AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

[WayAhead]

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

• Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

Why does that mean I should ‘at least’ pay for a doula?

I have things that aren’t ideal in my world, should my step sister pay to sort those things out? 🙄

Life isn't ideal for many people. I still don't understand why this is OP's responsibility.

Stepsister is an adult and has made her choices. If anyone deserves judgement here it is the father of the baby, OP doesn't have anything to do with it really. They haven't even seen each other since the new year.

tbh the offering to pay thing was an offhand comment - I have no idea what your or your sister’s financial situation is.

if you can’t be a birth partner, I suppose I would just want to make sure she did have support (helping her find a doula, making sure she had a friend committed etc). if she is very hard up and the father won’t help and you’re better off, perhaps financial help, but no of course that isn’t your responsibility.

i can’t really understand why you helped one sister previously but won’t help this one but it’s probably in the thread, I just haven’t gone thru it all. Ultimately, you can have whatever boundaries you want so up
to you.

overall, sounds like you’ve made your decision so that’s fine. Wish you and your sister well, I hope she has a good birth.

You make random goady comments without reading the thread to get attention. Okay then. 👍

I can't imagine being so dismissive of a woman's birth trauma and another woman's need for support at her birth as to try and guilt the former into doing it despite clearly not being in a good place. On a forum full of women too!

This isn't something that can just be sucked up. There's potential for OP to do more harm than good here, it's not like being asked to fill up a freezer or help DSS deep clean before the birth.

I think you have handled it well being kind but prioritising your own wellbeing.

I can’t believe someone actually suggested you should at least pay £1k for a doula. Mumsnet is nuts sometimes.

Doesn't necessarily make a difference in some family set ups, but it's quite clearly step sister - not sister.

Wonder if all the goady “you need to do it or pay!” Posters will all chip in to pay for the doula… it’s the kiiind thing natch…

They’ve gone very quiet. 🤣

With relation to this little gem

'i can’t really understand why you helped one sister previously but won’t help this one but it’s probably in the thread, I just haven’t gone thru it all.'

For someone that has haunted the thread like a malevolent ghost, surely you know that you can click on 'See all' next to the OP's original post to see the posts where OP has told us how traumatised she felt when she was her sister's birthing partner after her own traumatic births. She hasn't told her step-sister this because she is worried about it getting back to her sister who would then feel guilty.

You are full of sympathy and empathy for OP's step-sister who isn't reading your posts while being callous and massively judgemental to OP who is reading them.

The 'off-hand 'comment about OP paying for her sister's doula was nothing of the sort. It was just another attempt to try and guilt trip OP and make her feel bad.

Agree.

<Tumbleweed>