Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

[toottootbeepbeeep]

DSS is nearly 19, he got accepted into a great uni on a great course that was his decision. He hasn’t settled. Spent his first year pausing units, dropping courses and basically doing nothing productive. He’s now not sure if uni is for him. DH and I still contribute towards his costs at home whilst he is living with his mum. He currently doesn’t work and his mum works part time. DH and I both work FT.
AIBU to think this should stop now?
I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

Your step-son is 19, and any financial help given, should be paid directly to him. Your husband is not responsible for supporting his son's Mum. Unless there's MH or physical health problems, as to why she isn't working full-time, then it's time she did.

As for your step-son, he needs to make a decision regarding university. There's no point continuing in a course that he dislikes and is struggling with university life. He needs to find a part-time job.

He sounds like he is really struggling. I'm not sure I'd call it a lifestyle.

That's a bit less than my daughter spends, but not by much. Rent is slightly under 6k and she spends £250. So about 9k in total. Min loan plus 300 a month is over 8k. My daughter has more to spend as we pay rent and she has the loan. But she's pretty frugal and doesn't spend much.

Wow! Is your child living like royalty? Our yp get minimum loan to live off, which gives them more than £100 a week term time, they work in the holidays and we pay all accommodation costs.

If he’s at uni you should be supporting him. If he’s dropped out then he should be looking for a job but if he’s is genuinely looking but struggling to find something or genuinely suffering health wise and needs a bit of time to recover then I would help support him whilst he gets things together.

if he’s just messing around and taking advantage/doing nothing then I wouldn’t support him.

if he starts another course/training programme etc then I would look into what support is needed depending on the situation.

You may be within your "rights" to do so but be careful what you wish for. He might move in with you if his mum suddenly struggles to support him!

It's normal for him to still need some support at this age. By all means talk about the level of support, but if you lived with him you wouldn't be thinking of withdrawing absolute basics like food so cutting him down to zero seems unreasonable to me. Treat him like you like him, at least a little.

you're not unreasonable at all...except, why would he just be his mother's problem?

"Their" lifestyle? I thought you said it was just one 19 year old stepson, in which case it is 'his' lifetyle..

This is not an unusual scenario, many young people have great difficulty with their first year of university, some drop out altogether and come home. There is so much more to the first year than study, a new and quite adult experience altogether, often scary. That's why many are encouraged to have a gap year and learn to be a little independent before commencing higher education.

The lad is only nineteen, give him a break. He needs time and space to sort his head and life out without pressure. Another year won't make much difference to you. Don't be mean, it's not forever.

I’m sure lots of people would also struggle without an extra £1,000 a month which is why they need to work full time if able… time to up her hours.

Wow.

All these kids who suddenly become self sufficient and self funding once they hit 18/19. Who knew.

My children are 21 and above. Two working, one travelling. If they need anything, I give it to them. Just as they treat me to meals out and things for the house. I'll never stop helping my kids in anyway they need. Even the one who has chosen to travel for a few weeks and doesn't yet have a job.

Er, you are paying your yp rent whereas we are using her maintenance loan and topping up the rent as the loan doesn’t come close to covering it. Sounds like we give our dc similar just in a different way so no, not living like royalty. Halls cost £222 a week (just over 9k a year and loan it’s 5k so we have to top up).

Your yp gets £100 per week whereas mine will get £320 per month… so yours actually gets more!

Rent is more than £9k… didn’t realise it varied quite so much in halls.

We funded our children until the September after they finished education (both went to uni) by then they were both working full time and they started paying board

I think most parents would try and help out
But not to the tune of £1000/ month
Hes 19 he can look for a job
And claim universal credit in the meantime
And his mum can work full time.

I think he needs to decide to either quit uni or get a job. If he continues at uni I would give him some money each month not pay it directly to his mum. If he quits uni I would give him some money while he applies for jobs, once he has a job I’d stop giving him money but pay for lunch when you go out, or if you go shopping with him treat him to a new top that sort of thing. Not paying his mum directly will hopefully give her the push she might need to increase her hours

I assume it's because you pay accommodation costs whereas the other poster doesn't.

Which is great if you can afford it. University costs are a huge struggle for some people.

It still costs money to house a uni student at home, why should it usually be the mum who bears that financial burden in a split family? DS seemed to have holiday half the year when at uni. He worked but that went towards his living costs whilst at uni.

Could he come and live with you @toottootbeepbeeep? Then you can see how much he actually costs?

Time to end the payments and tell DSS that you will support his engagement with education that helps further his career opportunities, but not with doing nothing. He needs to look into transferring course or university or he needs to knuckle dorm and get the qualification he applied for.

Its not the mum though
As shes only working part time

This is the thing that has to change.
It is admirable that DSS cares about how his mother would cope, but as he is now an adult himself, he is the one who should be paying his mother (for his lodgings / board / keep).
DH should pay the £1k direct to his son, and the son can have a discussion with his mother about how much he (DSS) pays her. DH should not be a part of this.

DSS needs to be told it is completely unacceptable for him to request that his father continues to pay his mother, and that he needs to step up and start managing his money like an adult.

Quite separately, DH can discuss with his son what his plans are, and when the £1k will stop being paid, e.g. after he graduates, or leaves uni before graduation. If he is no longer enrolled as a full time student, he needs to claim Universal Credit as an unemployed person.
Definitely don't stop the £1k suddenly, but maybe taper it off as part of a discussion about his future.

But if OP’s partner stops paying for DSS and mum started working FT she would still be bearing more costs of son if he lives with her at home during uni holidays. Most uni students don’t pay bed and board whilst at home in the holidays

If she was bearing the financial burden she’d be working full time. Working part time when you have university aged kids is self indulgent and her choice.

That sounds like a DH problem.

You don’t need to fund anything. Tell him you won’t be contributing and let him sort it out.

How has he done a year at University already if he's still 18?