AIBU to say no to being my step sister's birth partner?

[WayAhead]

I have 2 sisters, a half brother and a step sister.

I was a birth partner for one of my sisters, along with her husband, 10 years ago when she had my nephew and then again when she had my niece 6 years ago.

My step sister is currently pregnant and has asked me to be her birth partner. I have thought about it and I don’t want to. She doesn’t want her partner there and he doesn’t want to be there anyway and she doesn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. We are not close though and I really can not imagine being in the room when she gives birth.

She is due mid October and I was hoping to go away for half term with my husband and children*, so if I agreed to be her birth partner, that would possibly put an end to those plans.

She hasn’t asked my sister and I’d say we have the same relationship with her, not that I know of my sister would be willing. She has friends. AIBU to say no? I don’t want to hurt her so how do I say no without saying I just don’t feel close enough to her to be her birth partner.

• Post edited - originally said 'husband and partner' - OP meant to say 'husband and children'

That is not a job I would ever choose. The moment a baby being delivered isn’t always a miraculous moment so with respect, that’s bollocks. 😬 It was just the start of even more stress in my own births and one of my sisters. Poorly mums and in my own case a poorly baby and me rushed for surgery. Nothing miraculous I’m afraid. Going through that for someone I’m not close to isn’t something I’m going to do due to it bringing up past trauma for me. I’m glad I did it for my sister but it’s not something I can do for my step sister as we are just not close enough.

No, it’s not. Thanks for your understanding. 🙄

I don't think you need to see it as a burden. Its a request you can say no to, giving her plenty of time to think of alternatives. It sounds like you're not an ideal choice due to previous experiences, so you can bow out gracefully.

That’s a good idea thank you. I will be vague and say I would find it too emotional due to my own experiences (as that covers many things) and also that with possibly going away, I’m not the best person.

I’ve only met her partner once and he seemed like an idiot. His reasons are very immature but my step sister thinks it’s valid. She not the most mature person either. I really can’t see their relationship lasting through the sleepless newborn stage, never mind longer. Poor kid. 😞

There you go, says it all. It is not for you and rightly you must say no. No guilt.

Your step sister, does not need to know your trauma. As I said her asking you is most probably not personal. It is most probably down to the fact that she feels she needs to have a birth partner rather than going it alone.

I have attended also many C section births that have not gone well, was just trying to be delicate. My DSis ended up in ICU and has PTSD as a result, 12 years on.

At first I was thinking aww but she has nobody else, until I read that you last saw her on NYE and her reasons for not having her boyfriend there are very daft.

I would love to be someones birth partner (my own was traumatic, but in a weird way I'd like to experience it from a different point of view) but someone I am close to. Its a deeply intimate, personal moment.

A doula may be a good idea, or her and her boyfriend just growing up may be cheaper...

I agree with this.
However, if you really don’t want to, then I would tell her you already booked to be away

I would not tell her about my births as we are not close enough to talk like that and also I’m not one of those women who wants to tell pregnant women their horror birth stories.

I don’t understand how you were being delicate by saying the moment the baby comes out is miraculous. It did feel like you were trying to sell the idea of being with her during her birth. It’s very often not miraculous as you know of it’s your job. It took me years to be able to even watch a birth scene in a film after I had my own children.

OP's stepsister made the decision to continue with a pregnancy in a new relationship.

OP's stepsister has decided that she doesn't want her boyfriend at the birth.

No, it isn't OP's problem. It really isn't.

Could I add: make sure you do go away; call her to wish her well before you go and send flowers after she has the baby and a nice gift. 🙂

Me too, I still can’t. I burnt out, I do not work in the NHS anymore. I have a phrase that sums up my experience, which I wouldn’t even use
on MN, so believe me, I was being delicate.

I was not trying to sell anything. Healthy child birth is miraculous. Sadly and sometimes tragically it is not always.

I didn’t say it wasn’t? I didn’t say the OP couldn’t say no? I said that the step sister knows it’s a personal experience. If the OP says “it’s a personal experience” she will surely reply “I know”. So the OP needs a different thing to say.

Ooo that's cold. I don't think there's anyway to tell her without hurting her. You obviously mean a lot more to her than she means to you and it is going to hurt her when she finds that out, at one of her most vulnerable times too. I couldn't say no to someone if it would risk them giving birth alone.

You said she did have other people to choose from but now you think she has no one else to ask if it isn’t to be the partner?

Yanbu at all.
You are not close.
She is a step sister through marriage.
Not all blended families have children that become close.
It is a hugely personal experience and why would you want to share it with someone that you are not close to, simply because they feel it suits them to have you there.

Sharing the birthing experience with someone like that, who is having a baby with someone they met 5 minutes ago, leaves you wide open to be her go to person afterwards because of the experience.

If you are not close to her, yanbu to not wish to be involved.

She has people in her life. I’ve mentioned her partner, friends and my sisters although I’m not sure my sisters would do it either. For whatever reason, she hasn’t asked them, so yes, it’s doesn’t seem like she anyone else. If I’m the closest she has, I’m not sure what to say. It doesn’t make it my responsibility. We are not close.

I don’t want to hurt her or add to any stress she may be feeling as she is heavily pregnant. The thread has helped me word a message to her which I will send tomorrow giving her time to find someone else. I will also send a message to my sisters to warn them she may ask and so they can have time to think it over if they need to.

I’m not cold, I just don’t have much of a relationship with her. She hasn’t shown much interest in me ever and this has come out of the blue. She must be desperate is all I can say and is using me because I’m a woman who has given birth that is vaguely connected to her. I do feel for any woman facing birth alone if it’s not what they want but I know I am not the person for this.

I will be as kind as I can be in my message and wish her well.

Thanks to a suggestion on the thread, I’ve said I’m going to say it will be too emotional for me due to my experiences, and with us probably going away around the due date, I can’t do it but I wish her all the best.

That sounds like a good message to send OP. Enjoy your holiday.

Both my deliveries took place without the father or a birth partner present. The midwives and other staff were great and I found them more than enough. Having someone there who I wasn't close to, and who didn't want to be there, would not have been better. The second delivery was much more straightforward than the first and I had one midwife throughout with another dropping in for key moments. It helps if you get all of it done in one shift, though! With the first, I went through 4 shifts from admission to delivery (day staff, night staff, day staff, night staff again!)

OP has said that she and her step-sister hardly have a relationship at all. They have never been close and her step-sister has never wanted a closer relationship with OP. This request has come totally out of the blue.

The reason why her boyfriend won't be her birthing partner is that they both think that seeing her give birth would 'put him off her'. I genuinely can't even think of a twattier reason for the father of the baby refusing to support the mother during labour and the birth of their baby.

OP obviously still has PTSD from her own difficult birth and she found being her sister's birthing partner extremely traumatising. She, quite understandably, doesn't want to go through this again for her step-sister.

I think that given that you're not close and you'd have to scrap holiday plans with your partner and children to be a birth partner it's too much to ask. I'd say no, you're not able to do this.

Just say you can’t as you are going on holiday that week.

This, it looks like the step sis sees op as a commodity to be used as a tool.
if they were so close, I’d assume she’d have been there at the ops births or after, helping with the dc?
Or am I assuming correctly… your dc would have no idea who she is @WayAhead ?

But it does sound like mild discomfort (or mild anxiety if you like) vs the scary experience for your stepsister of giving birth with a very limited support system.

You can say no, but I feel really sorry for your stepsister. Could you contribute to a doula to support her instead at least?