: 'Has not settled. I am really worried. I think he is going to waste his life - he dropped out of a great university, great course. What might be wrong with him? What can we do, as a couple, to make sure he does not piss his life against the wall? Do you think dss should move in with us full-time, so we can offer assistance and guide him, if necessary by the hand, through the first year at university if he starts his units again? Or do you think we should give him several thousand pounds to go on a gap year, and then re-start university? I am so worried, good boy, great uni, great course and this? What would you suggest'?

But then again, I am fucking dreaming, aren't I?

Or do you think we should give him several thousand pounds to go on a gap year, and then re-start university?

Yes, you are living in cloud cuckoo land. Who gives their YP several thousand pounds to go on a gap year? If they want to go on a jollee like that they fund it themselves.

All of the above is happening. The question is why are we still paying his mum.

Surely the reason he is not doing any 'active classes' is because term hasnt started yet?
If he is enrolled at uni he must be on a course, and si your dh should be supporting him

Indeed. The questions would be whether or not he's passed second year and whether or not he is going to enroll for third year. The state "he's still not enrolled but not turning up" doesn't just roll forward from one year into another.

If you are in Scotland, if the child is in education, then there is a financial responsibility until the age of 25.

It’s not CM, it’s aliment that should go direct to the child if 18-25.