Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Well, that tells us a lot about you, then.

Amen!

Neither she nor her DH is prepared to put themselves out for the poor girl. They’re the ones not treating her like family!

Shes going to cause them to resent their step sister.

They are her not ultimately its her choice.

I have a 6 and 7 year old and holidays are hard work. They need constant minding and entertainment. I spend most of my time feeding snd entertaining them.

Your sister is being unfair and unreasonable. All kids don't need to be treated equally. Not even blood related ones. My mum has my nephew 13 and 10 for sleepovers more often than my kids 6 and 7 because she gets too tired with my two. I absolutely understand it. The needs level of the older two is different I think treating the equally is reasonable when its buying sweets at the shop or buying them all a Christmas present ( although, i wouldnt expect to gave the value of the gifts dictated to me). I certainly would not be taking a 7 year old away on holiday in the interest of perceived fairness.

I feel kind of bad for your nieces here. They lose out on seeing their grandparents and cousins because your sister is withholding them because she didn't get her way and they are old enough to know it.

That's going to cause resentment.

This wasn't even your sister's problem, much less yours. Childcare on his custody time is his issue and he's made it her problem and then is ok with her making it your problem and it sounds like possibly using your nieces for childcare.

Now she's fracturing the family over his not getting childcare to cover when she refuses because she has a work project due in the future. That's a really bad move.

Was your sister planning to go on the trip with him and that's why she's been so dug in and manipulative about this?

She had no right to ask you in the first place…. for any of the children, but especially for her step daughter. She was using you.

It would have been better to say … maybe we will consider a holiday all together like that in the future, when you can come too, but this holiday is just for the four us until we get more familiar with our parents new situation. I want us to concentrate on them for now.

You were too kind and it’s caused a problem. It was obvious your sister would play the guilt card again. You walked right into the trap.

Your sister’s motivation in asking wasn’t to give her 3 children a lovely holiday.
It was to quickly and easily ease her own troubled mind about how to solve her child care problem. She wasn’t thinking of them….only herself. If she had been thinking of them, she would have allowed you to take the two older ones.

I hope it blows over so that you can enjoy your family holiday in peace without worrying about it.

I am sooooo confused as to why she wanted to send the poor girl abroad to stay with people she doesn't know and who aren't her own grandparents. And baffled by the fact that the girl's mum thought it was a good idea for her to go on holiday with her dad's wife's sister's family. She is not your responsibility OP, and it was weird of them to insist.

This is disingenuous. Seven year olds are typically easier to look after than two year olds yes, but someone else's seven year old is not only a big responsibility but changes the dynamic of a what was meant to be a trip with just their own 16 and 14 year old!

In fact a seven year old step-cousin could be a royal pain in the arse for the teens, who if they're nice will feel obliged to ruin their chilled lie ins and days exploring by entertaining a bored and homesick much younger child.

"Treat them the same"? Not with that age gap, it wouldn't be appropriate to treat a 7 year old like a 15 year old (more than twice her age!). Did you take your nieces on holiday without your sister when they were 7? If not, why would you take your step-niece? (Actually even if you did it wouldn't be the same situation because your nieces are a similar age to your children and would presumably have played together).

"Not a part of the family"?

She needs to grow up. She's pissed off her own daughters, pissed off her parents, pissed off her sister, lord only knows how the 7yo feels about it all, because of what? Issues that have absolutely NOTHING to do with any of the aforementioned people, and indeed with the ONLY THREE people who are responsible for this child. She's irritated or hurt all these people because you haven't bent over backwards, at your and your family's expense, to give her what she wants.

She's not a very deep thinker, is she?

I feel for the kids and the grandparents in all this. What a mess.

What a mess - all because 7yr old’s Dad is not stepping up and sorting HIS childcare issue that he had over a year to sort!!
Such a shame for your nieces - not surprised they have voted with their feet.
OP- don’t be guilted into this now. As you rightly point out - this is your HOLIDAY!! You’ve done your time with younger children and deserve to reap your rewards of a more relaxed vibe when you go away without having to entertain a much younger child who the teens won’t want to hang out with. Your sister presumably wouldn’t ask you to look after the 7 yr old for a week at your house - and so expecting you to take her abroad is beyond cheeky.
All very disappointing behaviour from your Sister - and a real own goal in terms of her own children. Am sure things will settle - and there may still be time for your nieces to come too.

Who was going to be paying for all this, by the way?
And even if your sister was going to fund the flights, what about incidentals like meals out, activities, drinks, ice creams? Those sorts of things sure as hell add up.

Your sister is a disgrace.
More focused on her step child than her own children.
Another woman putting the needs of a man ahead of her own children.

Step away OP.
Do not get involved further.
Let her children show her their displeasure.

That 7 year old has two parents putting themselves first, and your silly sister is tolerating it.

She deserves everything coming her way from her children.
They will rightly judge her very harshly.

Do not get involved at all.
Let it play out.

You do know if they divorced, you'd likely never see this child again.
The cheek of her to think you should sacrifice your only family holiday to be free childcare.
Unbelievable.

But if course, she’ll conveniently blame you for all of this.

people she doesn't know

I think she probably does know the grandparents. Her Dad and stepmother have been together 6 years. I'm sure OP's sister has seen her own parents plenty in that time until they moved abroad.

I have some sympathy for your DSis. Now don't get me wrong, she was wrong to ask you to take the 3 away, but she is clearly trying to make sure all kids are treated the same in her home (which is to be admired) and forgetting your home is not hers. Yes, the 3 kids are all children of a parent in your sister and her partner's home and should be treated equally there, but the kids have different aunts/uncles/grandparents and she can't make 4 sets of aunts/uncles/grandparents (her kids both sides and step daughter's both sides) be the same as each other.

The other factor is your DSis is hurting her relationships while her partner seems to be getting away with no consequences!
It's his time with her, so his issue to sort care for her if he can't mind her, that shouldn't be up to your sister to sort.
If the holiday wasn't an option, if you and your family weren't visiting your parents and just at work that week, what would he be doing with her then? He can do that now...

Who would be looking after your sisters children and step child if you weren’t going on holiday? Is your sister going to take your children away next year? I doubt it 🤔

Your sister presumably wouldn’t ask you to look after the 7 yr old for a week at your house

All the evidence is pointing to the fact that she absolutely would.

Yep, a cheeky fucker from the Premier League of cheeky fuckers!

“It has caused lots of problems. She is saying none of us treat her step child as if she is part of the family“

Id be ready for two sentences to your sister-

1. It has nothing to do with being a step sister; it is her age at 7 she requires more day to day care and we are past those days and want to relax on holiday.
2. if she continues down the you don’t treat her the same “ look sis years ago you had another step son and we did lots to include him and then looked what happened- so yes we don’t as you’ve already shown us that once a relationship breaks they are not family too”

Poor nieces- maybe plan a trip when they become 18 . Hope they spend all summer at their Dads

It was an unreasonable request and the outcome is a shame.

My neices (all biological) are similar ages and we left the youngest at home to take the eldest two on a day trip to London. Its ridiculous to say a 7 year old is easy even if they are well behaved - if you are a caring and attentive adult it would and should be an effort to look after them.

Great post.

I have to agree with all this.

Your sister has made a really poor decision here, but it is her decision and I hope you have a lovely time at your parents with your dc.

Your sister has caused issues and distress for her stepdaughter unnecessarily, and is now punishing her daughters because everyone is behaving normally and you are doing the right thing by your own family. Just unbelievable that women keep getting into this mess when they simply will not understand that stepchildren are NOT the same as biological children to wider family.

She's making a huge rod for her own future back.

But it is in part because the 7 year old is not family to the OP. OP doesn't want a 7 year old there, obviously, nobody would - but it's worse because she's not family. She wouldn't be comfortable knowing exactly how to discipline her and look after her - OP has mentioned this. Because she's not OPs family.

Better that the sister is forced to realise the reality - wider family are not required to pretend that step children are the same as biological family. And they rarely do.

So deeply manipulative - it’s not that she’ a step child v a blood relative - it’s the fact that she’s 7. And this is what I would keep stating on repeat. It is not appropriate to take her somewhere at her age, and yes that means she cannot be treated the same as her older [step] siblings.

Your sister and her husband have 8 weeks to sort out childcare - ie a holiday club - and for the father to reschedule his business trip or sister to arrange her work around picking up her step child. SHE chose to marry a man with a child, she signed up for the stress of sharing childcare along side her DH, but your DNieces did not. As another poster says - all your sister has done is create a wedge between you and her, between the step child and her daughters and between herself/DH and your entire extended family. And why? Because she clearly feels it is too inconvenient to adjust her work hours to collect her step child.

My question would be, given this is the case, and on the assumption that she would never have hesitated to arrange care/adjust hours for her OWN children when they were 7/8 years old… isn’t the implication actually that SHE doesn’t treat her step child the same as her own children?

And it's also that she's not OPs family. OP has mentioned that she would not be comfortable disciplining her and looking after her as she has met her twice and the girl is not her family.

Her sister needs to get this through her head pronto. Nobody is required to pretend that a stepchild is the same as their own family. It's not unkind, or any such silliness to say so, it's just a fact. I do not understand why so many women on this board (I see it regularly) refuse to accept reality - you can feel that a child is your own when they become your stepchild if that's how you feel - and nobody else in the extended family agreed to that, and they can and will feel any way they feel.

We do things for family we wouldn't do for people who are not family, and we should.

But yes it's also that the child is 7 years old and will require supervision and cause undue hassle to OP and spoil her holiday with her own family.

It's important that her sister understands the reality of the situation, so she doesn't keep causing her stepchild stress and unhappiness and punishing her own children for no reason. Maybe OP can't force her to accept reality - but by pointing out the truth, the child is not OPs family, it might make her sister think twice before trying to force what she wants to be true (but is not true) on others.