AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

[WayAhead]

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

• Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

Yeah, I think this is the best way to go.

It's a delicate situation. I don't think it's necessarily a good thing to have someone who's sucked it up and doesn't want to be there either. Birth support is just so important. It's not really like other favours you might be asked. You can't unselfish your way into the baggage from your own and your sister's births not affecting you.

Yanbu at all. Would your mum go with her @WayAhead ?

Twattiness indeed, surely if she's ready to have a baby with this man, she's ready to have him at the birth? My relationship with my son's dad was very new when I unexpectedly got pregnant, but there was never any doubt he'd be at the birth! And if he had said he 'was afraid he'd go off me' because of it - he would have been in the bin straight away.

YANBU, being someone's birthing partner is a very personal thing, and you shouldn't do it if you don't feel 100% committed to it, and to them.

Agreed @MsPrufrockk

I do feel very sad for your step-sister but that doesn't mean you should be her birthing partner.

You don't want to, so you won't be.

End.

Nah. If she chose to procreate with a loser and is so bad at relationships that the only person she can ask is a half sister she sees once year, that's totally on her.

It's a huge ask. I wouldn't do it.

The way I see this is that you can't make everyone an equal priority. I would be prioritising my partner and children over a more distant family member that I wasn't close to and saw infrequently.

These armchair medical experts. 😅 You can’t possibly know and sound very, very silly.

Yes, OP, you should now pay for a step sister you aren’t close to and haven’t seen for months to have a doula. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 It’s the ‘least’ you could do. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Some people are funny.

It sounds much more than mild anxiety. She describes her own births and her sister's birth as 'traumatic' and she feels traumatised by these experiences.

Why on earth should OP pay for a doula? Her step-sister's useless boyfriend who won't be her birthing partner in case seeing her in labour and giving birth 'puts him off her' should be the one paying for a doula.

Yes. You definitely need to be a medical professional to know that birth can be a very vulnerable and difficult experience 🤔.

I couldn’t leave a family member to do it alone. If the OP doesn’t want to do it, that’s her prerogative. If it were me, I’d rather expend a grand on a doula than let my sister give birth with no support. 🤷‍♀️ Honestly why is that funny?

You tried to diagnose OP when you haven’t met her. You can’t and you look silly for that.

Yes, it not funny at all to think OP should spend a grand on this, rather than the parents of the baby paying themselves. 🤪😂

That sounds like a good plan OP.

If you don't consider her family then fair enough, don't do it. But if you do, well. I can't imagine rejecting a family member at such a vulnerable time in their life.

The majority of these posts astonish me. This is what we've become as a society.

What on earth did I diagnose the OP with?!

I guess I’m just family oriented. I honestly don’t get why it’s so bizarre to want to help a family member. If I’m weird that’s fine, still wouldn’t leave a sister to give birth alone (unless she wanted that ofc).

Totally agree.

I sent a message to say that I can’t be her birth partner mentioning that I’d find it far too emotional after my past experiences and that our holiday is around the same time. I wished her all the best for the rest of her pregnancy and birth.

I’ve told my sisters I was asked so it’s possible she may ask them, to give them time to think about whether they could do it or not if she did ask them.

You said it sounded like mild discomfort or mild anxiety. It’s not. I have a diagnosis from qualified medical professionals who have treated me.

I won’t be paying for a doula. My step sister is an adult with a job, as is her partner. Their bills are for them to pay.

I think you held your boundary and handled it pretty well, OP. Good on you!

I’m just waiting for all these kind posters volunteering your time and money to next suggest you either be or pay for a night nurse to help out at night so the father doesn’t have to!

You seem think that it's OK for you to tell OP that her traumatic experience of childbirth and being a birth partner for her sister was just 'mild discomfort' or 'mild anxiety' when it really isn't OK.

The fact that you sanctimoniously declare that you would pay £1k for a doula really doesn't make you look good. It might be true but it is much more likely that it is a load of guilt-tripping bullshit designed try and to make OP feel guilty.

Also, £1k is a lot of money for many people and if anyone should be paying it, it should be OP's sister's absolute twat of a partner. It's the very least he could do.

Why would OP pay for a doula? Her stepsister is an adult and has made the choice to have a baby with someone who she hardly knows. Why can't he pay for a doula? Why is OP expected to take more responsibility than the actual father of the baby?

Indeed.

Expecting a woman to step up when the father is right there. Society needs to shame men more and leave women the hell alone.

Are you equally astonished and appalled that OP's step-sister's fiance, the father of the baby, has refused to be her birthing partner? Isn't he family to OP's step-sister too? Or is his excuse that being present at the birth might 'put him off her' very reasonable and understandable so no guilt should be attached to him?

I mean in an ideal world her sister would have a supportive partner who would be there with her but it sounds like that isn’t the case?