AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

[WayAhead]

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

• Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

The main reason is I just don’t have a close relationship with her. I was very anxious being there for my sister as my own births were very difficult, but I said yes to my sister as we are close.

We can’t go anytime as we have children at school. A friend reminded me that they might not want to come on many more holidays with us which is true.

Unless you really hate her, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t. Presumably she doesn’t have a mother or sister she’s close to. I feel sorry for her.

Really? I see it as a really personal experience that I wouldn’t want to share with someone I wasn’t close to, whether I was the person giving birth or the birth partner.

Her mum died and she doesn’t have a sister but we are just not very close. I don’t hate her.

Why are there so many deleted posts?

I was just about to comment that too!

I mean I can fully understand your discomfort but like a previous poster said, imagine how she feels. At least one familiar face would make the whole experience a lot better for her. I imagine she's already uncomfortable/embarrassed with the circumstances. If I were you I'd bite the bullet and just be there for her. She obviously has no other options but you. She must trust you!

It’s a far more personal, terrifying, intimate experience for her than you, and her other option is doing it alone. Can’t you suck up your mild discomfort for her, in what will probably be the most emotional and scary experience of her life?

I have no idea😂 I saw 'kookyscroller' on several other posts with their comments deleted too. Maybe they're leaving kooky comments lol

Does she have a mother that she could ask?

ETA I've just seen OP's post confirming that her step-sister's mum has died.

I would hope I would hold the hand and try and be supportive of any woman giving birth even if I wasn’t close to them because it’s scary and I wouldn’t want them to feel alone.
I wouldn’t want to be down the business end but after having 3 of my own children which included a traumatic delivery I feel like I’d probably be more useful in the room then a bloke she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to see her at her most vulnerable.

This, I can’t imagine turning down anyone desperate enough to ask me. Have some compassion OP.

Thanks for dismissing my feelings as mild discomfort. 🤔

I would feel extremely uncomfortable because we are not close. My own births also add to my discomfort. I was there for my sister because I love her and I’m close to her, but have said I was very anxious.

No I wouldn't want to do it either OP. Personally I would've hated having a birthing partner for myself but they were (I think) unheard of in the 70's when I had my son. It's the most intimate thing imaginable. Will she have someone at home after the birth?

She could ask my sister and she has friends, and her partner has more responsibility than me to make her feel comfortable with having him there. I feel really annoyed that this has been made into my problem.

I understand some people think I’m being unreasonable but I just can’t do it. I think I’ll just have to be honest and tell her that I feel it’s too personal.

I wouldn't do it either. Tell her that you've thought about it but it's not something you're comfortable with and that you also don't want to commit to it because you are going on holiday.

It is her choice that she doesn't want the father there, it isn't your responsibility to fill that gap.

"Sorry I can't we're going in holiday in October"

Yes you could tell her that you didn’t feel comfortable the last time you were a birthing partner so you don’t want to repeat the experience.

Also, you mentioned the stress of your own birthing experiences. Maybe you could say you’re not keen to relive it all.

well, you've done it before, twice, so the point is you don't WANT to do it. which is fine, she's an offspring of your parents partner, you don't have to consider her family.

perhaps tell her that you have trauma linked to your own birth experiences and really struggled through your sisters but don't feel it's something you can do again. don't tell her you could but just don't love her so won't

Could you tell her that you felt overwhelmed with anxiety in the run up and during your sister's birth. You had a difficult birth yourself and it brought back memories of that. So you feel that you wouldn't be the best person to help her

Also so say that you will be on holiday... and it would be stressful for her relying on someone who might not be in the country when needed so she needs a back up plan and someone who can commit to being available for that whole period.

I don't think its exaggerating, it's seems to be at the back of what you have been saying in your posts.

However, I think she's going for familiarity so she may still keep asking. It's very sad for her I guess.

I’ve never told my sister how anxious I was about being her birth partner so I can’t really tell my step sister that as it’ll get back to my sister and she’ll feel awful for asking me.

I’m just going to say that it’s a very personal experience, that I would feel uncomfortable and with us probably being away for half term, I think it’s best she finds someone else. I will mention doulas and see if that could be an option for her.

I think if you explain to her that when you did it for your sister you found it really hard and it made you very anxious that would probably be an easier conversation. Nobody wants an anxious birth partner!!

Could you have a chat with your sister to see if she’d be there for her? So you could always suggest that as an alternative?

You probably need to have the conversation pretty soon because if she’s due in October she’ll be very pregnant already!!

I think it would go down much better if you tell her the real reason though. Does it really matter if your sister finds out now that you were anxious for hers?

The other reasons make it sound like you don’t like your step sister enough to be there for her or to re-arrange your holiday for. The actual reason is far less unreasonable less hurtful for the step sister.

This isn’t your problem OP. She has chosen to go ahead with a pregnancy to someone she hardly knows and doesn’t feel comfortable enough with to support her. It’s his baby, not yours and you’re not obliged to be there. You have said you’re not close and don’t want to do it so don’t be made to feel that this is your problem to solve.

She must know you are not close, yet hasn’t worried about your comfort here. Tell her the truth which is you don’t have that sort of close relationship.