It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

Happy Birthday OP. I saw this thread yesterday and it really resonated with me.

I had a similar conversation with ds a few years ago now after he didn’t even get me a card. I waited until about a week after my birthday and told him calmly how upset I had been and asked how would he feel if I did the same to him.

Ds is an adult now but has made an effort every year since. He ensures he’s available to do something with me, either on the day or at the weekend if I’m working. He checks if I’d like to go to garden centre/cafe/lunch etc. always gets a nice card and generally some flowers.
I understand that it’s a difficult conversation but hopefully now you’ve had it, it will be worth it and your dc will not take you for granted quite so much going forward.
Enjoy your shopping trip and concert on Friday 💐

I have been following the thread and what a surprise - NOT! they are both in tears. they are using crying as a weapon against you surely you can see this. they are making the day all about them. not about you. they arent sorry. they are vile and manipulative. Ignore, ignore, ignore. go out and have a lovely day, treat yourself, do something different and just leave them to it. next week you need to start working on how to help them to make themselves better people.

Happy birthday 🥳 have a fabulous day just doing things for yourself and have a fancy coffee and cake in a nice cafe with a book or mumsnet 😂 ☕️ 🍰

I would tell your dd you’re buying yourself a gift with her birthday money.

@harriethoyle
@Ifeelold48
Can you explain were children are supposed to get money from?
You only buy your choice what they can buy you back?
It's a classic case of not putting everything into your children, very often your children don't see you as a person in your own right.

How do they feel about their father? I mean obviously they'll ignore his birthday too but overall, do they love him less than you or about the same? Maybe they are just a lot more like him than like you, happy to receive but not 'givers'?

And Happy Birthday for today 💐💐

What did you say to her? And what did she get you from Asda?

Clearly they do need a conversation! They take their mother for granted and are lazy feckless teenagers - I don't think it's anything more sinister than that. I despair at how adults are so quick to be aggressive particularly to teenagers...but judging by your post you are much the same.

Oh FFS OP never said she "makes them say they love her back" - as if!! 🙄

Why write a post reacting to something that you've made up??

And the rest of it, is the OP supposed to not just be an amazing Mum but a fully fledged psychiatrist too?? Analysing every interaction for acceptable words, levels of physical contact etc. Please. Day to day real life in your household may run like that (🤔) but the rest of us are just normal, fallible human beings, doing, as it's very clear the OP is, their very best.

She already knew I wasn’t in the best of moods. It was a plant and some pyjamas - the pyjamas aren’t my style but I guess that’s what you get from a last minute trip to Asda.

I told her that it’s grandma that I need to thank for the gifts (which I have but also said to my mum that the dcs need to sort it themselves) and that all birthdays should be celebrated equally - not by how much we spend but the amount of effort and thought that’s put in. I told her about this thread and that I had over 300 responses in support of how I feel - that’s the moment she cried. I asked her if she understood why I was speaking to her and she said she did.

it’s the first time I’ve seen her cry in years but I obviously didn’t confront her. And walked out of her room, not spoken since.

Happy birthday to you, @canarywharfs 🎉🎂🎁

I see what you're saying but to state they are being intentionally hurtful and manipulative is potentially unhelpful to the OP. It sounds like they are lazy and feckless and do not care IF their mother is sad as a consequence of their inaction rather than deliberately choosing NOT to do something nice to actively hurt her. Perhaps this because OP hasn't truly admitted how hurtful she finds it. I also think an honest conversation is more helpful than reading them the riot act which sounds aggressive and also awkward. 'You must do something nice for my birthday otherwise xxx will happen'. It's hardly the way to engender any sense of genuine empathy and compassion

Hope the rest of your day goes well. You've made your point and hopefully they 'got' it. I would move on now and just be normal with them.
I still would go with a friend on Friday.

Where was I aggressive and what on earth do you mean by something "sinister"? Ironically you've just called them lazy and feckless, which I certainly didn't. So judging by that I think perhaps you're the one who's actually "much the same".

Happy birthday xxxxx

You did well. They should be upset, and not just for their own diminishing chances of being spoiled on their birthdays. It's time they realised that people who love and care for them 24/7 deserve respect and appreciation and reciprocal love.

I'd explain that I'm downing tools for a week. not as a punishment, but because you now realise that you have been behaving like a doormat and letting them take you for granted and not show even the tiniest scrap of affection or respect in return. Which is bad for all of you. So you are on strike entirely for this week. Next week, you will return to being the mother they recognise but only if they are helpful, genuinely appreciative and obviously recognise that you too are a human with needs, wants, limitations, feelings and not some service robot there for their bidding.

You will all be happier within a few weeks if you stick it out. Just make it clear it's not a punishment. You're not sulking. You are teaching them, and you, an essential life skill - to value you.

Happy Birthday OP!

Just a thought. It sounds as though all your birthdays are quite close together?

Me and my DC all have birthdays within 4 weeks of each other and now they are adults (and I accept my dc are in their 20's so somewhat older than yours) we arrange in advance one treat outing to celebrate all the birthdays. Sometimes it is tickets to an event (concert, theatre, sporting event) and sometimes it's a meal out. Somehow, because it is for all our birthdays we all make an effort to make it lovely for each other as well as ourselves.

Happy Birthday OP!

Happy birthday OP and well done for speaking to both the kids. I hope this is a real wake up call for them both, they really need it. Enjoy your day on Friday and please do match the energy on their birthdays, they're plenty old enough to stop treating you as an appliance. It's outrageous.

So did she cry because she was sorry, or cry because she's realised that for her b'day she will probably get little effort?

Anyway, happy birthday OP. Hope found a fab outfit and Friday is great fun :-)

AS it should be. Don't be swayed by her selfish crocodile tears ... keep it simple, card and token gift. She's well old enough to know better.

You balked at the idea of having an honest conversation with teenagers who are by the way still children therefore suggesting a more aggressive approach is required. Sounds aggressive to me. As does your line: "So with all due respect, that's bollocks".

I never thought having an honest and vulnerable conversation with teenagers was ever 'bollocks' but each to their own!

Big Happy Birthday Wishes 🎂 🥳 🎉

(See the tears as an attempt at manipulation...there is the whole rest of the day for a response to be made ...a jar of what I love about you slips, thecwjole internet for ideas, it has nothing to do with money, it's about care and effort...teach this OP...match their energy...teach them something important) ❤️

Teenage is often a selfish age - something to do with needing to find their places in the world perhaps.

You have done a great job of making them feel that your love for them is a solid secure thing. They don't have to work at keeping it and have no fear of losing it.
This is good - for them.

Your next lesson for them is showing that people you don't have to work at 'winning' are still worth the attention and outward signs of love.

As suggested above, perhaps start by being active in looking after yourself and show them that you know your own worth. (You do need to find independence for yourself and take pleasure in things other then them. This isn't selfish - it is another lesson for them and preparation for their futures.)

I don't think that you can demand an outward show of love from them or insist on presents for presents. (It just causes resentment and makes them feel manipulated or guilty and no human likes that!)

Just stopping presents for them does make a point ...but is likely to be perceived as a petty response.

I do think that you can have a (non confrontational) discussion. Ask them if 'we have decided not to celebrate each other's birthdays etc. in this household?' Make them think about you as equal to them.

Don't be manipulated by her tears.
I think you are being.
You do them no favours by letting them think that crying is the go to manipulation when you are selfish.
Far better that you head out and enjoy your day.
Your children are selfish and they see you as very soft.
You will do them a huge favour if you show them that no love is finite, and people can get the ick if they are taken for granted.
Enjoy your evening.