To find the use of the word ‘fiancé’ irritating?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Do people still use the word fiancé to describe the person they’re engaged to on a regular basis (eg. every time they mention them to someone who doesn’t know their name they’ll say fiancé rather than partner or bf/gf)? Or is this becoming kind of outdated? There’s a woman at work who keeps saying ‘my fiancé and I this, my fiancé and I that, yesterday I said to my fiancé blah, blah’. It’s really starting to grate on me because she could easily say his name then start referring to him by it, just like everyone else does. It also struck me that other people I know who’ve been engaged recently carried on saying ‘partner’, or they might say fiancé once or twice but generally they use partner. I’m sure I’m BU to find it annoying but it feels like they’re trying to boast that someone’s asked them to marry them everytime I hear it!

You can gloat quietly, for sure, but it’s always negative and derogatory of the object of the gloat. Schadenfreude isn’t.

It’s very teenage to be engaged to be married and to use the correct term for the person you will be marrying? Interesting circles you move in.

Those who feel inferior about their command of language tend to automatically assume that other people desire to appear superior when using unfamiliar words and phrases. But in fact those who use more nuanced, poetic or novel terminology often simply do so in a perfectly natural fashion.

Accusing someone of acting superior for simply possessing and using a wider vocabulary than basic newspeak is an attempt to reframe provincial limitations as a virtue and other people's linguistic skill as an offence.

And those same people would be deeply offended if the same unfair and untrue accusation were to be made of them over - say - their orienteering and route planning skills, or their mechanical abilities.

Some people are simply more naturally proficient in language, and allowing the green eyed monster to take hold because others don't hobble themselves linguistically so as not to engender jealousy is very unbecoming.

Yes, I agree. And I’ve already said that.

It’s all about detail and context. Somebody mentioned ‘pro bono’ as a loan phrase (from Latin). If a lawyer used it in a legal context, fine. But “I told Sarah I’d give her the dress for free” would sound ludicrous as “I told Sarah I’d give her the dress pro bono”.

They've dug themselves a linguistic hole, and are determined to keep on digging, I'm afraid.

I didn't say it was common, just that it wouldn't jump out at me as unusual, rather like 'verboten'. It's infrequently used, but well understood.

And no, I'm not missing the point.

If the mother had been using the term 'tableaux vivant' correctly to describe what she wanted to do, then the term 'musical statues' would've been wrong. And I'm not sure there's a term in English to describe 'tableaux vivant'? So while she was using the term incorrectly, there does seem to be a use for it.

Run that by me again?

It’s not necessary to be pretentious to be skilful with language. Concrete Anglo-Saxon words generally make for more effective communication than more abstract Latin words. Have a read of Gowers or Strunk & White. They might open your eyes.

As a baby second-wave feminist who was nevertheless going to get married, in church at that (when we got engaged my best friend sent me a congratulations card that said "Traitor!") I experimented with using the word partner, both before and after the wedding.

It felt a little pretentious/transgressionary but also kind of a duty? Hard to explain now but the whole concept of marriage was under scrutiny, especially as same-sex marriages weren't even on the horizon.

We got married in 1992, so "partner" to signify a romantic relationship has been around for over 35 years. I certainly wasn't a pioneer though I think I count as an early-adopter😄

Thinking about it, a couple of my friends lived with their mum and "step-dad" who weren't married. In 1985 I recall her referring to "my other half" (it was a situation where calling him John would not have told the other person anything) and my sister and I had a bit of a discussion afterwards as to whether there were any other socially-appropriate terms. I don't think we came up with partner so it obviously filtered down to English LMC at some point in the late 80s.

Nowadays we refer to our sons' cohabiting-girlfriends as fiancee and partner (neither of which, in speech, tells the listener whether the son in question is straight - so my inner 2nd-wave is appeased somewhat)

Oh give over. You’re just wrong.

I irritates me when people refer to my husband and my partner. As to me it’s completely different.
no one in real like would ever know that it irritates me (it’s not like I correct them either).
I mostly refer to my husband by his name.

You tried to claim that it's a teenage affectation to use the correct term husband. Which, of course, it's not, and your stance is a very odd one.

The person you are replying to was pointing out that you must move in interesting circles if you actually believe this to be true.

HTH.

Um, no. I'm absolutely right.

YW.

But again, you should stick to more simplistic terms. You're more comfortable with them, and you won't be too much danger of using them incorrectly.

But that’s a totally subjective opinion. “Fiancé” hasn’t been in common use in English that long.

What are you on about?
HTH, btw.

Oh, I see, I didn't realise you have no comprehension skills.

Never mind pet, this is not the thread for you.

YW. HTH.

I do think they can overlap, but don’t think they are interchangeable.

Even if I gloat inwardly there is a sense that I am laughing at you, or celebrating your misfortune and feeling that it serves you right.

Schadenfreude as an inner sense is more like well, that’s unfortunate, I won’t deny the sense of satisfaction I feel at your misfortune but I am glad it’s not me.

No, it’s not subjective.

Fiancé is a whole, correct, unadulterated word.

Holibobs and hubs are adaptations of whole, correct words which many (subjectively) find twee or annoying.

Partner used to mean serious life partner with the absence of marriage by choice or prohibition. Now the common use is so broad that it is meaningless. People who aren’t married are going to need a new word.

You poor thing…
”HTH” 🤣

Oh, sweetheart! You shouldn't!

I must confess, I am curious as to how using the correct relationship title to refer to someone is 'teenage'.

To use some simple language, you’re having a laugh.

I do see that plain English isn’t your thing. But I genuinely recommend the texts I mentioned. They’re useful for us little people who want to write well and for those like you who are already on a literary par with Rebecca West.

“Not that long” being the best part of 200 years?

Sure. But there’s no unbiased objective standard that dictates that “holibobs” and “hubs” are offensive. There are plenty of words and phrases in the English language which are in common usage which aren’t technically correct and which aren’t even English but which have passed into the lexicon.

I don’t like holibobs or hubs and I don’t use them but I have never really understood why they make half the population of Mumsnet froth at the mouth.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with my dislike of the word fiancé either.

But I don’t there’s an objective truth that dictates one is completely beyond the pale and the other is fine.