It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

What a pair of selfish brats!
Happy birthday OP. Take yourself off somewhere (on their allowance)

Its a super hard thing to see that loved ones aren't returning love.

As so many posters have said I think you need to arrange your own treat / celebration/ memory...as an act of defiance really...don't model low expectations, door mat to the children. Show them you matter and deserve celebration.

Mirror their next birthdays with their level of effort...when challenged you say "I didn't think you believed in Birthdays as you don't celebrate them with me. Why would yours be different?" Cake, card and token gift...preferably from Asda 🤭

Happy Birthday for tomorrow OP 🎂🎁🎂🍰

Agree. I treat my daughter (17) to lots of nice things. She always gets me a gift on special occasions and makes a fuss of me. Not all teenagers are completely selfish.

You need to sit them down and discuss it - let them know how you feel and what your expectations are
Teens can be thoughtless but if they continue to be so after having it pointed out to them then I would scale back on their birthdays

YANBU. You sound like a lovely, caring mum. Tell them how you feel and do less for their birthdays as suggested. Treat yourself to a lovely dress, meal or spa. Happy birthday.

Happy Birthday tomorrow OP

I spoilt my dcs, I know I did. I tried too hard to give them an opposite childhood to mine. They were very selfish, self absorbed teens as a result. I had birthdays like yours.
Young adults now, and 'adulting' a bit at last. It was my fault in a way, I put them first and so they copied and put themselves first. It took me a long time and a lot of hurt to realise this.
Things have got better for me, and they will for you too, I'm sure they will. Maybe step back a little from doing so much for them, and meanwhile treat yourself to something very nice tomorrow. It will do them good to see you do it.

@canarywharfs My son is the same. His father and I separated when he was a baby due to DV. DS lived with me until he was 15 and then moved in with his dad, as his dad let him drink alcohol and go out until all hours. Whereas at my house there were rules. Not particularly onerous rules but he didn’t want a curfew and he wanted to smoke and drink whenever he wanted. Dad was ‘fun’.

Without boring you with the background he’s never really bothered with my birthday. When he was 7+ my partner reminded him and bought a card and present for me, from DS. When he became older he never did anything. I didn’t expect a present or a card, just a text would have been ok.

I did explain two birthdays ago how hurt I was and he promised to change. The next birthday rolled around and nothing, not even a birthday text.

I realised he only ever contacted me when he wanted something, usually money. When that dried up there was no reason for him to keep in touch.

However he always does something for his dad’s birthday, his girlfriend’s birthday, his girlfriend’s siblings birthday, his girlfriend’s parents birthdays… they get presents and a card. It’s incredibly hurtful. It’s not about the birthday, it’s about the fact that you matter so little to them. I haven’t seen my son since November last year. He texts and says he wants to meet up and then doesn’t arrange anything. I’m done making excuses for him.

It is one of my DCs birthday in October, I will absolutely think of the best way to tackle this. Funnily enough, she’s been sending me things she wants for her birthday for the last 2 months - none of which I have bought yet or even looked at.

I know I'm from a different generation, being twice your age, but this really struck me. Why is your DC expecting more than one gift for her birthday? When our two were young, only Christmas saw them get more than one gift from us. When did multiple birthday gifts from one person become a thing? If I were you I would choose just one of the items she suggests and if she complains tell her she's lucky to get that, given she never marks your birthday in any way. It might just get through to her how incredibly selfish she's being.

Next message from her with a birthday request I would text back, 'I'll match what you spent on me, love'.

And leave it at that. At least she might begin to wonder whether her birthday is going to be as shit as yours.

Teens aren’t great with this kind of thing but when they become young adults they will show how much they care x.

I’m a single mum; this year was my 50th and my 25yo daughter and arranged a lovely surprise party for me. Adult children can be amazing. Give yours a few years and things will change.

I would bet you're planning on spending a lot on them for Christmas, maybe rethink that and get yourself someothing lovely instead, tell them there's a £25 limit, what would they like?

As mean as it may seem, just do it back to them. I don't suppose it would take more than one birthday for the message to sink in how it feels when someone does zero effort.

Sorry OP. Yes, teenagers can be selfish but no way is this acceptable or actually that normal not even to say the words 'happy birthday'. Even if they just got you a card and a box of your fav choccies (min effort) then it would be something. No way would I ever have treated my parents like this and no way would I accept this.

And.. sorry if sounds hollow, happy birthday for tomorrow. Hope go out somewhere with friends instead and do not cook for them, taxi for them or anything tomorrow!

£5 limit! And goes up every year they remember mum's birthday and make an effort :-)

Did your children not even utter the words 'happy birthday' to you?

@canarywharfs do you know what I decided after one particularly disappointing birthday? I'd look at what I spent getting everyone else thoughtful gifts during the year and buy something of equivalent value for myself. It's great. Guilt free shopping for something frivolous that I really want.

I also decided to think about myself on my birthday and do what I want. Little challenging as, similar to you, a family members birthday is the day before mine so I'd see them for their birthday and mine would be the after thought. Now, I send a present and do what I want to do.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!
I'd be making it clear to them that you will be putting in as much effort for their next birthdays as you did for yours this year. It sounds like they need to be held accountable.

Oh. Op. I'm z single mum too boys 17 and 15. We always make a fuss about birthdays, its just us. I make jokes..I'll leave you a tenner each, so you can get ne a pressy, bake a cake, etc. It's about respect.

They should definitely acknowledge it, you are their hero!!
My exh is a useless twat too, so I've Been mum and dad for years.

Make them realise everything you do. I went away this aug for 5 days alone. Godit was bliss. They missed me... and it really drilled into them all that I do.
Try it. It works,...

Happy Birthday OP!

You need to knock on the head the idea of a normal day tomorrow. You need to treat yourself. Teens are or can be super selfish. Think of it like a mental illness in that for many their brains just don’t work way ours do.

It won’t always be this way, mine now in 20s and it’s total opposite but nowt worse than birthday depression so at the very least:

No housework.
No cooking dinner, let them fend and you get yourself your favourite.
Coffee with the biggest most calorific fxxk off cake you can find.
Bubble bath. Good movie or book.
Buy a treat you wouldn’t if it wasn’t your birthday.
Be cheerful and tell strangers (such as when paying for your coffee it’s your birthday).
Give £10 to someone who looks like they need it.
Play your top 5 favourite songs etc and absolutely anything else you feel like doing.

Happy birthday for tomorrow! If your teens are not bothered, get yourself out in the morning and go and do something nice for yourself - a lovely breakfast or brunch, a mooch round the shops and treat yourself, maybe a massage or a facial? Just leave them to it, they're old enough to fend for themselves for the day!

If they don't give you presents and cards and make a fuss of you - tell them straight that you have noted their lack of effort and will be matching it on their next birthday. And mean it!

You are not responsible for making it up to them for their dad being crap - you feed them, clothe them, keep a roof over their heads....and they sound pretty ungrateful 🙄

When me and my sisters were teenagers, our mum would occasionally 'go on strike' when we had been ungrateful and selfish (as all teenagers can be sometimes) and she would take to her bed, shut the door and read. When she did this, we knew we'd pushed her too far and it was the kick up the arse that we needed!

Maybe you need to go on strike and let them realise how much you actually do for them!

Don't give them money to buy you something, cut out the middleman and buy something for yourself.
It is awful but your teens don't value you because you don't value yourself- you just take it, the more you just take whatever disrespect and uncaring crap the more they will dish it out- that's not just teens many, many adults do the same. You want to be valued, then value yourself and show the world your value- no one will do it for you. Plan a lovely day for yourself, go somewhere, do something- when the teens ask what you are doing tell them with your head held high, as no one will make an effort for my birthday I am doing for myself-do not include them, let them feel they are missing out. Good luck.

I love this! I'm in Wales but I'd jump on a train to have bellinis and cake with you too!

YANBU x

Unfortunately they've got 50% his genes

Such a sad post....Make sure you go out tomorrow and have a proper celebrationary Birthday. Get a big fancy cake for all of the family to share.

Happy Birthday to you for tomorrow. Xx

I think this is a sensible approach. It's not driven by pain or guilt-tripping, but simply setting an expectation of them going forward and getting their agreement. Bring them in on the conversation and see how they want to move forward with birthdays in a way that feels fair and reciprocal to everyone. Let them come to the conclusion that they're not being fair at the moment. Given that they're almost adults I think it would be good role model for this to be an adult conversation that is calm and constructive.
If you try and guilt trip them then they may get defensive and go into shame. If you don't say anything then nothing will change.

Happy birthday OP!

Teenagers are pricks at times, sad but true. Tell them how you feel if it can be done calmly, and then do something nice for yourself. 🎂