Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

[toottootbeepbeeep]

DSS is nearly 19, he got accepted into a great uni on a great course that was his decision. He hasn’t settled. Spent his first year pausing units, dropping courses and basically doing nothing productive. He’s now not sure if uni is for him. DH and I still contribute towards his costs at home whilst he is living with his mum. He currently doesn’t work and his mum works part time. DH and I both work FT.
AIBU to think this should stop now?
I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

Obviously DON'T pay his mum! This is madness to pay his mum!

We live in Australia
We pay 2k AUD
He is in term 2
Started uni in Feb

Who does? I do. Me! In fact, even in the absence of a private pension and proper savings (my dh and myself) my favourite occupation is to throw money at my dc. Just throw it - gap year, shmap year, I don't care. Like a proper gypsy wedding - you know, when they throw gold coins and shower the newlyweds. This is better than sex on drugs (me) - I don't think I would have enjoyed it as much, had I had private pension and savings.

You’re paying his mum because she is the one who is housing him, paying for his food, electricity, clothes, everything he needs, while he either figures out uni or gets a job? She can’t simply stop contributing towards his home/food/living and so neither can his dad, surely that is obvious to you OP?

He needs support in either finding his feet with university, or in getting a job, and I agree that he needs to do one of those things but until he does his dad doesn’t get to just opt out of paying for his child therefore placing that entire burden on his mum. Unless you are offering for him to come and stay with you instead of course?

Why is it madness? She is the one paying for the house he lives in, his food, electricity, water, clothes, shoes, any spending money etc. Why don’t you think his dad should contribute to the costs of his son’s living?

At 19 I would be paying it to him rather than his mum and it’s between the two of them how it gets spent on the household.

Many young people who have graduated don’t have graduate jobs either (and even bigger debts to pay off)

Stop being grabby and think about what is best for DSS. Imagine your DH's next wife trying to get her hands on your children's money. How would you feel?

He's still 18. Nearly 19. Either way he's a very young adult. I certainly wouldn't cut mine off dead at that age. It's a huge transition and especially so if they're not 100% certain which direction to go in. And I wouldn't want them going into debt living at home, taking loans to pay a parent rent before they have a job/settle on an alternate course.

I think that your DSS and DH need to sit down and talk. It sounds as if this university/course isn't the right fit for him, so he needs to reevaluate and possibly transfer elsewhere. If the new academic year starts in January 2027, can he still apply to the university that his friends attend, for example?

Re. The money. Even though your DSS said to continue giving it to his Mum, your DH could suggest giving it directly to him and he can transfer a portion to his Mum for his share of the bills. It's not a bad thing to start learning how much it costs to run a household and will help him appreciate the value of money.

If he drops out completely or decides to take a gap year, obviously he needs a plan for that too.

Do not pay his mother!

Yep. I have one similar. Took them 3 years to bounce around at uni and work out what they wanted to do. Meanwhile we financed it.

Was a lot easier in our day (40 odd years ago), as in the main, degrees were not nearly as limited/specific as they are now. I estimate there are roughly 5 x the degrees available now vs when I went to uni.

Our other kids seemed to get it in one, but with this one they spent a few years trying to find the right fit. We didn’t penalise them for it.

My DD2 (19) is at uni. Her dad pays for her rent, I give her a smalll allowance and she has her student loan and a job.

DD1 (20) lives at home with me and works full time. She chose not to go to uni. We are about to ask her for £200 a month for rent and food-she has worked and loved rent free for 2 years since she left school. We will still technically be supporting her as obvs £200 is well below market rent. Her dad doesn’t contribute to her upkeep.

dad paid maintenance to me for both until they finished school after a levels. After that maintenance stopped as he said he would pay for their ongoing education direct and not to me.

I think it’s odd that your Dh is paying maintenance essentially to his ex wife and your DSS is contributing nothing at all to his own upkeep.
I don’t think all support should stop but 1k a month is excessive. If he chooses to support his mum going forwards by working and paying her rent (or giving her some of whatever his dad gives him) that’s up to him, but it shouldn’t be on your dh to subsided his ex wife going forwards-she has had time to plan for this. What if DSS stays living with her till he’s 45? Is Dh going to just carry on paying for him because she can’t afford it?

Not really. Maybe up until secondary age but after that I dont think that holds true at all. And lots of parents work full time throughout -as I had to-from the end of my marternity leave when the baby was 9 months old.
It’s all very well to say the mum is supporting the son by housing him etc. But she isn’t is she? The DH here is paying entirely for the son, the mum is paying for herself it seems, and not for him at all, though once we don’t know the housing situation-theres a big difference between mum and son sharing a bedsit to them living in a three bed house with a garden, subsided by DH.

@HoppingPavlova Yes, it can take time for young adults to figure out their pathway.

The only caution I'd give to the OP and her DH is to be careful about wasting money on university fees if the DSS is dropping/not completing classes. We're in the US where fees are high and I know someone who wasted thousands when her eldest DD did this several times. Your DSS needs to pay attention to the class withdrawal deadlines and if he doesn't like a class, drop it before he's on the hook for the full tuition.

It may be different in Australia, of course.

It’s madness because the mother is only working part time. When your children are adults there’s zero reason for part time work and it’s entitled to expect another adult to contribute towards household costs if she’s choosing to not work full time hours. When does it end? He’s going to leave home eventually so she’s going to have to stand on her own two feet then.

How is OP being grabby? I genuinely can’t see how you’ve come to this conclusion because how can you be grabby with your own money? It’s the mother being grabby if anything, the son is an adult now not an eight year old child.

But she is being expected to house the DSS. So even if working full time she would be bearing the brunt of housing, feeding etc the DSS

@sittingonabeach Personally, I think it would be better for the Dad to transfer his contribution towards living expenses directly to his son now that he's an adult and has left school. He can give his Mum whatever's needed for household expenses.

What people object to is not that there are people out there who are high earners, but that many of those high earners believe they are the only people who work hard, and that they are the only people who pay tax. The superiority of it all is tiresome and extremely short sighted and frankly, often based in untruths.

We know sod all about this woman and unless the split was very recent, neither does the OP. Upping hours isn't always straightforward, and neither is just finding a new job. We have no clue what effort she may be putting in to improve her situation. Nor do we know if she is entirely healthy and able to work full time. So many possible variables. Not always a matter of self indulgence or choice. Could be quite the opposite.

@Whatalunatic I was thinking the same thing.

She will need to prepare for her ex's contributions to end at some point in the next few years, though, they're unlikely to continue indefinitely. Or her son could move out.