It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

They obviously don’t realise this is something that bothers you if you have never told or shown them how you feel. You really do need to have the conversation with them to change this going forwards.
Hopefully you will do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

Absolutely this. Both are old enough to put some effort into your birthday, unfortunately both sound incredibly thoughtless.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow 💐

I think the teenagers absolutely are intending to hurt. They aren't little babies. They are teenagers who could go out and buy a card or make a cake and they would have to be extraordinarily dense (which it doesn't sound like they are) not to realise that no happy birthday is going to hurt. And the lack of effort for last year's birthday shows that it's not an oversight. They just don't care. Two seconds of thought would tell them that this will hurt their mother.

Happy birthday OP! Glad to hear you're doing something with a friend. Much healthier than hanging with you teens anyway. Totally agree to match their energy. Sounds like you're projecting a lot onto them - spoiling and possibly smothering them a bit in the process..

Let them fend for themselves and load them with chores in return for anything they want from you. Better for everyone!

I suggest you do nothing for them tomorrow, and if they complain, then say, well you couldn't be bothered to celebrate my birthday, so I can't be bothered to cokk dinner/wash uniforms/tidy up/make your packed lunches etcc. Then lie on the sofa drinking wine and eating chocolates and watching your favourite programme.

and buy youself some flowers to be delivered. Write youself a lovely card from you.

This! The year they gazed Mother’s Day I totally sent myself the roses I wanted and bought myself a necklace I loved.

Don’t get them anything for their next birthday. They need to see that they don’t get to treat you badly and then expect to be celebrated.

They could have ordered you something online or made you a cake or even just made a card. I would never have treated my mum like that.

I have told them. I told them last year on my 40th when my youngest didn’t even bother to say happy birthday.

I’ve been reminding them for the last few weeks that my birthday is coming up. My birthday sits in the middle of other family birthdays - there’s 3 birthdays in one week so they know this. They also yesterday signed cards for the other family members yet haven’t thought to pop to the shop to get me a card today.

I genuinely thought this year would be different. They have both apologised to me earlier when I said how disappointed I was again. Dunno if it’s genuine or not at this point.

I can only hope they are planning a surprise...

Give your children a card for their birthday. That is all.

Sorry OP. That sounds awful. I used to pick my mum flowers (from her own garden 🤣) and make a card from a really young age; started making my mums birthday cake from about 12 as it upset me she had to make it herself. I had a small job so always brought her something. It must be very hurtful. Have you told them how it makes you feel?

take yourself out somewhere lovely tomorrow and bugger them. Stay at a hotel overnight if you can. Happy birthday; you deserve better x

I'm so sorry, OP. I would be livid that they buy cards for their dad and not for you. It wouldn't hurt at all if you told them tomorrow that you were very upset at that. I wouldn't celebrate your birthday with anything that involves them (cake or takeaway) but would focus on seeing your friends and getting yourself something nice.

I hope they mature a bit between now and tomorrow morning. It's awful if they won't even say happy birthday.

Yanbu but you need to put tge spade work in from them being little. I made sure that every effort they made for special occasions was appreciated. I also steered them by giving them ideas of what to get within their budget but they often used their own inniative even when they were primary aged .

@canarywharfs I’m glad you have spoken to them about it previously so if they don’t do anything they should get one hell of a bollocking!

Happy birthday for tomorrow, OP. I very much hope that after being so shit last year, your DC have a surprise up their sleeves.

I suspect they won't, sadly. I can definitely relate to some extent about feeling the need to compensate for them having a shit father. Completely agree that you should spend tomorrow doing whatever you want. They are out of line and you're doing them no favours erasing any need for them to consider you and your feelings as they go through life.

Enjoy the concert and most definitely make sure there are consequences if they let you down. 💐🎁🍾

Have they always been like this? I guess if growing up they’ve never been encouraged to buy you gifts or acknowledge your birthday, it’s just something that goes under the radar. I remember when I was a single mum, and my DCs were young, my dm used to buy them something to give me, and then they just fell into doing it themselves when they were old enough, because it was normal for them to do so. But regardless, they’re old enough to know that even a hug and a ‘happy birthday’ would mean the world. Happy birthday for tomorrow OP. Try and do something different. Even if it’s just treating yourself to cake and coffee at a local cafe.

You have to treat them the way they're treating you going forward ... they're well old enough to fell how hurtful that is.

Do minimal for their birthdays, Christmas this year ... don't make it a big deal, card and a small gift each, no more.

You're teaching them you don't count and they do if you carry on as you are.

Happy birthday for tomorrow.

Plan something nice for yourself. If you're at work, go out for dinner in the evening - on your own is nobody is free to go with you - and see a film. Or get your hair done, or a manicure, or buy some new clothes.

And in future, do far less for your kids on their birthdays.

Unfortunately there's a huge amount of truth in this.

Spoiling your children because of guilt is not helping them. Spoiling means just that - turning them into humans who are selfish and self-centred adults. Please help them by dialing down your guilt and dialing up being-aware-of-other.

You deserve for them to think of you, and you deserve treats and congrats on your birthdays - if not from them, your own children, then whom?

Happy birthday for tomorrow. I would make sure you do something special for u. Do less for ur self absorbed kids.

When they were younger, I always got their dad birthday cards, Father’s Day cards/gifts etc even though I never had anything in return as I wanted to try encourage their relationship and felt that it was my responsibility to try when they were younger. However I stopped doing that years ago - they still do it for their dad because they’ve learnt from me to do it….but ironically never think to do the same for me.

My mum did do it for a long time but she’s had a lot on over the last couple of years so I told her not to bother anymore as the dc should be able to sort it themselves anyway.

Be honest with them. Tell them how selfish and hurtful their behaviour is, the complete lack of effort and not even bothering with a 'happy birthday', is a low blow. At their age they are old enough to know better, I would then take myself out for the day, leave them to fend for themselves.

If it makes you feel any better OP, I'm a single mum and my DC are similar aged to yours, and my youngest is a selfish little shit too.

For mother's day he got my mum to buy a plant for him to give me, couldn't even be bothered to go with her to choose it, then brought it home from hers in the car in my full view, not even in a bag, then left it out in the kitchen side for 2 days in my full view again before giving it to me with a 'card' he'd scribbled on a bit of A4 torn out of a school book.

I told him exactly what I thought of his lack of effort and will be reminding him of it if I get any lip about what I get him for his birthday. His response was 'but you like plants' and I've repeatedly said that what I like is thoughtfulness, and he showed none. Be clear with them what you are upset about. Ask them how they'd feel if you made no effort on their birthday. Teenagers are self centered and need to be reminded that you're a person not their maid.

I think you need to tell them specifically what you expect. Or get your mum to. I got a post- it one year 🤣🤣 but DC has stepped up a bit. Tbf if a two parent family the other parent would organize it

I also think that it’s not really worth the weekends away catering to the teens if they can’t even show appreciation. My older DS can be a grumpy sod at times but when I took him away to a European city for a few days he made sure to show his appreciation in lots of ways.
If your DD can’t be arsed with it all, you’d be better to take yourself away (alone or with a like minded friend/relative) and do what really nourishes YOU.
I see my time, effort and money as precious and finite resources to be used wisely.