AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

It depends how you look at it, doesn't it?
To you this is a selfish woman wanting a 'jolly holiday' when she should be supporting her poor husband who needs her. So one adults wishes against another, with his trumping hers.
While I'm trying to think about two parents doing what might be best for the children, and I said in my post why I think the OPs plans might be better.
I'm very surprised you'd want your husband to 'repair your relationship' on the basis of having a different view on what's best for your family in this situation.
As parents its often about a bigger picture than 'you must be there when I want you' isn't it? There are children to consider, one who needs his dad, and another very small child who probably needs some attention too.
I think it's entirely reasonable for a parent who sees this perspective to try and persuade another who appears not to to see beyond their own wishes.
If the OP was planning on a trip with her friends, solely for her benefit then I'd think differently. But a trip with small children is parenting work in a different location, not a selfish 'jolly'.

You should go

Ooof thats cold...no compassion for a kid you've known for years and lives with you for part of the time? Wow

YABU
DSS is 13. He is obviously going through a very tough time and could view this as you abandoning him when he needs you in favour of your DS
Holidays can be rebooked
Being there now for DH and DSS can never be time bought back

That was my take, too, it would give them 1:1 time.

It’s his kid that is fact & there is another equally important bio child of OP that will miss out because of all this drama & that is not fair, I suspect they could do with a break with their mum

Then why can’t she parent and pay attention to her younger child whilst staying at home to support her DH (and perhaps more indirectly, her DSS)? Why does she need to be on holiday to do that? She can parent and lavish attention on her 4 year old without travelling abroad, surely? I mean, I doubt she’d look at this situation and say “I know what would make this so much better- I’ll plan a holiday abroad for me and my child, and leave DH to it”.

And, yes, if I specifically asked for support during a crisis, especially one involving my child, but my husband decided a nice holiday (or choosing to “parent abroad”, if you prefer to call it that) so that he and another different child could have a relaxing break and the other child have undivided attention, leaving me to deal with everything alone and without emotional support, I think I would be very deeply hurt. In that scenario, I think if one partner is enduring a significant crisis (which I would say this is), then their needs take priority on that occasion.

This is not as simple as partners having “different opinions” on something like where to go on holiday or if they should paint the hall cream or eggshell, or something fairly trivial. So, yes, if I asked my DH for help during one of the most difficult times of my life and he chose (because he had a different opinion on whether I needed to be helped/how I needed to be supported/wanted to parent elsewhere) I would be very deeply hurt. If your partner can’t prioritise you when the chips are down, I think that is inevitably going to be hurtful and, ultimately, harmful to your relationship. This isn’t a parenting choice, this is OP deciding her and her DC’s enjoyment of a holiday is more important than giving the support requested by her DH. A holiday abroad is not essential at any time, it certainly isn’t now. She can spend time with her 4 year old DC at home, or even going on day trips- she does not need to absent herself for 5 days to pay more attention to the 4 year old.

If the ex suddenly deteriorates or even sadly dies whilst she’s on holiday, it will take her time to get home. Let’s face, best case scenario it will take hours to arrange a flight and get to the airport- that’s assuming there is a flight with seats available within a few hours and she can get on the plane in time. It might even be a day or so- no guarantees she’s home quickly. If things do deteriorate and the worst happens there is a real possibility that what her DH will remember is she chose a holiday over supporting him.

But why should she come home if SS mum dies, what difference would that make, the SS will need support & he can get that from his Dad.

except, he has asked op not to go? So presumably that is not what he think he and his son need. I think when there is a crisis the expressed needs of the ones affected should probably be prioritised/listened to. It would be fine if OP’s dh had encouraged her to go, but he asked the opposite. In this4 circumstances would you really shrug off his request and say “nah, you’ll be fine”?

Your husband has asked you not to go . So don’t go.
A 4 year old will bounce back from that disappointment over an older child potentially losing their mother.
Husband and stepson need to be the priority.

Hence why I wouldn't be in that situation.

I don’t know- to support her husband who might find consoling his bereaved 13 year old son very distressing, and might need (or just want) emotional and practical support from his spouse? Odd thing, I am beginning to think, to expect support from your partner and to be prioritised in a crisis, when the alternative is a holiday.

And you know, she might even have some feelings for her DSS (who she has known for a long time), who will be going through one of the most difficult things a child can experience… and want to be there, even if only peripherally or for practical help….. but maybe not.

MN is an odd place sometimes- step-children not being invited on family holidays to to step-family weddings is matter over which to cease all contact with the non-inclusive family- or even divorce if the step-parent does not immediately demand a change in behaviour from their family and support the step-child. But choosing to go on holiday with your dC, when your DH has asked you to be stay and support him whilst he navigates dealing with a serious situation in which his son (op’s step-son) may lose his mother- that’s absolutely fine. because she is prioritising herself and the younger child (and obviously a holiday is the only way to do that in these circumstances), and possibly even being self-sacrificing by giving her dh and dss time for 1:1. I don’t get it, at all. If that’s what her DH asked for, then yes- go on holiday. He asked for the opposite and that should count for something.

There are times in life when someone you care about tells you they need you to be there for them. This is one of those times. It doesn't really matter whether other people would cope differently in the same circumstances. What matters is that your DH (who sounds like a decent man) has asked you to be there for him and his child. Coping with a child who is dealing with trauma and facing possible bereavement is not easy. This is his child and part of your family.
You may feel like a spare part but you are likely not. Keeping the household going by doing the normal stuff is probably the very thing helping him stay on top of the other stuff. Someone in this situation is often right on the line emotionally between coping and not coping. Having someone there in the background keeping things normal is an absolute game changer.
He's asked you not to go. Respect that. A holiday is great but not when it means leaving the people you love to cope alone.

Urgh. A 13 year old kids mother may die, he’s not a stranger, he may be living with you shortly. I’d also not go but then I find the lack of expectations from step parents towards their step children shown on this website as weird anyway.

He’s 13 and possibly about to experience one of the most traumatic experiences of his life. That’s why she shouldn’t go.

He’s got his Dad to support him with any trauma, it’s 5 days & the OP bio child should get a break from all this

Yeah fuck the step child. Poor own child may never go on holiday again!

YANBU, but I really hope you are KIND to your poor DSS.

Imagine if your toddler was in the same position, and his Stepmother said UNFORTUNATELY we might have to look after him permanently.

How would you feel about that??

I think your current attitude is pretty ugly.

Some of the posts are why step parents supposedly get a hard time on here. They are completely lacking in empathy. A 4 year old biological child’s disappointment about missing a holiday trumps a grieving step child every time!

Why is a 4 year old out of school anyway or do you mean half term which is 6-7 weeks away?

Can your sister go and take your child?

I would go on the holiday as it is all booked and you would be letting your sister, niece/nephew and your own child down if you backed out now. 5 days is not long and nothing at all could change in that time. It will be good for your DSS to have his dad to himself at this difficult time I think.

yes heaven forbid she should let her sister down by pulling out of a holiday. Much more reasonable to disappoint your husband at a time of great stress and trauma and a poor 13 yr old child dealing with the worst nightmare possible!
Her husband has expressed his need for her to be there and yes that does trump everybody else's needs at present because this is an emergency situation.

But how long does everyone live in “emergency mode” -don’t people have to work and/or attend school? How is all that being handled.

That child will remember forever that while his mum was potentially lying on her deathbed, you fucked off on holiday.

If the situation is unchanged or improved by the time you're due to go then I'd go but with the idea that if she does pass you'll come back, and if she does sadly pass before your due to go then I'd stay.