To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

So you’re making enormous financial sacrifices, having to work longer than you’d choose to, spending your Sunday afternoons looking after horses, driving a horse box around etc etc. What do you get out of this? I mean your wife and daughters are happy, which is great, but do you enjoy horses as a hobby? Presumably you don’t get to ride them, and don’t particularly enjoy looking after them?

At this stage I’d sit down with your wife, set out how much you already do to support their hobby, and explain that you feel you do enough already and it’s not reasonable to also ask you to move. They’ve become so focused on the horses that they are forgetting to treat you like a valued member of the family!

Sedation costs.

You get your box through an MOT and service for no money, with no work needing doing on it?

I used to allow £2k to get a 7.5t through and it normally took that much.

Wife and kids are probably buying new saddles at £3k+ and Samshield hats at £500 on a regular basis!

Entirely realistic tbh. I do wonder if OP informed himself or simply accepted his wife´s estimate... And why he agreed to get a second horse when the first was already more expensive than estimated.

Anyhow... Many people would love to live in the countryside surrounded by a lot of land and horses. Many of those people are certainly romanticising that life still, but that´s a different question. HOWEVER: OP is not one of those people. He already knows that he won´t enjoy it. So that´s that...

Massively depends where you are. We're on DIY livery and for a small pony who has little in the way of needs and is a "good doer", we spend £400 a month, plus a little put aside for the annual costs of vaccines, bean clean and dental. But if he ate more hay and hard feed it'd easily be an extra £80 a month and if shod, that's another £90 a month. Full livery at our yard is £15 a day, so that would be an extra £325 a month so potentially £900 a month plus putting a bit aside, almost £11k a month.

We don't have very many livery options near us as we are a city, so no competition on costs and we're pretty good with having an all weather arena. If you want an indoor arena, or more facilities than we have you are looking at significantly more and fewer facilities would be the same price.

We have a horse (can definitely only afford one) and I agree it’s a fabulous hobby for your teens, but I do think you’re doing enough agreeing to the car and trailer. The reality of having horses at home is a lot different to the dream of it. There is a lot of maintenance and work and a lot less time to actually spend enjoying your horses. The costs can be huge. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to draw the line

I think a vet needed to use a sedative, hence the high cost, but I'm no expert. I googled "sheath beans" because I didn't know what they were. I reckon If I had that problem myself then I'd gladly pay £200 to get it sorted :)

horses are a financial bottomless pit

I'm sat in my kitchen looking out of the window at 7 horses - and I say don't do it! Having a place with land and doing 100% of the horse care is completely different to being on assisted livery. Yes, it is a lifestyle - not only caring for the horses, but maintaining the land, the fencing, fixing broken water troughs in freezing cold weather, sourcing (expensive) hay and stacking it up in storage... It never ends!
I'm lucky, I have a friend living on-site with her horse, who really works hard and covers when we are away. Also a partner who loves the life and is never happier than when he's wizzing about on his quad bike with a trailer full of fencing gear behind. I can't imagine forcing this life on someone who doesn't want it.

I googled it - let me save anyone else from the experience - sheath beans are definitely a thing, they need to be removed, and it is GROSS.

I read a post on the tack room board where someone’s partner was complaining about her horse-owning costs. She explained her budget and it turned out that she was claiming government tax credits for her children, yet somehow managing to keep a horse. Where do you start with that? It was delusional and she clearly couldn’t afford it.

It's a myth that only the well off have horses.

Due to the time commitments, a lot will sacrifice career progression or a career full stop (as opposed to just a job) to enable them to have the necessary time to look after and ride the horse themselves.
A great many people are doing it on a shoestring.
I always told envious people (of my horse-owning situation) that I was happy to sit down with them to look at their budget and tell them what they'd need to cut back/out in order to afford a horse. Strangely enough none of them ever took me up on the offer!

They liked:

Take aways,
Getting drunk,
Smoking,
Dogs,
Clothes that came from regular shops and were new and
Wearing the latest fashions,
Owning shoes that didn't leak,
Flash cars on finance
That were kept pristine and put through the insurance for scratches and minor dings,
Annual holidays to somewhere nice and
Plenty spending money whilst there,
Saying "yes" to social engagements that cost money,
Spending hundreds each year on Christmas presents,
Christmas day with family and alcohol

Free from any necessity to walk/drive (no public transport Christmas day) to the stables and do manual labour
In the pissing rain,
Not being soaked to the skin,
Buying drinks and snacks from petrol garages and convenience stores and
Not having to carry packed lunch whenever they went out,
Weekends away with friends or partners,
Buying the food brands and toiletries they wanted from the supermarket instead of whatever was cheapest,
Owning a tumble dryer and
Cable/sky TV,
Having a phone on contract,
Staying home if the roads were snowy instead of battling into work for the wages
Then walking halfway to the stables afterwards having had to abandon the car somewhere due to impassable roads,
Coming home and being able to afford to turn on the heating
Staying in bed with the flu or food poisoning or concussion,
Lay-ins on the weekend,
Buying plants for their garden,
Buying furniture because they fancy a change or the old stuff is rickety
Etc
Etc
Etc

All stuff I gave up to afford a horse on less than minimum wage because that hadn't been invented yet.

Anyone can have a horse...you just have to want it enough, more than anything else.
And be prepared to do absolutely all the work involved yourself, to keep costs down.

Best days of my life and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, were I physically able to.

I did it myself as a tween/teenager its not as bad as you would imagine

horses aren’t a hobby. They are a lifestyle. It’s not like pushbikes or fishing, it takes so much time, energy and money to maintain. Both myself and my daughter have a horse so I can see both sides.

You shouldn’t have to live a life you don’t want, so your wife and kids can have a lifestyle they want. There either needs to be a compromise on your wife’s behalf or you split.

we’ve been looking for land to keep our horses rather than have them in a livery yard, but have realised that it’s actually more expensive than keeping them in a ready made livery. So not only will you have a huge mortgage or a worse house AND it’ll cost more to maintain the land etc.

I was innocently scrolling tiktok one evening and I have a lot of horsey people on there and there was a woman showing the evidence of a clean. Horses modesty was covered but my god.

I didn’t even know you needed to do such things to horses.

I say this as someone who has been horsey my entire life, and my DD is the same. We also have 2 horses, plus a 4x4 and trailer.

You ARE allowed to put your foot down and say enough is enough. If your wife wants the horses, does she work and contribute to their running costs? If not she needs to 🤷‍♀️ my exH is very supportive of our daughter and the horses but there IS a ceiling to what is achievable and thats okay.

Time for a proper sit down discussion, your happiness matters too

Absolutely, but I would add that if you are in this situation and your horse gets something which won't kill it but will cost a lot to keep alive (and the list of those is as long as your arm) then you will have little choice but to have a horse who might well by then be your best friend put to sleep.

Also if you can afford it but your passion is riding, not just horse owning, and the horse can't be ridden, again you are stuffed.

But yes, £15 plastic stirrups are fine if you don't want to spend £400 on a pair of Ryde !

Agree with this. A family member of mine lived on ESA (Benefits.) She had a horse, two at one point.

She died penniless and in debt but she loved her horses that's for sure.

I did wonder after I posted that whether he needed to be sedated. That would explain it.

Yes of course. I did think that after I had posted to be honest.

I did get it MOT'd earlier in the year and it came to £350 and I do need a service, but because I was not sure how much that was I did not factor the cost in, but you are right, I should probably account for about 1-2k a year on maintenance. I just added up the guaranteed costs annually, rather than the other delightful extras like vet visits etc. But even so, it doesn't come to half of what OP is paying

That is me the PP is referring to. I can’t find the post to reply to her.

we have one pony that my girls share. We keep him on grass livery at a fabulous and very reasonable yard where hay is included in the cost although we are in Scotland so hay isn’t scarce or mad prices here. . He was a very cheap pony and we’ve put the work in and trained him ourselves.

Being an experienced horse person can massively reduce the cost vs being a hobby rider who has branched out to having their own. I don’t need to call the vet for minor issues, I know enough about saddle fit to only need the fitter when something needs done, not for routine appointments. My girls have become very successful riders and the pony from a bargain basement dealers hairy 3 year old cob to a successful little pony club and competition pony without having to spend a fortune on lessons as I’ve taught them and helped them train him myself (although this is stressful teaching your own dc and is the first thing I’d out source if I had the money 😆.)

like you I’ve sacrificed a lot although maybe not as much as you did 😅. We certainly don’t have any regular or fancy holidays. This year holidays have been pony club camp and a stay away show for a championship. Next year we will probably give camp a miss as it’s so expensive

It’s far from impossible and not sure how the pp knows I can’t afford it and am ‘delusional’ 😆 We’ve had him coming up 4 years and he’s an absolute picture of health. So well cared for and I’m always getting compliments on his condition and fab coat etc.

It would be a problem if he became unusable at this young age and we’d have to accept having a field pet as I couldn’t afford another. That’s just life and we’d be grateful for the years he’s given us.

Absolutely. There's little room for sentimentality on a tight budget and having to PTS for financial reasons is no joke, but I chose to accept that risk in order to be a horse owner. I did also decide in advance that if I ended up with a horse that couldn't be ridden, then so long as the horse was happy I'd suck it up, because as you say they're part of the family by then. Luckily I never found myself in either situation. I am very practical and pragmatic though so would have done what needed doing and I always kept the necessary funds in the bank to have it done should an emergency arise. If you're going to do it on a budget it is one of the factors you have to be prepared to accept.

At last someone else who agrees the kids don't get a say.

Me three

Yanbu. 25k spent in a year is an eye watering sum of money. Moving to a bigger property with land in the south will test your finances to the max. This is a dream lifestyle for a select few.

Do some prep work and sit down as a family and explain to them with detailed financial paperwork that a move to the country isn’t on the cards. Let them know their hobby does come at a big cost to the finances and your time. Draw the line in the sand and explain you can’t do anymore. Tell them you don’t want to be burdened with a large unaffordable property to maintain when you’re older.