Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Your sister sounds like a pain in the butt. Go, enjoy yourselves, don't let her drama live for a second more than it has to in your mind. There's a great freedom in saying no. I've learned it as I grew older. Wish I'd learned it earlier.

Normally when people are offered and accept a new role, the new employer asks if they have any holiday/other commitments that they need to honour. Your sister's partner should have made them aware of this previously booked leave for childcare reasons. What did he think was going to happen? He knew his ex-wife would be attending a hen do during that week. This is his fault and this whole fiasco has created a rift between you and your sister.

Imagine being that much of a CF that you fall out with someone for not providing you with a week of free childcare whilst they are on holiday. She’s batshit.

She shouldn't be having to handle it at all though. It's her partner's childcare issue, not hers. Teens upset with their mum, grandparents not seeing grandchildren & sisters unhappy with each other all because a man isn't stepping up to his responsibility.

Yes, I can’t imagine many women letting this happen. I assume the DH just expected that the women in his life would just step in and sort it for him.

Obviously not overlooking the man, but DS is also at fault. She’s now ruined OP’s holiday and upset their parents. She’s also upset her own children whom she refuses to prioritise, because she essentially prioritising her partner. And now she wants to guilt trip Op before she goes on holiday to see her now upset parents. A lot of main character energy.

Just frame is as it’s not about her being the step child/niece, it’s her age. The other children are all alot older and need less looking after but a 7 YO is a whole different story.

Absolutely this

That’s all been done.

At this stage I’d grey rock her - well you’ve now ruined our holiday so well done! Our holiday isn’t about you & your childcare needs. We were more than generous in offering to take the older kids. It’s no longer up for discussion as we now have to go and deal with our parents whom you have also upset.

Her teenage children have headed off to their father.
So they have made it clear they aren't babysitting her.

How spiteful of the mother to deprive them of a holiday when they will just be wilth their dad.

As soon as they are 18 I hope it bites her on the arse and they treat her as she has treated them, to be used to make a point.

She's a disgrace.
A decent mother would be thrilled her two older children were getting a holiday at her parents.

I reckon OP doesn't know the half of what those girls have been put through by their mothers selfish choices putting them last.

The 7 year olds actual father is getting away easy here…it’s his time, he’s fucked off to work and all the women are falling out over care of HIS child!

Does your sister have form for behaving in such a manipulative way? Or do you think this behaviour and her latest reaction have trickled down from her partner who was expecting everyone to sort out his child care problem and is now annoyed with her?

This! And why on earth has it become the OP’s problem to solve?

I adore my nephew and when he qas young took him away several times in the UK. I didnt take him abroad until he was 16! Too much responsibility when they are younger than 12 i think.

The latest news from @FallingDream makes me wonder about the state of her sister's marriage.

The OP's sister is prepared to piss off her actual daughters, her sister, and her parents, to prove to her DH that she regards his daughter as her daughter.

There's the whisper of a coercive relationship there - or at the very least, emotional blackmail from her husband (which the sister is then visiting on her biological family).

It would be a hard no from me. My youngest is 12 now and those days are behind me. I would never agree to be responsible for a seven year old child on holiday. Been there, done that.

I feel like the sister has basically prioritised her lazy husband over her own children, parents and sister here.

Just say no. They can take their kids to see your parents another time when they are able to take AL

Might not be as sinister as coercive control just another woman that puts her man above literally everyone else. Sad.

If she regarded her step daughter as her daughter she’d do as she did when her own daughters were that age, then? Ie, juggle her hours to facilitate pick up and drop off at a holiday club and/or book time off work.

The fact that she is palming the child off so young, and seems not to have done this with hoer own children, indicates that SHE is not treating her DSD like her own.

But she is the one who married the man and agreed to take on his daughter ‘as though her own’. She can’t control other family members and make them respond on that same basis because DSD ISN’T their family in that sense. It’s cruel of DSis and her DH to use this poor child as a weapon in this way. Hardly any wonder he’s already once divorced, really is it? And perhaps the same can be said of DSis.

BTW I am a step child - I never expected to be treated the ‘same’, I knew I was an interloper and was very grateful for the love and attention I received, but it was never about me being seen as the same as my half siblings in the family. I didn’t have any family outside my mum, so the step fam were absolutely it. This child has a mother, a second home, and two sets of grandparents already. Why should the bio nieces be expected to share theirs?

Excellent points @AnonyMumAuDHD

And as a PP asked upthread, do the OP's nieces get taken abroad by their step-sister's mother's family?

I very much doubt it.

This sums it up rather well I think :)

And a spiteful CF at that, refusing to allow her own children to enjoy a holiday with their grandparents, punishing them to try to punish OP, just because OP won't bend the knee. The sister sounds both batshit and genuinely not very nice.

Way to go, sister. That’s how to build up resentment within your own DDs against the step child.

Your sister asking you to take her three children on a holiday is cheeky anyway IMO, but expecting you to take the seven-year-old and completely change the dynamic of your holiday is ridiculous. If you’re willing to take the elder two good for you. Tell her you’ll take the older too, but not the younger one because of all the reasons that come with looking after a seven year-old and none of them that had to do with her not being your blood niece.
If she doesn’t want you to take the older 2 because of that then you’ll go with your family.

As an aside, I’d also make sure the cost of the holiday is fully covered because otherwise you’re going to spend a significant amount of extra money to what you normally would. My nephew recently stayed with us for a week during the holidays and spent a lot of money on him - day trips, shops, food etc, it adds up. If you’ve got two teens that’s a lot of food and a lot of expense when you’re out and about. if you don’t mind paying a bit that’s fair enough, but you’re probably talking a couple of hundred pounds at least for a weeks holiday .

Could it be because its her SD ? What is their relationship like? Does she resent her ? Either way she is a cheeky fecker. just tell her you will only be taking the older kids end of ! And while you’re at it also let her know she’ll be having your kids for a “holiday” next year !