AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

[WayAhead]

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

• Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

Are doulas that common? How much do they cost?

lol. No. Husband and children.

Being a birth partner is quite an intimate thing, and if you aren't comfortable with it then you should absolutely say no. You won't do a great job if you are uncomfortable, and just becase you've done it twice for your sister, that doesn't make you the family doula for all time.
For what it's worth, I didn't have a birth partner at all for my last birth and it was fine. Actually, it was the best of all my births and I was never left alone.
If you don't feel like you can be honest, then say you have already made plans and you would hate to let her down if the timing is wrong.

it's entirely your right to decide she isn't family enough for you to put yourself out, and that you'd rather go on holiday. it doesn't matter whether other people think you're being unreasonable or unkind

Just tell her that you are likely to be away so can’t commit and because she needs to know her birth partner will be available it’s best that you decline. Say you are honoured to be asked.

You could maybe offer support in other ways around the time of birth and post natal period?

I don't think it's about "being family enough", that's unfair. They aren't close, and the OP doesn't want to. Presumably she felt differently about her sister.

I don’t understand how she is comfortable with this when she doesn’t even want her partner there. It’s an extremely vulnerable time. It is probably the hormones, maybe she’s trying to build up family around her, she’s most likely envious of the bond that you share with your sister and wanted a piece.

I would do it for someone if was an unexpected emergency labour, a single mother or they were someone that I was very close too. She isn’t any of those people.

Sad for her all the same.

Honestly I'd say yes in your shoes. It might not be ideal but imagine how it feels for her if you're the only person she can ask. It might be the making of your relationship.

I think the only way to say no without likely hurting her is to have another significant commitment, like the going on holiday.

The pregnancy was unplanned and she got pregnant 2 months into their relationship. They don’t live together yet and she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with him seeing her give birth. I can understand that but I don’t want to be there either.

Yoy should absolutely be honest with her. If you don’t want to be there and do it out of some sense of duty; it’ll be very obvious. Much better to be honest

Also from a practical perspective who would have your children whilst you were there; or what would you do about work? If first baby, labour could be days!

Just say you are going on holiday om her due date so don’t want to risk her being partner-less. Don’t tell her it’s not booked or paid for yet.

But if you do want to do it, I don't think it will be that bad. I was a birthing partner for a cousin who annoys me, but the experience was fine and it was lovely to see the baby being born.

I would say no. I would say it’s because I was planning to be away at half term so can’t guarantee to be there for her, so she’s better off asking someone who can definitely be around.

When I told her I was thinking of going away for half term, she still wanted me to commit to being her birth partner if it happened before or after that and if we decided not to go away.

Is your holiday the only reason why you don’t want to?

I think YABU, it doesn’t sound like she really has anyone else and you’ve been with people when they give birth a few times and you’ve done it before yourself.

You can have a holiday another time, she probably won’t give birth many more times.

Doulas cost close to £1,000 depending on where you are in the country. More than most people can spare.

Ooo ouch! Are you “other people” @thisismeithinkorisit ?

Our children are 15 and 17 so don’t much need looking after. My husband will be home though.