To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

Get out now. Horse people are intolerable and your house, car, life will smell of horse piss while they drain the bank account

Your post makes so much sense. I come from a horse mad family, it is a lifestyle and a passion, it takes so much dedication and selflessness.
That is all irrespective of cost
OP is allowed to have some boundaries on how much it takes over his lifestyle, he has been incredibly fair on meeting more than half way

Just to add that those saying that buying a property will be cheaper than livery are forgetting the rule that says if you can squeeze one more in to the space then you will.
Your two will very quickly become 3, 4, 5 and so on.
Lifelong horse person but I think that your DW is getting a bit ahead of herself here. Get them on DIY livery, wait a couple of years to see if your girls stick with it, then it might just be worth a rethink. But not if it will make you unhappy.

As @shockthemonkey said as someone who once had a very expensive horse habit, I look back and ask myself whether I wasn't being just a little bit selfish all that time. In my twenties I had up to 7 ponies, no job and a very patient DP. When he would gently suggest cutting back a bit I was outraged! I look back in horror and shame now, but in the throes of addiction it seems perfectly reasonable.

Thanks to everyone who has replied on this thread. Sorry I can't answer every question but I do appreciate all the feedback, positive or negative, especially from all the current & former horse owners!

We've been married for 16 years but the first horse only arrived 2 years ago. My wife had horses when she was a child, but there were none on the scene (and no mention of getting any) when we married. So the equestrian lifestyle is relatively new, isn't something that I'm interested in, and I've never pretended otherwise. She's even pointing to other husbands now saying "so and so supports his wife's hobby..." which is quite upsetting.

It’s not at all ‘fair’ for you to pay a bigger share, and work more than her, for something unreasonably costly that you didn’t want or agree to.

I’d call her out on that. “So and so supports his wife’s hobby? Are you suggesting I don’t? I spend £25k a year, all my Sunday afternoons and hours at other times supporting your hobby. Are you saying you think I should do more?”

I think a lot of horsey people do get obsessive /addicted, where they think that horses should rule everybody’s lives, you have to confront her with just how much you’ve already sacrificed for this as she’s being really unfair.

I wanted to take umbrage at this post ... but unfortunately it's true 😂

I suspect you've got more problems than a just wife who wants to move to the country. That's absolutely unreasonable.

Emotional blackmail….. nice!
She sounds like my 11 year old when he was pointing out that some of his friends had £200+ trainers on and I had said no…
The reply to ‘so and so’s husband supports her hubby’ is “that’s nice dear, now please stop badgering me to do something that I don’t want to”

She's got a nerve. Time for a 'come to Jesus' conversation I think. In 10 years on Mumsnet, I have rarely seen such support for a male poster, indicative I think of the extreme unreasinableness of your wifes position. You have already gone way way further than most spouses would go to support a hobby/lifestyle, especially seemingly from nowhere. So any compromising has to be done BACK to the centre by your wife, and very definitely NOT deeper into this money and life draining hobby that you have no interest in.

She's even pointing to other husbands now saying "so and so supports his wife's hobby..." which is quite upsetting.

Hopefully, every time she does this, you point out all the ways you support her in her hobby. If you don't then start.

You’ve compromised enough. I wouldn’t even think of moving to where you will have to do all the maintenance work, and pay even more to keep the horses.

TK if you aren't interested in horses why on earth did you ever learn to do all the horse stuff you listed in earlier posts?

Be under no illusions, of you don't stamp on this now her next stage will be wanting to compete affiliated, she'll demand a £25k horse to be able to do it on, a £50k arena to practice on, and she'll be going to events every weekend with entry fees at £100+ a time. Then she'll qualify for regionals and finals and expect overnight stays.

And when she tells you that won't happen, she's lying to herself and to you. I've been there! I can hear myself now 45 years ago "I'll only ever want to hack, I promise".

Tell her to pay for her nags and use your money to buy a Piper Cub to fly around in. Get the Cubcrafters Carbon Cub with fat tyres, STOL performance off the charts.

Way more fun than a nag.

£25k is a lot for 2 horses, I am in SW London and have two on DIY livery. It costs me about £10k on livery, food, bedding, hay, and the essentials - shoeing, vaccinations. Obv the sky is the limit with Vet bills / discretionary spending … Horses are not a ‘hobby’, it’s a lifestyle and a demanding, expensive, time consuming one. However, it teaches children a lot; patience, resilience, hard work, caring for an animal no matter the weather, and I would far rather have kids at the yard than glued to their phones.
the key is going to be some kind of compromise … DIY or assisted DIY / move to a cheaper part of the country/ there will be options … can you talk about it together and listen to each other ? Can she listen to you ?

Because it's my daughters' hobby, and although I don't share the passion, I at least want to take an interest and be competent in the basics. Similar to how if your child took up a new sport, you might not play it yourself but you would learn the rules so you understood what was going on.

Exactly, I knew nothing about football, I take him to training, support him at matches and have learnt the offside rule…. I wouldn’t agree to move to a house with adjoining field so that he could have his own pitch…

“FoldItIn · Today 07:51
She's even pointing to other husbands now saying "so and so supports his wife's hobby..." which is quite upsetting.
Hopefully, every time she does this, you point out all the ways you support her in her hobby. If you don't then start.”

This with bells on. You DO support the hobby - massively - but your wife’s demands have reached the point of being deeply unreasonable and i would actually say irresponsible because she’s only owned horses for 2 years and has already demonstrated that she doesn’t yet have the experience or expertise for this next step. You’re working harder than she is to pay for this also and paying more in than she is. She’s showing huge entitlement and is behaving like a child.

You're a lovely Dad but it's time to put your foot down with a firm hand!

He has his own hobbies and he enjoys time spent with his family. Thats what brings him joy, hes a family man.

Or she could afford the horses fine alone but knew finances wouldn't stretch to horses AND kids (which also might be influenced by JOINT decisions on how best to manage childcare, etc)

It's not just about the money though, it's the lifestyle. The early mornings, the late nights (for emergency vet visits!), dragging yourself out in blizzards to do feeds and drag hay around. And poor Op wouldn't be allowed to get on with his own life while his wife and daughters did all the stuff needed. I'm sure he'd be expected to help out with routine work, as he does already at weekends. If a bit of fence came down who would fix it? Who's going to harrow the arena, fertilise and top paddocks? Oh, and what with? 😂

I’m sure if any of the SAHMs said their husbands took this view, they’d be told they were being financially controlled.

Ok, but that doesn’t answer the question. Would your wife’s salary cover the entire cost of the horses?