AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

The father already sounds like he is stepping up. And the fact that he’d have to cope on his own if he was single is irrelevant because he isn’t single - he’s married, and one of the vows you make to each other is to be there in the bad times…. What’s the point of a spouse who thinks swanning off on a holiday is more important than supporting you at a really difficult time? A spouse who doesn’t seem to give a crap about their step child. Seriously what’s the point? That’s certainly what I’d be thinking.
And if I were the sister I would be offering to take the 4yr old so my sister could be there to help the rest of her family through such a horrible time, not making them feel like they were letting me down by not going. But this thread just shows there are a lot of people who would put themselves first without a second thought.

You've said your husband has asked you not to go as he is worried about dealing with everything alone if anything changes. For me that would mean I'd cancel. You might not be able to do much more in a practical sense. But if the worst happens, your husband is going to have a really terrible time supporting his son who has lost his mother - parenting doesn't get much more difficult than that. So personally I find it a bit strange that you don't want to offer him emotional support.

If I was going through an awful time and my husband still went on a holiday when I'd asked him to stay with me for support, I'd be really gutted and potentially reconsidering the relationship

Totally agree with this. I'd go, in your situation.

My instinct would be that it might be better for all of you if you and the younger child were out of the way so DH could have some time to focus fully on his son.
There's also his other child to consider who at 4 might benefit from a break from what is probably a sombre and anxious household at the moment, plus some one on one with you.
I think I'd try to persuade him to see these benefits while reassuring him you'll stay in regular contact and will come home if needed.

YABU. Your DH wants you to stay- to support him as much as anyone, presumably- during a potentially devastating event in his and your step-son’s life. I understand you feel you aren’t doing much right now, but if your DH’s ex were to deteriorate or, god forbid, pass away- then that may change, I think it would be really quite a statement for you to go, and not in a good way. I might think differently if your DH was telling you to go or happily waving you off into the sunset- but he isn’t. Or if it was out if your hands- e.g. you were travelling with work and the crisis had happened whilst you were already absent/or you could not get back immediately due to essential commitments.

Reverse this- you are going through a very upsetting and stressful time as you are facing a huge amount of uncertainty- including potentially having to navigate your child going through a parental bereavement- and your spouse buggers off on holiday with their sibling, despite you asking them not to. How would you feel? Loved, supported, valued? Probably not, even if outside of this particular event all is good and you are a wonderful partner. I’d say if you go, then you run the very real risk that what your DH will feel and remember is how you acted when he needed you- especially if the worst were to happen to his ex-wife. That might not be fair or reflective of your partnership as a whole, but in his shoes I’d be so hurt that your prioritise a holiday over supporting me during a family crisis. After all, how you behave during the hardest times says more about your partner and your relationship than the good times do.

A 5 day holiday can be rebooked. Your DH (and possibly your DSS, I suppose, though less likely) may well not forget that you chose to absent yourself at this time.

i’d also say if you are abroad, even if you are at a destination with very regular flights to the UK you might not be able to just pop home- flights may be booked, for instance. Can you afford a potentially expensive last minute flight for you and your child?

This! I would absolutely go. I also understood your initial wording Op!

Even if your DH asked you to stay? If my DH did that to me, when I’d asked him to stay and support me, I would be so very hurt. I’m sure it would have a negative impact on our relationship and would require some repairing, at the very least. I’m not sure it would be quickly forgotten that when the chips were down… a lovely holiday was more important than anything else. In OP’s shoes I’m reasonably sure I would utterly fail to enjoy a holiday whilst mt
y DH was dealing with a crisis at home; worrying what was happening, if my DH was ok and how I’d need to get back if things changed. I’d be on edge.

It would certainly make me re-evaluate my importance to my partner if they not only insisted they go when I’d asked them to cancel, but also spent their energies on persuading me that it’s actually better for me for them to go on a jolly holiday during what could be one of the hardest things I might have to do (console my child through the loss of their parent). Some empty reassurance that they’d “be in regular contact” and could come home if needed (may not be possible).

It's his kid

Your holiday is in the next couple of weeks. Could you see how it goes and make a decision nearer the time? If you cancel surely it makes no difference whether you cancel now or 2 minutes before, providing your sister would be happy to go without you.

Initially my thinking was it would be good for you to be out of the way (not in a bad way) to give H and DSS some space but given that he is asking you to stay to give him support, I’d strongly think about cancelling.

would your 4yo be okay going without you?

I also don't think you should go. Your husband will need support and your step son will also be looking to you for support as well and if you are not there especially if the worst happens I think it could make relations hard to repair, especially as your husband has asked you not to go.

Yes it's his kid but he's not asking for support with buying his school uniform FFS. He's asking the OP to stay in case the worst happens and he has to deal with telling his child his mother has died and the absolute devastation that will bring.

That will be harrowing. Who is supporting the DH after dealing with one of the worse situations a parent can imagine if his wife isn't there. No one expects to tell a child their mother has died, I imagine he may need some support with that despite it being "his kid".

Honest to God, something seriously wrong with your empathy ability.

You don’t go. I’m really surprised by the voting tbh. Even if my dh hadn’t asked me to stay, I still wouldn’t be going.

For me it would depend on the reason DH wants you there. Do DH or DSS need your emotional/logistical support? If so I think you need to cancel the holiday. Is it just a knee jerk reaction when in reality taking your 4YO out of the situation for a few days would be beneficial, then go. But I wouldn't go without talking it through with DH and making the decision together.

It’s not your Ss’s family crisis; it’s your DH’s too. He obviously needs your emotional support and not to feel alone during this time

I'm sure I'd be quietly disappointed at missing the holiday, but honestly, if my husband asked me to stay, I'd stay.

I'm generally pretty independent and happy to go off and do my own thing, but even while feeling like a 'spare part', I think it's just about 'being there' for your husband and DSS. You may not be doing much, but you're there, as a physical presence. Yes, they can know deep down that you'd drop everything and come home in an emergency, but they'd rather have the emotional back up of you just being there.

If you go on the holiday, how will it affect your relationship with DH long term?

He’s got his Dad why are you needed? Just go it’s only 5 days

I think you can go. You can maybe prep a couple of meals for the freezer and buy in a few extra treats. You don't need to announce that you're going on a lovely jolly to DSS. Just tell him that you are taking 4yo away for a few days with your DSis and you hope he can enjoy the peace and quiet, tell him that you love him and to call you if he wants to talk about anything and you'll be back soon.

My family are all extremely practical and none of us would dream of asking someone to cancel a holiday to provide unspecified "support". You csn be on the phone to DH every night, you can order him a food shop if he needs it. You don't need to physically be there.

There is going to be a lot that you do for DH and DSS over the coming months that will be a great help and support for them. You csn take a few days for yourself.

The word unfortunately really stood out to me to. I feel sad for this boy as regardless of his mum’s health outcomes, the step mother clearly doesn’t like him.

And she’s his wife. They are still her family.

@Gish889 Def go!! I think people are missing out that this has been going on for MONTHS. You shouldn't put your life and your 4 y olds life on hold indefinately. 5 days away will give you strength to continue supporting everyone.

I suspect your DSS would actually value proper 1:1 time with his dad right now anyway. I might be wrong, I just think it could help him to have his dad on his own away from you and his younger sibling. Poor kid.

Thinking about this further, your DSS is 13. This terrible accident and trauma is at an absolutely pivotal time in his life. I understand your intentions about the holiday are well meaning but I’m worried for you about the optics of that to a 13 yo. Coupled with the fact your husband has asked you not to and that he’s said he needs you during this really scary time, I really think you shouldn’t go.

If my husband needed me there, for very good reasons, as yours does, I’d cancel the holiday.

I got what you meant 💐