AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

If my DH was facing such a difficult time and asked me to stay I wouldn’t even dream of doing something else. I can’t believe you’re considering going tbh. If I expressed tk my DH in needed him, I wouldn’t even dream expect him to be there no questions asked!

Some of these responses are brutal and clearly written by people who haven't experienced the kind of devastating loss that OP's DSS may face.

He's a child and will need all the support he can get if his mum dies but some ppl, mothers no less, think the OP shouldn't disappoint her sister who can holiday on another occasion ffs. Where's the empathy for this child.

It sounds like you may soon be his mother figure OP whether you want to be or not. When the chips are down you realise who was there for you and who wasn't. Review nearer the time but if the situation isn't clear you can holiday any other time, his mother will only die once and he will remember if you were on holiday.

And I don't know why some pps are making comparisons to elderly long term ill relatives and life goes on comments as if that's in any way comparable to a child about to possibly have probably the worst situation he's ever experienced

I’d stay. I understand that you feel like a loose part right now, but you’ll all remember if you weren’t there to support them if the worst happens whilst you’re away.

Clearly means “unfortunately” because his mum may “unfortunately” die !

I don't have stepchildren but I can't imagine ever leaving my DH to handle something so momentous without my support.

It would be different if he'd said it would be helpful to have some space without you and your youngest, but he wants you there... seeing his son deal with the potential loss of his mother is probably one of the hardest things he'll ever have to do. He needs to concentrate on supporting his son, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need support himself. This is the person you chose to spend your life with, you need to be there for him.

We're all second-guessing how OP's husband and DSS might feel, but we don't know. DH might have been saying "please don't go - I need you" or he might have meant "I wouldn't go if I had a holiday booked" without feeling too strongly about it. A gentle discussion is needed of what DH wants, whether he's thought through how things would be with 4yo out of the way, whether that might be better for DSS etc. At the end of all that you can say "If you really feel you want me for support, I'll do it. But I wanted to talk it through to check."

There is an understandable draw to say "Cancel the holiday and hang the cost" when something scarey is happening. But if it wouldn't actually help then it is a pointless sacrifice which impacts not just OP and her youngest, but also her sister and child. Sometimes people feel pressure to make a grand gesture. I think what OP needs is to show her husband and DS that she cares, but that does not necessarily need to be by cancelling this short trip. I expect she has done, and will do, plenty of other things to show support and care.

I’d have thought it was a good time to let the two of them have some time alone without you and younger DS in the way!

I can't believe how many people are saying go. There's something wrong with all of you.

This will be the worst thing to ever happen to this boy, hence one of the worst things to ever happen to DH, how the fuck is anyone jetting off to Spain in the midst of this.

Sounds like your last chance for a term time holiday with your dsis and her child, with your child. The accident reminds us how short life can be. Go on the holiday. Encourage DH to see it as one to one time with his DS and remind him that he's a great parent and will do a good job.

I think you have several talks with dh. If he really doesnt want you to go and he feels he needs you then I would be having a serious think
There isnt logic to this it comes down to your dh feelings
My first thought was of course you should go your not needed but my dh pointed out if it was him he would really want me there every night to be supportive as he would be supporting his son, someone to lean on.

There are a lot of answers like this. With the greatest of respect I wonder how many of you have dealt with truly chaotic and brutal blended family dynamics. I have with teenagers v my own young children and I promise you it’s really difficult to be there fully supporting especially when you have a young child to look after and are slightly on the outside of what is happening. She is going away for 5 days not moving out.

If his mum dies, he will always remember that you were on holiday when it happened. Of course you should stay. There will be other holidays.

Are there grandparents around to also help. Potentially your husbands parents? To support their son and grandson for a bit if you are away.
is the boy going back to school? It’s not clear if this is the end or a readjustment period to a new normal with maybe life changing injuries.

I think you should go.
you are also feeling pressure and your life may completely change.
Get away as you may never get to do it again.

in the nicer way, DSD needs his dad right now and it may be better for him to have you and little one away- it’s not even for long either.

Also your dh can be alone for 5 days without worrying about you and youngest.

Your little one deserves to get away. The little one will be picking up vibes even though you are trying to hide things.

Go and have a good time.

And I wonder how many people telling OP to go have lost their mother at 13.

In your situation I'd be very much guided by my husband's wishes but definitely wouldn't be mad keen on going on holiday.

Even if you don't have lots of practical purpose right now, I think it just sends an awful message that you don't care.

It’s about just being there (to me). It doesn’t matter that there’s not a lot you can do, it’s being there so your dh can reason through things with you, talk to you about it all and potentially get a break at times. Can you not put off the holiday?

I would go. He has his dad and his grandparents.

I'd discuss it in more detail with your husband and find out why, specifically, he wants you and your 4yo at home/doesn't want you to go. In his place, I have a hard time thinking of a reason why I would NOT want my 4 year old off on a nice holiday even if it's only for a few days rather than dealing with the tense, unhappy atmosphere at home - which, unfortunately, is almost certain to get worse. Is he thinking it's inappropriate for you to go (bad optics)? Ethically wrong as he imagines you 'having fun' while he and SS are distressed? Thinks it will upset SS (which it might or might not - it sounds like he was never included in the trip anyway and that wasn't an issue, and he may welcome having full attention from his dad during this time)? Or is there something you're contributing and you may not even be aware of how important it is to your husband? Does he understand you'd be willing and able to cut the trip short and get home in a few hours if needed?

Well if a man had a holiday booked and something happened at home would he be told by mn to cancel his holiday? And he needs to man up and put his family first?

This is of the collective mn double standard not of the op

Agree with @spirah - he needs his dad to step up now, not his step mum and younger sibling in the way. If you weren’t on the scene, his dad would have had to cope. Your DH also won’t be able to be much of a dad to the little one if he’s dealing with the ill DM and his son. Go, enjoy yourself as planned and be there for whatever might be needed in a week’s time.

My dad died when I was 13, quite frankly it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I have experienced other tough times on my life. I remember sobbing on various relatives shoulders.

I just wouldn't be able to reconcile my step parent going on a jolly, whilst I was at home grieving.

If there is a chance his mum is going to die then I couldn't go. Not so much for the child, and I don't mean he's not important but because he will have his dad, but who will H have? Having to support a child through the loss of a parent , maybe even break the news, is unimaginable, your husband would need support in them circumstances to enable him to do the best by his son.

There is absolutely no way I would go on holiday under these circumstances. This is a time to come together as a family, to do all you can to support your DH and DSS. Not because your DH can’t take care of his son alone. Of course he can. But he must be in complete turmoil and desperately worried about his son. I can imagine that your presence and support would mean the world to him. And for your DSS, your child’s brother. He must be deeply involved in the trauma and fear for his mother. Just think about how he feels. He’s experiencing what is probably the worst time of his life. In years to come, do you want him to remember that you were there for him? Or will his memory of these dark days include the knowledge that you prioritised a holiday?

I think I can understand your DH wanting you there but his son might be happy for it just to be him and Dad for a few days. It sounds like this is going to be a long term issue so you have your break now and will be there for them when you get back.