AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

No, you shouldn’t go and the poll would be very different if it was the DH going way on a holiday

In this instance i would not go away. I would want to present a united front for stepson. This is a terrible situation for him.

I don’t think I’d want to cancel either. You’re taking your shared child with you so perhaps it would give your DH and DSS some valuable quiet time together

4 year olds are not of complusary school age so moot point

True.

This could he a rocky ride for everyone, including the younger child.

It's his kid, but to go on holiday now... what if the mum dies, brilliant you leave your husband to deal with it on his own.

Twist it slightly, it's ops mil in hospital, the fil requires care that mil usually gives, is it ok to holiday then?

Agree it's a thing I wouldn't do either

I understand how sensitive people are about blended families, but this is a delicate situation. This child has one mother and one father. If the OP is ultimately going to fill the space occupied by his mother (not emotionally obviously but practically) that has to be very gently done.

I’m finding people’s outrage quite weird to be honest, and not at all considerate of the boy’s feelings. He may be about to lose his mother, he doesn’t need an overeager step mum hovering to fill the gap.

Let him have time with his father, OP. Build the new family slowly.

What do you mean, it's been going on for months? The OP states clearly that the accident occurred a couple of weeks ago.

Of course you should go. DH will just have to parent solo, as im sure youve had to many times.

I think you should still go H can deal with whatever happens he is his boys dad its his job .. its also unfair on the little one to miss out on a short break... its a break that you will need if this situation worsens you will be far better help to H & SS refreshed from a break away with your little one x

I think this too.

Full disclosure: I have been in a similar (though not identical) situation, which may be why I feel so strongly about this. In my situation, the elder child was 12, and there were two younger children of 4 and 2. The elder child's parent was in hospital and ultimately died. That child was understandably devastated but very much appreciated having the younger kids around. They were very close and just their presence was immensely comforting. The adults did all they could as well, and the child turned to both of them, including the one who was not biologically related. It was a terrible, traumatic, life-changing situation. But everyone in my family came together. I truly can't imagine the emotional anguish that might have ensued if the non-related adult had chosen to go on holiday with the younger children, at a time when the elder child's world was falling apart.

This is a horrific situation for DSS and as a result your DH. DH has asked you not to go and honestly it should then just be that simple that you don't go. That has to be your priority. Honestly, if you went when he's asked you not to in this situation I'd consider that marriage ending.

You also need to show DSS that he is a full, wanted and loved part of your family and being on holiday whilst he goes through this absolutely doesn't.

You and a 4 year old being disappointed about missing a holiday doesn't compare to the feelings and needs of DSS and DH at the moment.

Parenting solo is shopping, getting the child dress and fed. It's not dealing with the the trauma of a child possibly losing his mother.

It’s only 5 days if it was mil then I could cope for that short amount of time. It’s not like a 2 week holiday

It's abroad but only Europe so I could potentially get home on a 3hr flight if needed.
That doesn't mean you are home in 3 hours. The airline may not fly out everyday, there maybe no seats. Its not as simple as saying uts only 3 hour flight.

Your dh has asked you not go.
I can only speak from my experience and that dh asks very little from me and shoulders a lot of extended family responsibility. If he asked me not to go in circumstances like yours I would be listening and understanding he is emotionally struggling.
I would quite possibly want to still go away but realise sometimes your plans get a curve thrown at them. I think you need to unite as a family, even if you feel like a spare part.

I agree. It's a three hour flight away, so it's much longer than that practically with getting to the airport, check in, flying, getting luggage, travelling from airport. It's the best part of a day away.

OP if I were your DH and you went away I would reconsider the marriage.

I don't think I'd enjoy being away from them in those circumstances, I'd be upset myself. SS needs as many people on his side as he can get at the moment.

well the husband doesn't agree and he should know

There's absolutely no way I would go away in this situation. You have been in this boy's life since he was 5 years old, you may soon become the closest thing he has to a mother, and you want to bugger off on holiday as he faces the hardest time in his life?! That poor child. Your husband has asked you to stay. They need your support. They are your family. And you are worried about the money you will lose if you cancel a holiday. I have no words.

I would stay home as I would be too upset and worried to be able to enjoy a holiday. I also wouldn’t leave my DH or stepchild to deal with this alone. However I wouldn’t judge anyone else that did still go away, I think it really depends on your family. Every family does things differently and only you and your husband will know what’s best for you all.

You should go on your holiday and your DH needs to make arrangements to look after his son..

While I am kind of appalled at all the people saying go on holiday, I can absolutely imagine this behaviour from some members of my family. Wanting to be sensible and all that.

But this is a really traumatic situation, and the emotionally intelligent thing to do is be present for your husband and step child. Face whatever comes as a family.

The fact that your husband has asked you to stay would be enough if I was in your shoes. Why on earth do you think you understand this situation and his needs better than him? (Or do you want to escape the doom and gloom?)