It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

I think one of the key things here, OP is that it was your 40th last year and you TOLD them how upset you were that they hadn't bothered. It changed nothing, and didn't make them feel guilty.

You've made it clear again this year that you wanted an effort and they might be saying 'sorry' now, but clearly haven't yet got the message.

Do they buy you Christmas presents? If not, then I would genuinely buy nothing this year for them. Tell them that you assumed that was the way they wanted Christmas to be - no fuss, no gifts, no effort from anyone.

I'd probably cook the Christmas dinner as usual, and watch whatever TV I felt like, or retreat to my room with a book and chocolates I had bought myself.

OP did tell them last year. The mum has retired from birthday duty after looking after it all historically.

When did matching energy ever result in positive change?

Sorry to pick on your post, because there have been loads like this. But genuinely, this passive aggressive response that's touted on Mumsnet so often, just results in resentment, and not any actual will, or any reason, to change.

A proper conversation is needed the day after tomorrow (aiming that nothing changed) where OP says, yet again, that their lack of interest is deeply hurtful, and points out all the things she does for their birthdays (and through the year), to show her love.

I would definitely remind DD of the time she didn't even get out of bed and she expected her mum to give her the money to buy her present.

At the end of it, yes, she can say that she feels that if they're not prepared, or don't care enough, to put her first for once, then she will be reconsidering how she approaches their birthdays, and all the other times she shows them consideration.

Hope you are feeling better OP.

When a person's expectations are based on reality, one's suffering.

Its not pleasant for you to have this, and it is as it is. You only have two options, accept or stay unhappy. You may be able to teach thrm though I avoid trying to change others.

As an aside, its sad how many people have reacted with punishing or non reciprocation in this thread. I dont give presents to get in return. That may only teach your children that they must get something back if giving. Generosity even in the face of non reciprocation is wholesome in my view.

That's appalling ...of them, of him ...

Stop letting them treat you that way.

Maybe it’s a ruse.
they’ll wake you with breakfast in bed, flowers and hugs.

have a little bit of hope.
then if they don’t, step back.
do the basics and remember this is where they hold you.

I’ve clicked that YABU - only because you need to stop doing so much for them. They are rude and entitled and it just wouldn’t kill them to do something nice for you, their distain for your one special day a year is unforgivable. Don’t flog yourself doing anything else nice for them, basic needs only and then they might start to appreciate you and understand how families actually work. Take yourself off and do something lovely for you tomorrow have a very happy birthday 🥳

It is one of my DCs birthday in October, I will absolutely think of the best way to tackle this. Funnily enough, she’s been sending me things she wants for her birthday for the last 2 months - none of which I have bought yet or even looked at.

this post has helped as I can actually view my children from an outside perspective and not as their mother.

One can only hope. However neither of them hug me or tell me they love me first. Can’t get a hug out of either of them without it being hardwork and just awkward.

I just want to send you a big hug for a happy birthday
You have been too good a Mum trying to make up for the father's neglect! Give yourself a big treat tomorrow, go out have a nice lunch and stay away until after dinner time. Cinema's good place to hang.
I did the same, overcompensated...one of my kids is devoted, the other couldn't give a flying f. really, although I get a 'duty call' every so often.
Just look after you OP. They need a lesson in gratitude. Big hug.

Happy birthday. Do whatever you want tomorrow. Take yourself out for a meal or get a take away.

when it’s their birthday, give them £10 in a basic card. Same for Christmas if they don’t bother.

From next week pick up small things you would like and wrap them up as soon as you get home. Open on Christmas Day or your birthday. You will forget what you have bought.

Happy birthday op. I have had quite a few of my birthdays ruined by other people. Nowadays I try to ignore the hurt/upset and still do something nice for myself.

Tomorrow isn’t here yet so treat yourself, go out for a coffee or go to a garden centre for a plant just something.

my birthday this year was terrible. I got nothing not even a card from my adult DC or my partner as both were ill. Once I realised my partner had done nothing I did a quick online shop for a party tea unpacked it all, then went out to the shops and bought myself something little. Only a keepsake. Then home for my tea. I still ended up in tears (silly reason but i didn’t get a birthday cake and the week before I had seen one in waitrose I fancied but didn’t buy it as told myself of course he will do tea and cake). I at least did nice things for myself.

I’ve had 8 birthdays in my current house and everyone has been terrible in some way or another.

I do that too for Xmas.

I love that idea.

Sorry that they are so selfish OP after all the care you give to them.

But for their sake - please back off from the hugs. If they are not the kind that put themselves out then please listen to their body language and stop forcing them.

Just reading that made me shiver as a non-huggy person.

Dont celebrate their next birthday.

Pull and uno reverse next time it’s their birthdays you tell them that as they put no effort into yours they don’t get any effort either. Their birthdays will suck but I bet they treat you better next year. Also if they get you nothing I would come up with a long list of jobs you need to get done. Wipe clean the skirting boards, clean the fridge and vacuum the driveway.

Just ignore their next birthdays. When they ask why, just say birthdays obviously mean nothing to them, so why bother?

Sadly it sounds they are spoilt and know they can be selfish without consequences. If I had done that to my mum at that age even once she would have been angry and hurt - and she’s not even one for birthdays.

Reading other posts on the thread, I wonder if this is more common now due to society being increasingly child centric. I have seen it in RL, activities etc are centred towards the kids from a young age and some of those kids turn out to be selfish little sods!

They must have learnt this is acceptable from you no matter how rubbish their Dad is. I know that sounds harsh but address it now before they act this crap with partners and their own children.

oh I don’t ask to hug them all the time. I respect their boundaries and realise that they are not people who like hugs. It is difficult as I am - again purely because I was never hugged as a child and not having a partner…..sometimes I need a hug from someone. But definitely in the last 2 years, I’ve stopped trying to get any affection from them.

Pull back and treat them the way they treat you. They'll soon notice and wonder what the hell is going on.

No birthday gifts, one small christmas gift each and buy yourself lots of things to make up for the years you've had nothing

Selfish wee gits.

Amd just to add, I was spoiled as a child but I always made a fuss of my mum for her birthdays. It was my way of saying thank you for everything she has done for me throughout the years.

Affection and caring isn’t the same as physical affection though. If you need hugs, please find another option. Kindly, your childhood is something for you to unravel, not them. They may be selfish but expecting hugs from them if it’s not their thing is horrible.

I adore my parents but if they insisted on hugs then I would be reluctant to spend time with them. I hate being touched at all. We dont tell each other we love them because there is no need, we all know.

It sounds like they find you needy - making them say they love you back etc isn’t fair on them. I know you mean well but please don’t do this esp if you have daughters.

It sounds more complex than just birthdays though - OP is quite dependent on them and that’s not good for anyone

They are being thoughtless, but as their Mum, you should be celebrating their birthday. They are still minors and not earning properly (if at all). I think that you need to expand your life with your friends and not depend do much on them. This especially applies to hugs. You told your Mum not to bother, but then are disappointed. When it was my birthday at home with my youngest, I planned a takeaway, got a cake etc, but I had the choice of film. They aren't going to make up for your childhood or lack of partner.