Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

[toottootbeepbeeep]

DSS is nearly 19, he got accepted into a great uni on a great course that was his decision. He hasn’t settled. Spent his first year pausing units, dropping courses and basically doing nothing productive. He’s now not sure if uni is for him. DH and I still contribute towards his costs at home whilst he is living with his mum. He currently doesn’t work and his mum works part time. DH and I both work FT.
AIBU to think this should stop now?
I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

Maybe not. But it’s not her ex’s responsibility to plug the gap.

He is still enrolled but isn’t taking any active classes. He choose a degree which was pretty left field and is now worried about job prospects, plus all his school friends are at a different uni - he is struggling to make friends as apparently most other students are rich international ones.
No reason we are aware of why ex can’t work FT, she hasn’t tho since DSS was born.

It goes straight to his mum, DH and DSS had a conversation about it when he left school and he wanted the money to go to his mum and she would struggle without it.

Then it seems like this conversation has already been had and you agree to leave things as they are, so I’m not sure why you’re asking? Personally I think it’s ridiculous to be sending that amount of money in general. And defo not straight to the mum. Financial obligations to her ended when your DSS turned 18. I would say still support his son if you wish, but baffled as to why you send his mum £1000. When is that going to end? When he moves out? You’re essentially just funding her lifestyle and with a grown up child, she is capable of doing that herself. She has just became accustomed to what she has with that extra money. But most people don’t get that just for having a child. She can work full time. She just doesn’t want to.
You’re also not really teaching any sort of work ethic to your DSS if he thinks he can get free money by staying at home. He needs to sort out uni or go get a job.

How would you feel if this was your biological son? I’m not being funny, it’s a genuine question. What would you do if he wasn’t your stepson?

He's 18. You'd absolutely still be supporting him if he was your son, of course his father should still be.

In your OP you say he’s nearly 19. Most people who’ve done the first year of university turn 19 during that year; was it a typo or is he ahead of his chronological age group, so a young second-year student?

On the face of it, you’re right to question why your DH is paying this money still to his ex, but is there more to it? And maybe 18 is still young enough to warrant the support. Less so for the ex.

I completed my first year of uni before I turned 19. In Scotland we leave school at 17/18.

Money to dss at an appropriate level

She's had years to plan for this day presumably.

I assume there was a fair split of assets when they split?

For many years, when maintenance was awarded through the Courts it was paid until the offspring left full time education.

I think I’d be tempted to take him out and talk to him about what gos plans are and see if you can offer any support with finding a job.

If he thinks his employment prospects are limited through his choice of course, they will be even more limited if he doesn’t have a good employment record.

If he's still intending on staying at university then yes I'd be supporting him. But we only give DD £400 a month, the rest is her loan and she has worked during the summer and since she was 16.

I don't think you should be giving his mum anything and the money should now be going directly to the son as he's over 18.

how on earth does £300 and minimum loan support your dc at uni? Genuinely curious as dd goes next week and my maths suggests £850 per month to top up rent plus food/living - £320 a month for living costs the rest is for the rent.

I would continue supporting whilst he is at uni and then for a transition period whilst he looks for a job.

It’s a bit weird that it’s going to his mum though and is such a high amount. Is that to top him up to the maximum loan or has it always been that way?

It’s a bit short sighted of his mum not to have planned for maintenance to stop and you shouldn’t be supporting her financially.

He's only just 18. Dad should absolutely still be supporting him and helping him decide next steps. Tbh the 'why should we be supporting her (mum's) lifestyle' comments rile me. So that's it, you cut kids off dead financially the moment they leave school? Mumsnet comments seem a bit cutthroat on this.

And a lot of kids stay at home these days whilst at uni. Sounds like this is the case here.

If he is getting student loan & living at home then he should use that to pay his ‘rent’ to his Mum & then his Dad should give any living allowance directly to his DS. I would say £100/week would be very generous. Then DS should get a part time job if he wants more money. £1,000/month is very generous.

It says in the OP the DSS is nearly 19 why are you making things up?

Tbh the 'why should we be supporting her (mum's) lifestyle' comments rile me. So that's it, you cut kids off dead financially the moment they leave school? Mumsnet comments seem a bit cutthroat on this.

Either the adult child gets a job and supports themselves or they go to further education and the Father supports the child direct. Why should the Mother be propped up to the tune of 1k a month and then only work PT?!

I’d be stepping down what she’s given to 0 very quickly and to him if he’s not back in FTE this academic year.

Hrs 19 he can claim universal credit.whilst looking for a job.

Is DSS finding it hard to think about himself because he worries about how his Mum will cope.

Your DH needs to seriously discuss what DSS is planning and what his available choices could be.
Does he wish to swap unis?
Or courses?
Take advice from career support at uni.

DSS could benefit from a part time job.

His mother could take in a boarder if her son moves away for uni., and not let her own needs dictate her son's career path.

It is normal to swap and change subjects and courses during first year uni.

Your DH should have a conversation with his DS. Money stops going to mum. He works out honestly what he wants to do and how much he needs per month for travel, bills. Dad continues to pay until he works out what he wants to do. Either way he needs to get a part time job if staying at uni and a full time job if leaving. Then review it.

How much is your DHs salary?
How much per month is DH paying?
How much CM did he pay before his DS turned 18?
What does DH think should happen?

I’d talk to DSS about what he intends to do. If he’s not enjoying uni, then he needs to get a job.

As for ex, there is no reason to be paying her maintenance now. As you say there’s no reason she can’t support herself. A past marriage isn’t a meal ticket for life.

But, talk it over with your DH, obviously.

Because supporting your child and giving your ex £1000 a month are two different things. My dad still supported me through uni. He paid my accommodation. He did not continue to send my mum money. I then got a part time job. I seriously doubt that £1000 is going entirely on their son. And if it is why can’t he have it directly? In this case from the sounds of it though, it seems like he would just give it to his mum anyway.
Supporting your son is not giving them money whilst they do nothing with their life. Help him get back on track, figure out what he wants to do with his life. If you can support a bit financially then that’s a choice. Some parents can’t. I don’t think it will do any harm for him to learn that money comes from working for it. Unless you’re privileged enough to come from money that you don’t need to work. Then I guess it’s your choice if you wish to raise an entitled child.
No one is saying don’t support your son/DSS.