AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

[WayAhead]

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

• Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

It's a big ask, wanting someone to drop everything - including work - to support someone throughout a labour that could go on for hours and hours. Days, even.

I'd expect it to be a very intense situation , for a first time mother without a partner.

I understand why she'd ask you, as a mother of two who's supported your own sister through two labours. However, it's ok to say no, you don't feel comfortable taking that on anymore.

How sad. I think I would do it because the poor girl feels close to you even if you don't feel the same way. I would do it for a stranger tbh.

This is a hard one for me. On the one hand you have no obligation to be a birth partner to anyone if you don’t want to, on the other I couldn’t reject it. It’s such an intimate thing, she chose you because clearly she trusts you more than friends/your sister etc.

I was once in a very similar situation, it was a girl from my university course that was having a baby and while we were friendly, we were hardly best friends. I was so confused and honestly weirded out when she asked me, I didn’t feel all that comfortable with it but I agreed because she asked and felt she could trust me on such an important matter. It turned out her relationship was ending, he had been abusive, she had moved away from her friends for him, her parents/siblings didn’t give a flying fuck and she didn’t have anyone she could trust, she asked out of desperation. She was so relieved that she wouldn’t be alone and had someone there to support her.

It was one of the best decisions I have ever made, that baby is my god son and the young woman is one of my dearest friends.

Here is what I’d be considering in your shoes:
Why is her partner not going to be present?
Is her/your mother still around?
Any obvious reasons she wouldn’t ask a friend?
Why aren’t you close?
What is her support network like?
Are you the most capable person to do it?
What would it cost you not to do it?
Could this bring you closer?

Edit: forgot a couple of words.

Girl? Presumably she’s a woman. It’s awful that you’re trying to make the OP feel guilty. I hope OP isn’t feeling guilty because she shouldn’t.

I did it for my sister but refused when my half sister asked me. We are not close and it felt too much for me.

If you work, then just say you’re overwhelmed with work and with the holiday as well, you can’t commit.

I think it’s a bit cruel to turn her down but if you do I would say something like you really struggled for Dsis births and would really prefer not to do it again. Rather than your not my real sister.

Ignore the usual posters who are happy to volunteer others.

I would tell the truth and that it requires a really close relationship which you don’t have. If that is too honest then just say you are really busy with kids, work and your holiday so you can’t do it.

I was the birthing partner for a close friend but I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else.

That is a lot to ask if you’re not close. Tell her you have commitments with your husband and children. It doesn’t sound like you see much of each other so she won’t know whether you have things on or not.

It’s funny that she and this bloke are comfortable enough to have sex but not have him at the birth of their child. It’s not your problem OP.

@WayAhead I think I would just say you wouldn't be able to give her the support she needs during such a time as giving birth and she would be better with a close friend

This thread is hard to read with all the deletions but I would do this, even for someone I wasn't particularly close to. She is your step sister, you share a sibling - that's family. I'd see it as an opportunity to strengthen bonds or just to help out a woman in a tricky spot who wants the support of a someone who's given birth herself and will advocate for her.

No, it's not fair to say yes if you feel unsure. I've been a birth partner and it's harder than giving birth yourself IMO! There are obviously some issues if she doesn't want her partner there, and you don't want them blaming you for anything that might happen.
And it's better to say now so she has lots of time to plan-be honest, your own family are planning to be away.

She may be family but not all family are close. I am not really looking to strengthen my relationship with her and the idea that I must support her because I’m a woman who has given birth quite annoying. As we are not close, I don’t think I would be the best support person to advocate for her anyway.

I agree, I found it really hard with my sister. I remember saying to my partner after that I hadn’t realised how hard it must have been for him to watch me going through it, trying to do what he could but feeling helpless really.

If you are going away then you cant but other than that I think to say no is horrible of you. You should be honoured to have been asked.

Yanbu. Just a kindly worded I am honoured you would ask but I dont feel comfortable.

She should understand- if her own husband doesn't feel comfortable why should you?

Horrible because I’m not close enough and class this as too much of a personal experience? We are not close, partly because she has never made an effort to be, so is she ‘horrible’ for that?

When my sister asked me, I’d did feel honoured because she asked me because our our close relationship. It’s not the case with my step sister so I don’t feel honoured. She needs someone and I’m better than no one.

But she clearly does want to share it with you so that is a non point?

She knows it’s a personal experience. That’s why she doesn’t want the relatively new partner there (you said), plus she presumably has some clue what child birth is like. So you’re basically telling her you don’t feel close to her when she clearly does to you.

Having sex is a personal experience too though. It's her choice not to have her partner there but that doesn't mean it is OP's responsibility to take her partners place when she very clearly doesn't feel comfortable with it.

She knows we are not close and it will be awkward. It’s not to do with her wanting to share this with me, it’s just that she doesn’t seem to have anyone else. She can’t possibly feel close to me. We hardly see each other. We last saw each other on New Years Eve. We haven’t had the best relationship in the past and we’ve never had a deep conversation but we are civil as my mum married her dad. She is using me for convenience because I’m a woman who has given birth. She doesn’t want the new bloke there as they are both scared he’ll ’go off her’ if he sees her like that. I find it hard to deal with that level of twattiness.

I am the same OP. I had 2 traumatic births, and I definitely would find it hard to be in a birthing room again, but more than that, I think I might project my anxiety and my experience onto the woman giving birth which wouldn't be helpful for her. If you don't feel like you are the right person then you are well within your rights to say no. She needs someone who is 'all in' to be with her, and it's OK to say that's not you, with no guilt.

@WayAhead I have attended many C section births during my time working in the NHS, I have given birth, once, I have been been birth partner to my DGD15, along with her DF.

It is a huge experience!

Your DSSis, has put a huge burden on you by asking this of you. You are not close, she knows this also, but under the circumstances she just wants someone there that is a strong, stable person and she has identified that in you. It isn’t actually personal believe it or not. Her circumstances don’t sound great, this has more bearing. She doesn’t feel she should be alone. Although there is nothing wrong with being alone. I actually chose to be alone, until I heard my DGM calling my name when she got wind that I had quietly taken myself off to the hospital alone. Times have changed.

As I said, I have attended many C section’s, under anaesthetic or epidural. I was
never close to those mothers, sometimes on their own, sometimes with DHs/DPs/BPs. But when that baby is delivered, it is a miraculous moment.

But saying all of that, if you really do not want to do it, you should absolutely not do it and not feel guilted in to doing it. Just say, kindly, I can’t do it.

I'd do it.

I'd say that I've done it twice and just can't face doing it again emotionally.
I'd also say her partner needs to step up to support her and the reasons given for him not being present are extremely unsupportive and immature.

Yeah, you're not the right person. She deserves to have someone who cares about her and that's clearly not you.
I can't imagine how anxious she must be feeling, to ask you, but not your problem right?