It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

Update - my mum has just turned up with dd, had no idea she went out. My mum had called dd an hour ago to double check that they had got something for my birthday as she too was under the impression that dd was going with her friend shopping. Obviously dd said no so my mum picked her up and took her to Asda to get me something.

Not sure what to do now….if my mum hadn’t called then neither do them would have got me anything.

My mum is a complete people pleaser - absolutely no chance she would have told the dc they need to do better. She’s a fixer but never tried to resolve anything. She just came in and told me not to look in the cupboard under the stairs.

still feel crap about the situation- although grateful to my mum. Will
see how the dc are in the morning.

Ive always hated my birthday since being with my ex as he would always find a way to ruin it. My day was never about me. Then at Christmas I was always cheated on etc….ont Christmas it also came out that my dad was having an affair.

i still live Christmas and everything that comes with it as the day isn’t solely about me. My birthday can do one….painful memories and then this overwhelming guilt that I want to feel just a little bit special.

This! Although it sounds harsh, what an impact it would have when one of them is bleating “ it’s my birthday, where are my presents?” You could respond “ Oh, from your example on my special day, I understood we don’t celebrate birthdays in this family”
Immature in a way but honestly, this is atrocious to hear. As a single parent myself, mine did try even when they were too young to have any money. On my 40th, immediately after a police incident of domestic violence, my eldest, aged 9 gave me a notebook of his own with a loving inscription in it. There’s absolutely no excuse! Please don’t be crushed, we all wish you well. X

I did 2 years worth of therapy. I know exactly why I am the way I am 100%. I don’t necessarily put it on my children to fix my childhood trauma but I will admit I have spent too much time making sure they don’t experience what I did.

i can’t hug my mum - even though she does a lot for me, hugging her is just a no. My dad im better with now but he also likes a hug - and through therapy I’ve forgiven him for his mistakes. I’m thankful to him as he also realises his mistakes and now has time for me and my kids. He is the grandad to my kids that I needed as a dad and that means the world.

I will read my post back to see where I have said ‘I make them say I love you’ back….i tell my kids I love them but I don’t force them to say it back.

Where are you based op?

lets arrange a very unmumsnet brunch.
We’ll drink Bellinis and eat cake!

if you’re near central London I’m in!

Happy birthday. I am afraid this is standard behaviour for teenagers and children generally. DiL remarked that her DD's boyfriend made more effort than any of her (adult) DC or DGC (except those young enough to be organised by their mother, not their father, DiL's DS). If you want a birthday celebration go do something you love, eat what you like and ignore them...it was ever so...

I like this. “You are almost grown and it’s time to start taking responsibility. Acknowledging your own mother’s birthday is not a lot to ask. If you don’t want to do birthdays anymore then we stop all gifts etc from now on”

Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

Sorry your teens are ignoring your birthday.

Not all teens are selfish, I think people are too quick to excuse their poor behaviour as normal teen behaviour. It’s not normal, they should be picked up on it.

I was raised by a single mum (no dad on the scene), I always made sure to make a card or present. When I was older and had my own money from pocket money or from a Saturday job, I always made sure to get a card and presents. It might have been small or cheaper but I put effort into it.

I still make a fuss at birthdays & Christmas, I don’t tend to buy generic gifts, I put thought into it and get gifts that I know she’ll like or appreciate. I guess I’ve always put effort into gifts for others, I always thought it was because I was raised by a single mum and we never had a lot of money, so valued what we gave each other as we had made it or put thought into it.

Hopefully they’ll grow up and be more thoughtful.

I hope you have a good day tomorrow regardless.

I agree with this. They need to know how you feel otherwise they will grow up thinking the world revolves around them and you are just there to be of service.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW!! Can you take yourself off to a spa and then a meal? Get yourself a stand out takeaway, a gorgeous slice of cake with some candles and don't share any of it with the kids 😂

First of all, Happy Birthday!!
Second- Teenagers are very self centred, undoubtedly. But also, if they’ve been brought up believing that they’re the most important thing in the world they’ll happily believe it, so that’s how they’ll behave ie they see you as being there for them but with no need for reciprocation. It sounds like they don’t have to take responsibility for anything much, as you sort it all for them.
Talk to them, remind them that they are part of a family and you are not there just to service their needs. You expect some respect and consideration. And start drawing boundaries and giving consequences. It’ll be tough to do, but will be good for them as well as you.

I am so sorry OP.

Assuming you have a day off tomorrow with no work or anything I would 100% take myself out for the day and bugger the lot of them!

Get yourself dressed in something that makes you feel lovely and spend the day doing things you enjoy; brunch, shopping, stroll around a gallery or museum, visit a bookshop or just wander around your local town. You can have a lovely time on your own and do things you want to do with no compromise. Just suit yourself.

I'd be tempted to spend some of the money I was saving for my DCs birthdays too! Sod them OP. Treat yourself. Hope you have a lovely birthday tomorrow whatever you decide to do 💐

Aww thank you so much but im up north. I was in London at the weekend - hence my username as ‘canary wharf’ - just the first thing that came to mind.

Your offer has more than made my day though so thank you very much for that!

I think you need to take a step back @canarywharfs. On the kids birthdays id get them a card and a token gift. If they kick off I'd tell them that i
thought they weren't really bothered about birthday's seen as they didn't bother with yours and pit no thought into it. Rinse and repeat.

It sucks OP. But I wish you a very happy birthday for tomorrow and hope you can go something nice for yourself 😊.

When you get your gift from your mum daughter just say thank you, put the gift to the side and carry on with your day spoiling YOURSELF.

No, it's not. Mine never forgot when they were teenagers, nor did my siblings' or friends' DC. It's self centred of them not to care, it's rude and disrespectful.
She's their mother. It's a basic courtesy.

I agree. Just do something to please yourself!

Your trauma has confused you OP.
They are most certainly not nice children.
You do too much and have taught them to accept and not to give.
They will treat their partners like they treat you.

You need to love them enough to see the truth and take action.
Otherwise you will have raised street angels and horrible selfish house monsters.

Nothing dramatic, just dial it right back.
Still be their mum, but start doing less, saying no at least 50% of the time.

You cannot change them unless they fully want to be better.

By showing them that not everyone will tolerate their selfishness, you are gifting them something of huge value.

Do it while you have the chance.
Happy birthday.

I agree, certainly no more nice weekends away. They're taking you for granted. Time to pull back, and focus on yourself more.

I think you should spell it out to them. You shouldn’t have to but it appears you do!

I'm a single parent too and my ex is useless. I always make sure the kids have something for him for Father’s Day or his birthday even though I can’t stand him because it’s teaching them to do nice things for others. He would never do the same. One year they did nothing for Mother’s Day- not even a handmade card and they got a right bollocking from me. Never happened again and they put thought into occasions now. I don’t expect them to spend money they don’t have but they can bake something and make a card!

Good advice 👍🏼

No, I wouldn't do this this time.

Thank you DD for present tomorrow, like others said, but also do some things for you.

In a few days time say to DD it really isn't up to her gramdmother to faciliate her getting her mum a card and present. Presumably you don't live in the back of beyond so she can get herself to the shops.
Getting a card and present for someone you live with on their birthday is just good manners.

Maybe we should throw a party here for you..? PArty thread?

Bring Your OWn😍

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I agree with what others have said. Your teens don't need as much as you do for them. It would be good for them to go without all the extras. It would not be good if they grew up expecting all that.
Go on, treat yourself, blow them. I would be tempted to ignore their birthdays apart from a card.
If you go to,a cafe especially if it's one where you're known, tell them that it's your birthday. They might treat you!
Whatever you do enjoy it!

Happy birthday!

What shits they are. Very selfish, not to even care how you are feeling when you do so much for them.

I don't think it matters if they have been spoilt, surely they have a heart?!

Please do something for yourself! Actually, do loads for yourself. And much less for them.

They don't appreciate it.

I have lots of friends with teens and they'd never dream of ignoring a parent's birthday.

Time to ignore theirs.